Friday, August 31, 2007

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Kaientai tried to

Choppy choppy the pee pee

Of Big Valbowski

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Schiano:College Football as Macbeth:Scotland

Many a Shakespearean tragedy has been written about the perils of ambition. Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano has ignored them all and booked a non conference schedule consisting of Buffalo, Army, Navy, Maryland, and mighty Norfolk State. Noble Gregory, will you ever learn that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor?

U-S-A! U-S...Anybody?

Why exactly do we bother with these international basketball competitions? The U. S. team has nothing to gain and everything to lose by sending our pros into these tournaments. Nobody really doubts that America is still king of the hardwood. If we win, nobody cares. We can only tarnish our reputation by losing to relatively untalented teams that play together all of the time and are highly motivated to put their country on the basketball map.

This concludes the least original thought that I have ever committed to text on this site.

Yanks Up, Mets Down. If that Team Can't Swim, It's Gonna Drizzown.

Nothing gets my juices going quite like a Yankees sweep of the Red Sox combined with the Mets getting swept 4 games by their closest division rival!
First the Yankees...
  • Aside from my world class bladder control (honestly I don't know anyone who can comfortably hold more liquid in their body), complaining is my single greatest strength. I say this because, with Mussina out of the rotation, even I am running out of things to complain about.
  • Joba Chamberlain has some of the most electric stuff the world has ever seen. Equally important is that he seems to be incredibly poised on the mound. As long as he stays healthy, which is admittedly hardly a given with young pitchers, the dude is as can't miss as it gets. With a
  • I'm glad to see Joe Torre has moved Jason Giambi back to first base. This means Giambi, Johnny Damon, and Hideki Matsui play every day and Andy Phillips sits the bench awaiting the defensive replacement assignment. Phillips seems like a swell guy, but he can't hit enough to be a Major League first baseman.
  • For the first time since late April, I can say I will be genuinely surprised if the Yankees don't make the postseason. Seattle is struggling and they close the season with a brutal schedule. The Tigers will be without Gary Sheffield for another 10 or 12 games and their pitchers are wearing down late in the season following a World Series runs. And all things being equal, the Yankees are the best team in baseball.

On to the Mets...

  • Phillies manager Charlie Manuel and the odious Phillies bullpen tried their damnedest to give today's game away, but the Mets wouldn't take it. Had they won 1 game this series, the Mets would have been in great shape. Instead they lost 4 straight, putting their playoff hopes in serious jeopardy. I have always thought/hoped that the Mets were a little overrated and lucky over the past year and a half. Even I never thought the walls would cave in like this.
  • Jose Reyes: 1 for the 4 game series. The 1 hit; a bunt. If A-Rod did this against the Red Sox, he would be labelled a choke artist. By the way, Reyes has taken a half-step back as a ballplayer this season. I know its near heresy, but MAYBE he is not as good as we thought he was.
  • It took the better part of the season, but once again Oliver Perez doesn't seem to have a clue where his pitches are going. He had actually started to win me over until his terribly shaky performances in his last 7 starts. Perez seems to completely lose his cool at the first sign of adversity. I think he has a bit of Jeff George in him with the proverbial "million dollar arm but a ten cent head". Not that the Pirates made the right move, but I'm starting to see what they were thinking by giving up on Perez.
  • If the Mets make the playoffs, who exactly pitches Game 1 for this team? Who pitches Game 2 for that matter? Unless Pedro comes back like gangbusters (not gonna happen), they have a bunch of 3rd and 4th starters.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Little League, Big Leagues, and Nothing in Between

Isn't it odd that, as a nation, we watch two levels of baseball; The Major Leagues and the Little League World Series? High school baseball? Go screw. College baseball? Fuck off. Minor league baseball? Up your nose with a rubber hose. Give us baseball at the highest level or give us 86 pound tweens!

The Blind Leading the Blind

You can't make this stuff up. In reference to Michael Vick's troubles, Ron Artest had this to say...

"I want to call him and support him, you know, be there for him. [He] lied and then came back and apologized to everybody, I felt that was classy. ... I was touched that he took full responsibility. I felt that was a real man. I know for a fact he'll come out a better person."

Priceless! No joke I can make here is funnier than this quote is on its own.

More on Mets Mediocrity

A few more Mets thoughts, while I fight the urge to imagine Joba Chamberlain's Hall of Fame plaque.

  • After a season and a half of Mets fans thinking that their team had rewritten the book on team chemistry, the Mets are back to simply being the sum of their parts. Nothing more, nothing less. Tell me again how Jose Reyes's infectious energy raises his teammates level of play. Remind me about how Paul LoDuca's olive oil voice and Guinea charm soothes the upstart Mets and keeps them poised throughout the season. It was nonsense then; It is laughable now. I don't care how many circle jerks go down in the Metsies clubhouse.
  • Mookie touched on this earlier, but the Mets really have a subpar bullpen at this point. For a year and a half, they managed to cobble together an outstanding bullpen with Billy Wagner and a completely forgettable supporting cast. They have pretty much all turned into pumpkins at this point.
  • I know this response is very late, but I reject Mookie's premise that I was wrong about Carlos Beltran. The guy does nothing for months on end and then goes completely unconscious for two weeks. He usually has some nagging injury that prevents him from playing at his best. Besides, I never said he wasn't an excellent player. I said that with his one bad year, one good year, and one up and down year, he has not lived up to his contract.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Mets Bullpen Stinks (Please forgive my lack of a witty headline)

The Mets bullpen blew yet another led today and took the loss in extra innings. There is not one arm outside of HillBilly Wagner that I feel one modicum of confidence in and even Wagner has been very shaky during his 2 week dead arm period. The starters rarely go past the 6th inning meaning that the fate of this team will ultimately fall on the arms of Jorge Sosa, Aaron Heilman, Pedro Feliciano, Guillermo Mota, and Scott Schoeneweis, all of whom have done their best Mel Rojas impressions this year. Law of averages dictates that this is an unusually frigid period for the pen and that at some point they have to get better and even hold a lead, but I just do not have a lot of faith in the cast of clowns trotting out of Franco's tomato patch. Sosa is consistently inconsistent, Heilman has an alarming propensity to give up the long ball, Feliciano is strictly a situational lefty with occasional control problems, Mota is a mental midget who implodes when a runner reaches base, and Schoeneweis is perhaps the least effective pitcher known to man. Makes me yearn for the days of Jerry Dipoto and Doug Henry and sadly unlike the Yankees, there are no Joba Chamberlains on the way.

Nowhere To Run, Nowhere To Hide (More thoughts on the new job)

I'm not going to turn this blog into a self-indulgent rant about my employment sitch (yet), but I wanted to run some more quick thoughts out there on working life.

I've always been able to balance production with slacking off well enough to make work tolerable while actually do a good job. My work style is characterized by short bursts of ultraproductivity followed by long lulls of baffling inactivity (sounds like my blogging output). When I did temp work in a large office, I would regularly take long leisurely strolls around the building. On a few occasions I actually left the building, got into my car, and drove around for fifteen minutes. I had nowhere to go, but I figured cruising around scoping out chicks in the mall parking lot was a hell of a lot better than entering numbers into a spreadsheet. Despite my nomadic ways, my bosses loved me and I always finished my projects on-time or early.

