I was wondering what it would be like if Barry Bonds, in the midst of his chase for the home run record, appeared on the Bay Area's most popular morning show, "Wake Up San Francisco." I think it would go a little something like this (cue the laugh track):
Intro to Wake Up San Francisco
Danny Tanner: Hello, everybody, it’s time to wake up, San Francisco. I’m Danny Tanner
Becky Donaldson: And I’m Rebecca Donaldson. We have a great show for you today. San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds is here, as well as our old friend Joey Gladstone.
Danny: Barry Bonds’s quest for the all-time home run record is the top sports story in the nation. We are extremely lucky and excited to have our local hero join us today. Let’s all give a warm welcome to Barry Bonds.
(Polite applause as Bonds enters with a Louisville Slugger)
Danny: Welcome Barry!
Barry Bonds: Thanks Danny. Nice tie (Danny is wearing a particularly hideous pasley tie)
Danny: So, congrats on moving within ten home runs of the record. How does that feel?
Barry: Well, it…
Becky (cuts Barry off): Mr. Bonds, have you or have you not used performance enhancing drugs?
Danny (now with a pale look on his face and nervously loosening his tie): Becky, this is neither the time nor the place. Mr. Bonds has graciously accepted our invitation to come on the show under the pretenses that we wouldn’t ask the tough questions.
Becky: Sorry Danny, but this is what inquiring minds want to know. Plus I want an Emmy award to put on the trophy case right next to Jesse’s Japanese Grammy.
Barry (his voice now with even greater feminine inflection): Well Becky, I’m not going to address that issue right now. Danny, can we go to some carefully screened callers?
Danny: That’s a great idea. Alright we have Michelle on the line. What’s up Michelle?
Michelle: Daddy, the doggie ate my ice scweam.
(Studio Audience "awwws" in unison)
Danny (with an embarrassed grin): Michelle honey, now is not the time. We’ll work this out when I get home. Ok next caller….
(Before the next caller is cued, Joey with Mr. Woodchuck in tow comes out onto the stage- to a decisively muted reaction)
Joey Gladstone: Hey everyone!
(Bonds begrudgingly acknowledges him)
Danny: Joey, what are you and Mr. Woodchuck doing out here?? You're not on until the third segment.
Mr. Woodchuck (turns to Joey): Let me take this one. Well Danny, I’m a big Barry Bonds fan and I’ve always wanted to meet him.
(Mr. Woodchuck and a slightly amused Bonds shake hands)
Mr. Woodchuck (upon noticing Bonds’s bat): Excuse me Mr. Bonds, is that bat made of…(looks in both directions)…WOOD?!?!
(Mr. Woodchuck then goes after the bat. Bonds tries to wrestle the bat away from him. Chaos ensues.)
Joey (turns to the camera): Hey, Mr. Woodchuck, cut…it…out.
Danny (looking like he is about to have a stroke): We’ll be right back after this quick commercial break.