Well yesterday I started a job at a very small law practice. How small is it?! It's so small....ok, this isn't turning into the Match Game. It's me, two other lawyers (both at least ten years older than me), and two female support staff (none of whom are attractive). I'm accounted for at all times. There will be no promenading around the building since the entire office is aware of when I leave and for how long. I'm even getting paranoid about how many trips I take to the water cooler during the day, thinking that everyone is counting how many times I get up from desk. I imagine this is what jail feels like, the shower rapings notwithstanding.

Furthermore, perhaps the only thing that can make work truly bearable, socializing with coworkers, is not an option at this job. The other two lawyers are my superiors, and fraternizing with a boss is inevitably awkward even in the best situations. I already established the unattractiveness of the female support staff, so they are not worth socializing with, but even if I did, every conversation topic and length would be scrutinized by the elder lawyers who are within earshot.

That leaves me the with the internet as my one refuge, but since I just started work I feel very uncomfortable about recklessly surfing the intraweb. My door is always open and the other lawyers are constantly walking into my office and since I am trying to establish myself as a diligent and committed employee, I don't want them to see me checking out Kige Ramsey sounding off or watching Afro Ninja fall on his head.

So I was in the office for 9 hours today and I pretty much did 9 hours of work- a new career high! Only four more decades to go though, so at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On a side note, I find myself wishing that every work week would end as soon as possible, yet I get depressed as the days go by reflecting on my squandered youth. What a vicious cycle.

Moose of the Mets

The scouting reports and results of Pedro Martinez's rehab starts have been lukewarm at best. His fastball sits at 85 and rarely even touches 88. His secondary stuff is not as electric as it once was. It looks as though the Mets will be rolling out their own version of Mike Mussina in September.

This is a big blow to the Mets, as Tom Glavine has devolved into mediocrity personified and the league seems to have caught up to John Maine and his seemingly average stuff. Their two best pitchers are Oliver Perez (a guy whose combined ERA in '05 and '06 was MORE THAN 6.00!) and a 41 (+ 3?) year old who never stays healthy and is coming off of consecutive subpar seasons. If the National League wasn't diarrhea, the Mets would be in big trouble. As it stands, they are in first place by 5 games. And people think the NBA's Eastern Conference is bad!

First Impressions of Work (More to come later)

How the hell am I going to do this for the next 40 yrs? I don't mean this particularly job, but the idea of work in general. I've come to the conclusion that my favorite thing in life is sleeping. To have my sleep unnaturally interrupted every morning at ungodly hour just depresses me to no end.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Moose is Cooked

A week ago, I almost wrote a convincing argument that Mike Mussina had an excellent chance at winning the 53 more games required to win 300 games. Now I'm wondering if he'll ever win another game. I'm not typically prone to overreacting to a few bad starts, but the way Mussina has pitched recently he would have struggled against a halfway decent college team. His fastball is topping out at 88. His knuckle-curve has lost a lot of bite and his change just sits there as if on a tee. He is falling behind in the count and throwing this sub-par stuff right down the middle of the plate. In short, Mussina has become a poor man's Igawa.

I don't know if any of Mussina's current shortcomings are correctable. I do know that the Yankees don't have the luxury of letting him work through it. As of now, the Yanks trail the Mariners by 2.5 in the Wild Card. Every game is crucial at this point. Fortunately, the Yankees have a viable alternative to Moose. Ian Kennedy has sailed through the minors in his first season as a professional. He has a 1.91 ERA at three stops in the minors and currently sports a 2.08 ERA at Triple-A Scranton. He has struck out more than a batter an inning and has pretty good control.

I hope that Brian Cashman is emboldened by the success of his recent string of ballsy moves and gives Kennedy a shot. I have always hated nobley pissing away games in the name of loyalty. For too long, sentimentality has gotten the better of reason in the Yankees organization. I just want the team to win. If the side effect is the hurt feelings of a 38 year old dude worth $100 million, so be it.

Fantasy Football: Fatally Flawed

According to's Average Draft Position chart, thirteen of the top 14 players picked in fantasy have typically been running backs. I have not played fantasy football in a few years, so I can not speak to the wisdom of drafting Willis McGahee before Tom Brady or Carson Palmer. However, I am quite certain that there is not a general manager in NFL (not even Matt Millen) that would make such a choice for their real team.

I have always been a stickler for reality in my sports video games. As an adolescent, I preferred playing Madden NFL and NBA Live to NFL Blitz and NBA Jam. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a Stu. I don't care. I like sports as they are, not as if they are taking place in some ridiculous alternative universe.

Similarly, I want fantasy sports to be as realistic as possible. I want fantasy players to be valued in direct proportion to their real value on the field. I understand that the complexities of football make such a translation nearly impossible. More than any other sport, individuals are extremely interdependent in football. So yes, fixing fantasy football would be a massive undertaking. But shouldn't we at least try? ESPN's cheat sheet recommends choosing Joseph Addai with the 6th pick (before teammate Peyton Manning) in the fantasy draft. In real life, if the Colts were contracted, he might be about the 6th guy taken off of his own team (after Manning, Freeney, Harrison, Wayne, and possibly Bob Sanders). Fantasy football has almost relation to the sport it's modelled after.

Fantasy baseball has it's own issues as well. It overrates baseball stealers and closers. It undervalues guys that walk a lot and middle relievers. They still haven't made an adjustment for naturally inflated AL ERAs and defense is irrelevant. However a fantasy baseball draft will never have something as silly as 13 2nd basemen chosen in the first 14 picks. Fix fantasy football. I get bored in the fall.

It's the End of the World As I Know It

Well, I officially start my legal career today. While I am somewhat excited to get my first paycheck I am going to miss my lifestyle the past few months when I did absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, as a result I my new employment I will not be able to start slacking off for at least a week so my daytime posts will drop off for a little while. Once I realize how much work I actually need to do just to get by I'll get back to posting TWICE a day.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Kendall Jettisoned

If the Jets were going to play hardball with guard Pete Kendall and not pay him an extra mil (which really isn't that much for a team which is under the cap) why wouldn't they bring in a player a bit more competent than Adrian Clarke and Jacob Bender? Furthermore, after assessing that Clarke and Bender suck at blocking defensive lineman (a fairly important task for offensive lineman), wouldn't be prudent to try to mend fences with Kendall who is no longer a great player, but is still much better than the other options? Letting Kendall go simply to prove a point and adhere to their principle on renegotiationing seems extremely counterproductive considering how important the offensive line is to this team. They desperately need a strong run game so that Pennington can play to his strengths (play action passes and a short controlled passing game) and they need a strong pass blocking line to protect the fragile Chad 'O. By plugging these not ready for prime time players into the line, the team may be seriously hindering both of it's perceived offensive strengths.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just the Thought of It Gives Me a Papelboner

Supposedly Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is throwing a part-slider, part-cutter that he calls a slutter. I feel bad for any chicks out there that are both sluts and cutters because you now have a new nickname. And if you are a slut and a cutter please email me at I'll bring the razor blade and you bring the low self-esteem

Separated At Birth?

The Baltimore Orioles pitching staff:


a batting tee:

The most astonishing part of all of this is that the Orioles gave up 30 runs and Steve Trachsel wasn't involved.

The Brady Bunch

So Tom Brady is now a proud papa, but there is no word as to what the kid's name is. I vote for Mo Lewis Moynahan because if old Mo didn't knock Drew Bledsoe into the front row of the stands a few seasons ago none of this would have been possible.

A tribute to a man who's fascinated me for 20 years

Its been over 20 years, and I'm still fascinated with Wade Boggs. There will be long periods of time where I will forget about the man, but he always gives me reasons to come back for more.

I'd probably say the first time Boggs stood out to me was at 7 years old, when my beloved Metsies triumphed over the Red Sox to win the 1986 championship. The image of Boggs sobbing in the dugout stuck with me well through adolescence. That may have been the first time i'd seen a grown man cry.

It was only one year later that a baseball card shop opened near my cousin's house. This was during the baseball card boom, when stores were popping up everywhere, only to be closed within a few years. I went with my cousin to the grand opening of the store, and for no logical reason that i can think of, they were selling the 1987 Topps Wade Boggs card for $15. No, it wasn't his rookie card, and no, it wasn't some sort of rare error card. It was the regular 1987 Topps card. This was the only store anywhere in the tri-state area that was even selling the card for more than $1.25. And it was also the most expensive card from that set at that store. It made absolutely no sense. Wade himself had nothing to do with this event, but it only further helped his legend.

Who could ever forget Boggs' appearance in an episode of Cheers, which just happens to be my favorite show of all time? The appearance was in 1988. Over time, i've come to realize how absolutely ridiculous this appearance was. At the end of said episode, Boggs comes into the place where everyone knows your name, and orders a beer. I believe he was sent to Cheers by rival Gary from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. This was a Bar Wars episode, in which both bars play insane pranks on eachother. Thinking this is another one of Gary's pranks, Cheers patrons are convinced that this Wade Boggs is a FAKE Wade Boggs. So they start mocking, saying his name funny "okay, WADE BOGGS!!!", and proceed to chase Boggs out of the bar. At a young age, i didn't think much of this, and maybe in the late-80s, people didn't make much of this, but i now see this much differently. The guys in Cheers were supposed to be HUGE Red Sox fans. If Wade Boggs walks in to the bar, they should know for sure that its really him. If Carlos Delgado or David Wright walked into a room i'm in, i'll know in a SECOND if its really him or not. The whole scene is just bizarre.

A few years later, i learned of Boggs' insane superstitions. The man ate chicken at the exact same time every day before games. He's more or less the posterboy of the ridiculous superstitiousness of baseball players. What a freak!!!

I was quite pleased when i learned of the fact that Boggs is a HUGE wrestling fan. He's actually been shown on TV several times in the crowds at wrestling events, just cheering like a buffoon. Too add a whip cream topping to this story, he was actually the presenter of the HOF induction of "Mr Perfect" Curt Hennig. Apparently the both of them were great friends. Is anyone cooler than this guy???

He's also a HUGE drinker. I've read that he can basically outdrink anyone. Find the person you know, that drinks the most, and Boggs will run circles around him.

And, finally, and this is what prompted me to write this article, is the hair replacement commercial he's recently been shown in. The man is a worldwide respected athlete with a great reputation, and he's not scared to show his before and after pics from his hair replacement surgery. Thats confidence, people.

Wade Boggs - Heavy drinker, huge wrestling fan, former bald guy, not afraid to cry in public, former patron of Cheers. You're a rare breed, Mr. Boggs, and i wish there were more like you.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Samoan wrestlers
Often require "handlers" but
Rarely need footwear.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

An Open Letter To Carlos Delgado

Dear Mr. Delgado,

Stop sucking. Thank you.


Mets Fans

Miscellaneous Baseball Thoughts

  • I've given up on the notion that the Mariners are due for a collapse. A look at their roster suggests that they have .500 talent and barring an overhaul that is what they will be next year. But more than 3/4th of the way through the season, there is no reason to think it's going to catch up to them this year. They have as good a shot at making the playoffs in the AL as anybody but the Red Sox.
  • P. S. Check out their bullpen and tell me that is not an argument against spending money on relief pitchers.
  • It's odd to say this about a west coast team, but the Angels have one of the best crowds in baseball. Angels' fans have been absolutely flying for the first two games of this Yankees series. The Angels have quietly become one of the first-rate organizations in sports. They have money, spend it pretty wisely, and have a nice farm system. The Angels should dominate the AL Wast for years to come.
  • Brandon Webb's streak of 42 consecutive scoreless innings is one of the most remarkable achievements I've ever seen. Why doesn't Orel Hershiser's scoreless innings record get as much play as Joe DiMaggio's 56 game hitting streak? If you think about it, all DiMaggio had to do was get a bloop or a seeing-eye dribbler through the hole once a game to keep his streak alive. Hershiser and Webb had to not only avoid extra-base hits, but even sequences involving a walk, an error, and a Texas leaguer for like 7 straight games. Bananas!

I Heart Cashman

I should have written this post a week or two ago, but I am completely on board with everything Brian Cashman has done over the past month. The following are his accomplishments since July.

1) Revamping the bullpen- I particularly love how he has rammed Joba Chamberlain and Edwar Ramirez down Joe Torre's rookie-hating throat. Getting rid of Scott Proctor, Mike Myers, and Brian Bruney has forced Torre to use the kids in big spots. I also like that Cashman has Torre under strict orders not to use Chamberlain on consecutive days. Perhaps such a cut and dried rule is a bit excessive, but without it Joba would be logging 2 innings per game.

2) Not trading any prospects for a 2 month stopgap. The Rangers wanted Melky Cabrera or Ian Kennedy to rent Eric Gagne. That would have been a mistake on many levels. It speaks to Cashman's integrity that with his job on the line, he didn't make the short-sighted move.

3) Trading Scott Proctor for Wilson Betemit- I have already covered this, but Betemit gives the Yankees a better option at 1st base, a quality back up at the other three infield positions, a reason to dump Miguel (another inexplicable Torre favorite), and insurance against A-Rod leaving. Also, Proctor's innings are now being pitched, more capably, by Chamberlain.

4) Acquiring Jose Molina- The Yankees' last quality back-up catcher was Jorge Posada in 1997. Molina's presense means giving Posada a day off doesn't guarantee an 0-fer out of the catcher spot.

5) Giving Shelly Duncan a shot AND sticking with him- It beats trading for Jeff Conine's ashes.

If Cashman returns after this season, I hope he has the plums to let Joe Torre go. Then I would totally marry him.

Trying to avoid the Vick stuff, but then there's this...

W. E. B. Dubois would be so proud. A chapter of the organization he co-founded in 1909 to combat Jim Crow laws has now focused its attention on preserving the status of a priviledged young man who abuses others, because he is superior in the eyes of the law. That's some mighty thick irony. If this is what "the struggle" has been reduced to, perhaps it's time to retire the NAACP.

25 Hr Party People

I'm glad that ESPN has heard the pleas from the blogosphere to stop oversaturating us event coverage...oh wait. Apparently ESPN is going to give the LSU-Miss St season opener a 25 hr lead in. That's not excessive in the least bit, and I for one will look forward to watching Lou Holtz try to stay up past 9:30pm. This will make the Super Bowl pregame go by quicker than a romp in the hay with yours truly.

(Thanks to Awful Announcing for this story)

Rock Out With Your Cock Out

In the aftermath of the Vick prosecution, has there ever been a better time to start a cock fighting ring? The heat is on dog fighting and I'm sure that there are many promoters running from the industry, yet there is obviously a demand to see animals maul each other. I say it's time to take Little Jerry Seinfeld out of retirement and let those cocks go at one another. As for the public backlash? I don't think there will be a big groundswell of support to save the roosters- chickens, unlike dogs, generally are not beloved over-coddled pets. Also, the public already knows that chickens are mistreated- some are genetically engineered to grow extra legs and are raised in horrible conditions, yet we continue to eat the fowl everyday. The only public outcry about the mistreatment of chickens comes from fringe groups such as PETA and the Whigs. Furthermore, without conducting due diligence I don't believe there is a cock fighting statute on the federal books. Even if you get caught, you would probably get nothing more than a fine and an admonishment. If dog fighting goes the way of professional boxing, something will have to fill the void of blood lust and cash that has been left in its wake. Therefore, it's about time cock fighting works its way up the pecking order (pun intended of course).

Me-ki Barber

Tiki Barber is handsome, articulate, and very media savvy. He might be the most polished professional athlete in recent memory. But the guy is obviously a self-centered ass.

The press has been eating out of his hand for years. And now he is one them. So we can look forward to him playing the self-righteous anti-Pacman for years to come. Fantastic. Hopefully the recent spat between he and Eli Manning will start to chip away at his seemingly impeccable image. Tiki took a shot at Eli for not being a good leader. Eli fired back, saying "I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season, and he lost the heart to play." Zinger!

Tiki, do you think maybe your insatiable quest for back pages (along with Michael Strahan and Jeremy Shockey) made it a little harder for Eli to assume the mantle of team leader?

That Stephon Marbury Says the Darndest Things

Well, the world was anxiously awaiting Starbury's take on the Michael Vick situation and as per usual the self-anointed best point guard in the world did not disappoint. He referred to dogfighting as a sport and compared it to another sport that kills animals- hunting. And I must say that he makes a somewhat compelling point. Like dog fighting, hunting involves the killing of animals, is to animals if the animal is not killed instantly, and is perpetrated solely for human enjoyment. Marbury's argument loses some steam when one considers that dog fighting also involves the torture of dogs, the killing of dogs not for sport but rather because they are not good fighters, and betting- the reason the practice exists at all. I'm sure there are sidebets made during a hunt, but that action is collateral to the real reason that people go hunting- drinking beer and bitching about women (it's really like redneck golf).

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Deaddie Griffin

Eddie Griffin's death could not have been more apropos. The impact that killed him was the literal manifestation of the metaphorical train wreck that his life had become. It's almost poetic.

I hope this doesn't stop at just one dead Eddie Griffin. I hope this man passes away as well.

Pitchers Wearing Jackets

Pitchers wearing jackets on the basepaths is argument enough for the existence of the designated hitter. It is easily the cuntiest look in professional sports. Granted it is a brisk, rainy night in New York, but both John Maine and Chris Young (the white pitcher) threw on jackets after their base hits. If a pitcher gets too chilly on the bases, he should be forced to wear Frenchy's "Pink Ladies" jacket from Grease.

C. Beltran Reality Tour

People have been real down on Carlos Beltran this year. Mets fans have been questioning his heart and SYHD contributor Tremont insinuated that he was not a good free agent signing. In my response to Tremont's post I said that everyone should reserve judgment at least until this season is over, and Beltran is finally proving me wise.

Despite playing through various injuries for much of the year and spending over two weeks on the DL, Beltran is on pace to hit 32 HR and drive in 100 runs. Now as you know, I'm not a big counting stats guy, but if Beltran were to stay on this pace he would be only the 6th switch hitter to ever sock 30 or more home runs and knock in 100 or more RBI in consecutive seasons. The other 5? Chipper Jones, Eddie Murray, Mark Teixeira, Lance Berkman, and the immortal Tony Clark. Outside of Tony the Tiger, that's some pretty impressive company- Not even the Mick completed this feat. Plus throw in the fact that Beltran plays a top notch centerfield and you have yourself a very very valuable baseball player.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Superfly Snuka
Once got hit over the head
with a coconut

Maria Sharapova-rated in Bed

Maria Sharapova is a real dead tennis ball in bed- at least according to Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, who I always figured for gay. Eh, I'd still take her I guess.

(From 100 Percent Injury Rate)

Vick Going to Jail

Is it too early to put money on him to be the 2009 Comeback Player of the Year? I think Al Davis is drawing up a contract as we speak.

Random Non Sports Thought

So I've been watching a lot of Law and Order over the past few months. Sure every episode is the same, but there is something comforting about it's formulaic content. Anyway, my main pet peeve with the show is that anytime there is a recognizable actor on an episode, that actor will undoubtedly be the perpetrator of the crime. It really takes any of the fun of trying to figure out whodunnit and results in me actually having to do something like clean my room or empty the dishwasher.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Throwaway Thought

If I was an established NFL superstar, I would hold out every year, until two-a-days were over. Fuck that shit!

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Crush is squeezing Saint

Peter's skull, 'til he lets him

In the Pearly Gates.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Competitive Balance

Where is all of this competitive imbalance that baseball fans rail on about? We are 3/4th of the way through the baseball season and only 12 teams (Baltimore, Tampa Bay, ChiSox, KC, Oakland, Texas, Florida, Washington, Houston, Cincinnatti, Pittsburgh, and San Fran) are out of playoff contention. Of those teams, 2 have won championships in the past 4 years (ChiSox, Florida) and 2 others have played in the World Series since 2002 (San Fran, Houston). Another has averaged over 94 wins per season this millenium (Oakland). Two more have spent big money, but don't know what they are doing (Baltimore, Texas). Washington D.C. is a major market and will be getting a new stadium next year. Other than mismanagement, there is no reason they shouldn't be able to compete by 2010. Cincinnatti and Pittsburgh play in new stadiums, in what is easily the worst division in baseball. If they can't compete, that is on them.

That leaves two teams worthy of our sympathy; Kansas City and Tampa Bay. Kansas City is a tiny market, with a fairly rich baseball history. Unfortunately, while the rest of the country has grown, KC has fewer people than it did in 1950. It is the 31st biggest market in the country and falling. Sorry Kansas City, but the sport has outgrown you. It happens. If more people wanted to live in your stupid metropolitan area, you wouldn't be having these problems. Vegas is the 43rd biggest market and climbing, fast. Throw a 35,000 seat stadium on the strip and they would sell out every game (Imagine the luxury box revenue!). The Royals should move there ASAP. Even the name "Royals" works beautifully in Vegas. Problem solved.

Honestly, Tampa Bay can go fuck themselves. Actually, I shouldn't put it in such nasty terms. Floridians have shown that they don't care about big league baseball. Fair enough. Just don't ask me to listen to them say "Woe is me. We can't compete." Tampa Bay is the 12th biggest market in the country and it would take a Katrina-like hurricane to fill their stadium. They never cared about their team and I can't be bothered to care about them not caring.

I understand everybody thinks that the Yankees are evil and ruin everything for everybody, but the only thing their money does is give them a 90% chance of making the playoffs. Since the playoffs are a total crapshoot (you aren't paying attention if you think otherwise), the Yankees should win about one World Series per decade. The rest of the league can fight it out for the other nine. I think the sport can survive. Unless your team is in the AL East, where the Yanks and Red Sox have a stranglehold, you can absolutely contend.

Ejection Connection

Jemele Hill, a writer for ESPN's Page 2, made a brilliant point on that dopey First Take show. She argued that the media is treating Bobby Cox's breaking of the record for most career ejections as a charming story. They almost act as if owning this record is a tribute to the feisty, old codger. The fact that he is an alcoholic with a history of spousal abuse is completely ignored, as if his hair-trigger temper isn't a common thread between domestic violence and his ejections.

Juxtapose Cox's media coverage with the way they discuss Rasheed Wallace. Wallace is treated as a loose cannon, a menace with no self control for getting tossed out of games. THE EXACT SAME REASON COX IS GLORIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't think that race, at least subconsciously, is a factor in the disparate coverage of these two men, you are absolutely lost.

Football Outside the SEC

I want to preface this article by explaining that I am a Gator fan and some of my arguments might seem biased, however, everything is supported by facts and logic. I am so sick of people jerking off USC and the Pac-10. Today, ESPN released an article explaining that 15 out of the 16 "so called experts" picked USC to win the National Championship Game. Although this might come true, is it really that impressive? Have you seen USC's schedule? I think my co-ed flag football team could get by with at least .500 record. I understand that going undefeated in college football is a tough accomplishment, but I can honestly say that I will not be that impressed if USC does it. It is like Chris-Rock's stand up routine where people in the ghetto are bragging because they feed their kids and have not been to jail, "You are suppose to do that." If you look at USC's schedule compared to UF, UF's three hardest games (LSU, Auburn, and Tennessee) are more difficult than any game on USC's schedule (yes I think all three of these teams are better than always overrated California, just ask Tennessee last year and "good for one upset" UCLA). You could also make a valid argument that UF's 4-6 games (FSU, Georgia, and South Carolina) are tougher than any game USC plays all year long. If you flipped schedules, I would be surprised if USC gets through UF's schedule with less than 2 losses. I would also be surprised if UF (whom I do not even think is going to be that good this year) lost more than 1 game on that schedule. Looking at the pre-season rankings, 2 of the top 3 teams, 5 of the top 15 teams, and 6 of the top 20 teams, all come from the SEC. USC plays 3 teams in the top 25 (Cal, UCLA, and Nebraska). Every year these teams have high expectations and lower results. UF plays 5 teams in the top 21, and another top 5 -10 team if they make it to the SEC Championship again. I know that this article is focusing solely on USC, but that is just because they are put at the top right now. I can make the argument against any team outside the SEC. For example, if you forced any team in the nation last year to play UF's schedule, not one team finishes undefeated, and not many, if any, finish with just one loss. UF got through the nation's hardest schedule with one loss and people where still going to put USC in the title game until they choked against UCLA. What was the justification for that? "Oh UF is barely winning their games." Screw that, as UCLA can tell you, a win is a win, especially when you are playing that tough of a schedule. Although I do not think the UF will win the SEC this year, and I might not even watch college football since "the experts" already know USC is going to win, I would like to give an early congratulations to USC for being successful against a schedule that does not feature one team with a winning record last year against ranked opponents. Who knows, maybe I will get to play against you next year in my co-ed flag football championship game.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I'm a little down in the dumps about the passing of Phil Rizzuto today. It feels a bit like losing my grandfather. After my family, and possibly Don Mattingly, Rizzuto had as much to do with my Yankee fandom as anybody. Among Yankees fans, he was quite possibly the most beloved figure in franchise history.

He was the voice of the Yankees in my formative years. He was as uninformative as one can be, while retaining a job announcing baseball games. And I loved it. The game was a reason to get out of the house for him. He yammered on about canolis, traffic, his wife, friends' birthdays, and growing up in Brooklyn as if he was talking to his friends. I generally hate baseball analysts, as they drone on in century-old baseball cliches. Better just to listen to sort of a surrogate grandfather shoot the shit, while watching the game.

Rizzuto was a genuine character. Never for a second did you think his act was contrived. Since he stopped announcing about 10 years ago, I haven't felt a connection to a similar connection to any announcer and I doubt I ever will. In a rare sincerely positive gesture over at SYHD, R.I.P Phil Rizzuto.

P.S. Does anybody else suspect foul play?

Lee Curse-o

The following is a clip of Lee Corso dropping the F bomb followed by Chris Fowler's apology:


(Thanks to Jimer for the link)

Holy Cow!

Hall of Famer shortstop/Ex-Yankee announcer Phil Rizzuto is dead at the age of 89. I thought he was 103.

OK, now please humor me and my selfishness. I hate when a famous person dies. Not because I will miss that person or because I am saddened by idea of death. I hate it because I will be unable to escape this story for the next 24 hours due to inevitable media over saturation. For example, I was driving in my car today and wanted to listen to sports talk radio. I turned on WFAN and over an hour into his broadcast Mike Francessa was still discussing Rizzuto. I figured the entire broadcast would feature former and current Yankees telling stories about old Phil, so I then switched to ESPN radio and as to be expected Michael Kay was waxing poetic about the Scooter. I'm sure when I open all of the daily papers tomorrow there will be pages and pages devoted to the former Yankee. While he was a Hall of Famer and by all accounts a great guy, I know I will be bored to death by the media coverage because every after I have read one article on Scooter I will have essentially read them all. What is person A going to say differently from person B? There are no fresh takes or different ways to look at his death. Every media outlet will more or less offer the same homage making each take fairly irrelevant. In a media market such as NY where there are two sports talk radio stations, numerous NY sports-centric TV stations, and many daily papers, when a famous person passes away only one of those outlets (on a rotation basis) in the respective medium should report on the story, so I can fully avoid the story if I want to. I know, I can just not read any of the stories or change the channel when Rizzuto coverage comes on, but my point is that tomorrow I will not read any articles by features writers on a topic I remotely care about. Every writer from Mike Lupica, to Joel Sherman, to Wallace Matthews will write an unimaginative eulogy to Phil. The TV and radio coverage will take time away from Mets and Jets stories, even though everything Rizzuto related can be wrapped up rather quickly- Phil Rizzuto died, he was 89, brief summary of his career, and obligatory Whitey Ford interview.

Click here for a classic Phil Rizzuto Money Store commercial.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Mike Nugent Kicks the Bucket

Ok, it's actually more of a trash can, but I was not going to give up that headline. Nugent justifies his status as a second round pick based on this clip alone:

Here is the link for Big Chief Stickyback and all those who have been having trouble viewing our youtube clips.

The Clip Dump Continues

Did someone put a Pez dispenser on this guy's leg or something? I think this would be the definition of inappropriate laughter. Please keep in mind that three people died in this car accident. I heard this guy pee'd his pants in laughter after the second tower came down.

(Props to Awful Announcing for finding this)

Don't Worry Jimer, It's Almost Football Season

Our only reader Jimer is not much of a baseball fan. We thank him for bearing through a whole summer of baseball related posts, but don't worry football season is almost here and we here at SYHD are only a few weeks from transforming into an AIDS-ridden, homeless man's version of Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Now That's What I Call Method Acting

Here an actress playing Helen Keller has really gotten into her role. This reminds me of my favorite Helen Keller joke:

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too if your name was ARGOLMMPHHORGL.

Helen Keller Actress Falls Off Stage - Watch more free videos

More Reasons Joe Morgan Should Be Fired

I know we frequently pimp Fire Joe Morgan on this site, but it's for good reason. Not only are those guys over there really sharp (God I wish I was Ken Tremendous), but Joe Morgan really is an awful announcer. Follow this link to FJM for some of Morgan's tasty tidbits from last night's ESPN broadcast.

I Wonder How They Met

This is pretty much what my wedding is going to be like except for all of the brown people and the ethnic music/food:

Sunday, August 12, 2007

A Curiosity

I'm sure everyone has already noticed this, but it seems highly improbable that Brad Daugherty is a NASCAR analyst for ESPN given that

a) he is a former NBA player

b) he is almost certainly too tall to fit in one of those cars

c) he's a black dude and NASCAR is whiter than hockey.

It's odd little quirks like these that keep life from getting too stale.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The Rick Ankiel Story

Does anybody want to help me write a heart-string tugging, G-rated script for The Rick Ankiel Story? You know every struggling writer in Hollywood is slopping one together as I type, so let's get cracking.

Brian Sabean, the Most Overrated GM in Baseball

Since taking over for Bob Quinn in 1997, Brian Sabean has been anointed one of the best General Managers in Major League Baseball. He got off to a strong start making several savvy trades and enjoying early success, but at this point the Giants are one of the oldest, least talented teams in the league and the farm system has had a decade long drought. His legacy will be that of a GM who failed to build championship level team around perhaps the greatest offensive player in the history of the game.

Under Sabean the Giants made the playoffs in 1997, 2000, 2002, and 2003. On it's face this is not too shabby, but when taken into the context of Bonds' ridiculous production over that span, it's hard to believe that Sabean could not slap together a supporting cast good enough to get Bonds into the playoffs every year. Once in the playoffs, I fully understand that a lot of luck is involved and the best team does not always win- you need look only to last year's Cardinals teams as the best example of this theory. The playoffs are a small sample size and teams and players can easily go through hot/cold streaks over a five or seven game series that are not indicative of their true performance ability. Bonds, for example, was brutal in both the 1997 and 2000 NLDS (posting an OPS of under .700 in 7 games) but was out of his gourd awesome in the entire 2002 playoffs before falling somewhere in between in the 2003 NLDS.

While playoff performance variance is understandable, what is egregious is Sabean's failure to surround Bonds with enough talent to make the playoffs every year. Any GM in the league would savor the opportunity to build around the best offensive player of our era. I'm not going to post up Bonds' stats from 1997 on, but if don't want to take my word for it, you can check them out click here. Outside of Sabean's first major deal which landed Jeff Kent for Matt Williams, Sabean has constantly acquired aging talent who are either at the end of their prime or whose prime coincided with the first Gulf War.

Before I get into the misguided acquisitions I must give credit where credit is due and pat Sabean on the back for some nice nice pick ups. He landed Jeff Kent and several other productive players for Matt Williams. This was Sabean's first and best major move as he actually acquired a player entering his prime, which as you will see is rarer than steak tartar. He also got some very productive years out of Ellis Burks and Jason Schmidt, but those good moves have been largely offset by Sabean's penchant for picking up players who are only a few years from wearing Oops I Crapped My Pants. Sabean must be taken to task for acquiring the corpses of Joe Carter, Andres Galarraga, Wilson Alvarez and Edgardo Alfonso as well as signing or trading for never weres like Jose Cruz Jr., David Bell, and Neifi Perez.

Sabean also got the John Cangelosi end of the stick on his most high profile trade of recent years. Sabean sent Francisco Liriano, Boof Bonser, and Joe Nathan to the Twins for perennial douchebag AJ Pierzynski. Pierzynski played one lackluster season for the Giants, while Nathan has been a lights out closer, Bonser is a solid back of the rotation guy, and Liriano was poised to be a star before having Tommy John surgery. Today not a single GM would trade any of those aforementioned players for Pierzynski let alone all three of them.

This past offseason, Sabean made another boner by signing Barry Zito for $126M. Just because he was the best pitcher on the market doesn't mean he had to be the best paid pitcher in baseball. Sabean would have been better off waiting a year to make a run at Carlos Zambrano, a true ace, but instead he overvalued Zito, who had lost several mph on his fastball over the past few years and benefitted greatly by playing the one of the friendliest pitchers parks in Major League Baseball. The Zito signing is going to be one of those gifts that keep on giving year after year as the Giants will have to pass on better pitching options down the road thanks to that albatross of a contract.

To make matters worse, the Giants are going to be absolutely miserable for the next several years. Besides Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain there are no young future stars (or even contributors) on the roster nor is there much hope growing down on the farm. Under Sabean the Giants farm system has produced one, count it one, offensive starter and that's the OBP allergic Pedro Feliz. In fact Sabean has demonstrated over the past two drafts that he has no clue how to cultivate position players by drafting almost identical no pop, decent speed, lead off hitting outfielders. One need only to look at the failed Jason Tyner experiment to realize that these are not the type of players worth spending a first round pick on.

Now, I realize that the Giants were a blown save away from winning the 2002 World Series, but a world championship would not necessarily change my view of the Sabean era. With Bonds, the Giants should have been in a position to win the Series every year- there is simply no excuse to squander the career of the best player of the last twenty years. Instead Sabean built a intermittent contender that was very shallow on talent and has the organized poised for some of the darkest days in its history.

(Note: Of course most of this is moot if the Giants take the money they will save by losing Bonds and put it towards Arod)

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Asterisky Business

Every Major League Baseball player that played before 1947 was a cheater. The most efficient form of cheating is to not allow quality competitors to even participate. Every single Major Leaguer at the time benefited from the exclusion of blacks, from Babe Ruth to Moonlight Graham. Sure Babe would have still been great, but he might not have looked quite so immortal if he had to face Satchel Page, or other great black pitchers, instead of some awful white 4th starter. Mediocre starters would have been bench warmers. Bench warmers, career Minor Leaguers. My SAT scores were pretty decent. But they would look substantially better if Jews and Asians were forbidden from taking the test. Whether or not they agreed with the segregationist policies, their participation alone is a tacit endorsement of them. The Nuremberg Defense does not apply here. They played these games of their own volition. Theirs is a disgraced era, tainted if you will, and none of their records should be acknowledged.

Everyone who played after 1960, put up completely fraudulant stats. I'm looking at you Roger Maris, and you Sandy Koufax, and even you Henry Aaron. Roger Maris hit 61* in '61, not coincidentally the first year of the expansion era. MLB added two teams in 1961, both of them to the American League. So the AL jumped from 8 teams to 10 teams. This meant 25 percent more pitchers in the league, the majority of whom would have been considered AAA ballplayers prior to expansion. This sounds like the perfect recipe for turning a very good Major League hitter, Roger Maris, into a monster.

The following year, two new National League teams debut. One of those teams, the 1962 Mets, were famously awful that year, bumbling their way to only 40 wins. Not entirely surprising then, that Sandy Koufax's ERA dropped a run that year and he began a reign of terror on the NL for the next 4 seasons.

Hammerin' Hank was still averaging 40 home runs a season, from ages 35 to 39 (1969 to 1973). It stands to reason that some of that production was aided by the fact that the Major Leagues were 50% bigger by 1969 than they were in 1960. Also, in the last 17 years of his career, Hank's teams played 8 more games per season than Babe Ruth ever did. Add that up and you get 136 more games.

Without the extra games and expansion teams, it's pretty safe to say Aaron never would have broken Ruth's record. 755 never happened. 714 is still the record. Oh wait I erased those records. Who hit the most home runs between '47 and '59? He is the true Home Run King. Actually a lot players lost time to the Korean War between '51 and '53. Those seasons should be stricken from the record. What kind of pussy boy would be playing baseball, while his countrymen were being drafted into war? The guy who hit the most homers from '47 to '50 and '54 to '59...He's our man!

Do I believe all of this nonsense? Sort of. Nothing I said was factually incorrect. The point is that any fan smarter than Kige Ramsey is able to look at the homerun record, or any other record, and understand that the context of one era is different from another era. Even within a given era, there are a million variables. Henry Aaron had the benefit of a home park nicknamed "The Launching Pad" and was protected by Hall of Famer Eddie Matthews for much of his career. That equals more home runs. Barry Bonds has played in extreme pitchers' parks and has had a subpar supporting cast for much of his career. That equals less home runs. Were steroids a factor? Sure. But one of a great many.

Derek Jeter Has Herpes?

If this is true, it's time for Arod to make an appointment with his physician. Word is that he spread the gift that keeps on giving to Jessica Alba amongst others. I'm sure Derek will land his feet though and end up scoring a Valtrex endorsement deal.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Honest question: Can one of our SYHD Mets fans tell me why I shouldn't think Robinson Cano is every bit the player that Jose Reyes and David Wright are? Please spare me irrelevant drivel like "Reyes is the most exciting player in baseball" and "David Wright plays the game the way it should be played". My purpose is not to trash the great young Mets players. It is to say that Cano is wildly underrated in relation to them.

Side note: I don't want to hear another thing about over-hyped Yankees prospects. Since 2005, their farm system has graduated Robinson Cano, Chien Ming Wang, and Melky Cabrera. All of them flew fairly under the radar on their journey to the big leagues. Still 24, Cano is the second best second baseman in baseball and he was never considered a can't miss prospect. Wang was the runner-up for last year's AL Cy Young Award and scouts said he was a back of the rotation guy. Melky is 22 and is already an above average starting centerfielder. He was projected to be a 4th outfielder in his prime. If anything, Yankees prospects have been systematically under-hyped.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Huge arenas lack
Ample storage; tables and
Chairs left under ring.

Someone Is Not Doing Their Homework

During tonight's Mets-Braves game the SNY announcing team has repeatedly referred to the Braves Willie Harris as a youngster. They have mentioned Harris' "inexperience" when discussing his at bats against the crafty El Duque and when discussing whether or not he was aware of Mets reliever Aaron Heilman's tendencies. Ron, Gary, Keith, you guys are generally sharp, but you've dropped the ball on this one. Harris is 29 yrs old and has been in the league since 2001. Granted he hasn't played that much, but he is not the precocious neophyte (all respect due to Walt 'Clyde' Frazier for that line) that you guys are making him out to be.

Conducting a little more research, Harris was a teammate of El Duque's on the 2005 Chicago Whitesox and probably faced him when Hernandez was a Yankee. So I would say Harris is fairly familiar with El Duque.

A plug for the Angry Nintendo Nerd.

If anyone needs a chuckle, and fondly remembers their Nintendo playing youth of the 1980s, check this guy out. His ripping apart of certain video games and video game accessories is hysterical. Their is a fair amount of cursing though, so if this bothers you, don't watch it.

You Go Girl

The only column I now consider a must read on is that of ESPN's ombudsman Le Anne Schreiber. In her latest piece she takes on "Who's Now?" (she didn't like it!) and thinks there should be a 30 min SportsCenter featuring just the day's news and highlights while forgoing the ridiculous cross-promotion and fluff which litters the bloated 60 and 90 minute versions (an idea that I've advocated for a while). Keep preachin'!

Tremont: Closet Fashionista

I apologize in advance for going all Vogue Magazine on you with this post, but over the past 10 to 12 years, fashion has remained remarkably stable. SYHD contributor Nocedog has been trying to convince me of this for a while and I am finally convinced. I am watching an ER rerun from 1998 and none of the characters look egregiously out of style. There is not a single dated haircut or article of clothing. Nobody would bat an eye if the same episode was filmed today.

There has not been this much fashion inertia, over such an extended period of time, since at least the mid-fifties. I'm not saying this is either good or bad, it just is.

I will now attempt to reattach my testicles.


Finally it's fucking over. Bonds hit #756!!! This moment has been anticipated/dreaded for several years now. Over the past 5 years, I would say that Bonds, home run records, and steroids in baseball have been the second biggest topic of conversation in America after terrorism and the war in Iraq. Millions of words have been written. Billions of words have been said. I have nothing to add. I will just say that, even with the steroids, breaking the home run record is still pretty god damn awesome.

A few ancillary notes:
- Eat crow, Mookie. Hammerin Hank was super gracious in congratulating Bonds. Good for him.
- Giant fans better savor this moment for the next five years, because this team is going to be abysmal for a while. The Giants don't have a single position player on their team or in their organization that is a good bet to be above average over the next few years. They might be the only team in baseball about which I can make that claim.
- Also, Frisco, have fun watching Barry Zito's arm decompose for the next six and a half seasons. Tonight his fastball was consistently popping 83-85 MPH. I pay to play baseball in an Over-18 ham-and-egger league and I see that kind of heat pretty routinely. Obviously the tomato cans in my league can't match Zito's shoulders-to-ankles curve ball. Still, very few pitchers can be successful in the majors without a respectable fastball. Barry Zito is either going to have find another 5 MPH somewhere (Were he still alive, my late grandfather might have found them behind my ear) or turn himself into the new Jamie Moyer. Neither seems particularly likely. That $126 million contract is going to be a disaster.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Build It And He Will Come

Just in case you were wondering what Greg "The Hammer" Valentine has been up to...Apparently if you build a wrestling ring in your backyard he just may show up to clean house.

Wang is Slang For Penis, Pass It On

Are all sportswriters and copy editors 100 years old? If not, why do they all keep writing these hilarious dick puns for all of Chien Ming Wang's appearances? Look at the history, brilliantly recorded by FJM.

Now, the Yankees official web Site has the most egregious offense yet. When describing Wang's last start, they decided to go with this gem:

The Royals got a taste of vintage Wang on Friday

Really? Was Billy Butler going to town on the remains of John Holmes? Or did Chien Ming Wang just pitch well?
Funny they should mention the Royals, since earlier they were involved in this sexual act:

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

Basically, the Royals are either a bunch of orally-fixated sluts (especially that Emil Brown), or people don't realize what they're writing. I just can't wait until we get this headline:
Surging Wang finishes strong on the backs of Arod, Posada

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Two scoops of Mankind

And a pinch of Kane gives you

The rip-off Abyss

A Weak-Chinned Bust in the Hall?

I know it sounds crazy, but Jorge Posada may well be building a Hall of Fame worthy resume. He may end up being one of those unlikely cases, ala Dennis Eckersley, where nobody even thought about him being a Hall of Famer until his late thirties. I have watched Posada play for 11 years and until this summer I had never given a second thought to his potential HOF candidacy. He still has some work to do to be a deserving candidate, but at this point I do not think it's implausible that he gets it done. Here is my case for Jorge Posada: Future Hall of Famer...
1) Unless he soon goes down Thurman Munson style, he will undoubtedly be remembered as the 3rd best catcher to make his Major League debut between 1975 and 2000. Don't argue with me dickhead, I did the research. Between the Johnny Bench, Carlton Fisk, Thurman Munson, and Gary Carter era and the Pudge Rodriguez, Mike Piazza, and Jorge Posada era, seventeen years passed between the debuts of a catcher as good as Posada. Lance Parrish is really the only guy for whom a case could be made. Yes his prime was better than Posada's, but he didn't have a great year after the age of 30. Posada is in the midst of his best season at 35. With three more merely mediocre seasons, Jorge Posada will have easily left Parrish in his wake.
If you're clearly one of the three best players at your position over a 25 year span, you at least deserve some consideration.
2) If Posada continues his torrid pace this year, he will finally have his signature season. Until this year, he has always been in the .260s to .280s in BA, high .300s to low .400s in OBP and high .400s to low .500s in slugging. He has posted consistently excellent numbers for a catcher, but this year he is off the charts. If the Yankees make the playoffs in squeaker and A-Rod falls off a bit, Posada is a serious MVP candidate. That hardware would bolster his case in the eyes of the voters.
3) Even the greatest catchers in baseball history have historically been shot by 35. Posada just keeps improving. Of course, I don't expect Posada won't replicate this season again. However if he can put up his '04 through '06 numbers in '08 through '10, he will be approaching 2000 hits and 300 HRs. (I will grant you that this is a tall order as he approaches 40. But he has defied normal aging patterns thus far. Perhaps he is the exception to the rule.) Only six catchers in history have hit 300 homers. I suppose a few more have gotten 2000 hits, but I don't feel like looking it up.
4) I don't want to sound like every sports writers in the country, but shouldn't he get just one bonus point for being a significant part of 4 championship teams.
Tomorrow I will attempt to construct a Hall of Fame argument for Mike Mussina, another rarely discussed HOF candidate.

Remember When...

Ron Artest was public enemy numero uno in professional sports? With the recent transgressions of Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, The Cincinnati Bengals, and Chris Benoit, Artest,in the grand scheme of the sports landscape, is a equivalent of a punk skateboarder loitering at the local 7-11.

Non-Sequitur alert: Do the Chargers come out smelling like roses from the LT-Vick trade or what? Sure they have held the advantage in the trade for a few years, but now they are the unanimous winner by TKO.

Monday, August 6, 2007

'Toine Noir?

At a local state fair, I asked 82 people which player in the NBA looks most like they would always reek of cheap cologne, and the answer may (or may not) surprise you.
In a landslide, 74 people voted for Antoine Walker. Rounding out the rest of the votes were 5 for Kenny Thomas and 3 for Nick Collison.

To the Victors Go the Spoils, To the Losers Go Carrie Bradshaw

Interesting tidbit in today's Daily News from yesterday's Jets intrasquad scrimmage:

"There was plenty on the line. The winners got buckets of ribs and fixings from a popular BBQ joint to eat on the bus ride home. The losers got stuck with cold turkey sandwiches and had to watch re-runs of “Sex and the City.” The winners also received some video entertainment, but Mangini declined to be specific."

Contributor Fat Dizzle, who used to watch "Sex in the City" reruns on a daily basis, would hardly consider watching Ms. Bradshaw strut around the upper west side in her Manolo Blahniks a punishment.

Inexplicable Injury of the Night

Luis Castillo had to leave last night's game because of heat exhaustion. This is a little dumbfounding because he was born and raised in the Dominican Republic and played in south Florida for 10 seasons, thus he has had plenty of experience playing games in sweltering conditions. While maybe I would have some compassion for the man guess if he couldn't take being under the hot sun after running around the bases four times, but get this...yesterday's game was played at night! From my rudimentary knowledge of science, I believe the air temperature is cooler once the sun goes down. Man, maybe Castillo had gotten too used to playing in that cushy climate controlled piece of shizzle known as the Metrodome, but he has only been a Twin for the past season and a half. Can one lose his tolerance to play in 85 degree weather that quickly? Plus it's not like he plays all of his games in climate controlled stadiums. He's played quite a few outdoor games in summer weather conditions since leaving the Marlins. The likely explanation? That punching Judy Castillo hit two doubles yesterday and since his legs haven't had to move that much in one game in years, his body simply broke down. It's the equivalent of making a sprinter run a 5K.

Congrats To Tommy Strikeout

The weekend of milestone's ended last night with Tommy Glavine capturing his 300th career win. As a Mets fan I would like to congratulate Tommy and hopefully the MLB Hall of Fame committee will now see fit to elect Tommy into Cooperstown as a Metropolitan (Yeah right). The best part about Glavine winning #300 is that we will no longer be subjected to shots of Glavine's mother Millie (seen in this photo in between Glavine's wife and son). I mean yikes! You would think that in anticipation of her son's milestone victory she would have gotten a little more TV ready.

On the contrary, I will miss the gratuitous cut aways to Glavine's wife. Here at SYHD we often comment on athletes significant others, but here is a case where Glavine has pulled at the exact level he should have. She is attractive, looks young for her age, and remains thin. What more can you ask for? Her only glaring deficiency? While she was interviewed during Glavine's last start she kept using the plural "we" when discussing her husband's quest to win #300. Unless she taught him his change up or dissected his mechanics on a nightly basis (not in a sexual sense) I don't think she can really take credit for his accomplishments.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Quick Hit on Bonds and 755

There really isn't a fresh take on Bonds tying Aaron's HR record and those who want to know my feelings on Bonds can check out this earlier post. The whole steroid issue doesn't really phase me and I am turned off by all the people that make Bonds out to be the world's biggest villain and who act like Bonds breaking the record is the greatest injustice in the history of man. Those fans holding up asterisk signs, who undoubtedly thought they were extremely clever, are nothing more than petty, self-appointed, self-important, arbiters of morality and fairness. How does Bonds hitting 755 negatively effect their lives in any way? None. So stop getting so worked up over it!

I thought the most interesting reaction was that of Bud Selig, who upon watching the ball clear the leftfield wall, did not clap or smile, but rather he exhibited signs of relief that this whole circus is almost over.

ARod's 500th HR is Pretty Much Irrelevant

So Arod hit number 500 yesterday which will thankfully shut up people like this. While it's certainly a great career milestone and historically significant because he is the youngest player to reach the five-hundo mark, but when he hits number 600 in 2 or 2 1/2 seasons for the Red Sox or Cubs yesterday's achievement will be wholly irrelevant. Hopefully the Rutgers student who reeled #500 in understands this and negotiates an agreement on that ball quickly. As part of any settlement I'd demand that Arod autograph this picture, but that's just me.

Sunday Afternoon Blues

Much like when the Jets are slated to play on Monday Night Football, my Sundays are miserable when the Mets take part in Sunday Night Baseball. Sunday afternoon is completely devoid of programming options outside of a Mets game (I'm currently relegated to watching the Yankees play the Royals) whereas on a Sunday night I usually do not watch much of the ESPN night telecast because there are other shows the pique my interest- particularly on HBO, Flight of the Conchords anybody?

Now I know what you're probably thinking. It's summertime, you say. I should be outside doing stuff! Well, I've already read the Sunday paper outside and there is no one around to play golf or wiffleball with and I find floating in the pool boring, so my it's looking like I'm left watching Melky Cabrera face off against Gil Meche.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

"Stagger" Lee Marshall

Dialed 1-800-Collect

To speak on Nitro

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Pro Bowlers Wear Shoes that Won't Scuff a Freshly Waxed Floor currently has the following link on their homepage..."Colts expected to release former Pro Bowler Simon". Why can't the NFL just get on board with all other major American sports and call their top players "All Stars"? Now I have followed football for twenty years and for 5 seconds after reading the aforementioned headline, I honestly believed that the Colts had released a professional bowler. I truly thought that there was a dude in Colts camp, who made his living hurling a heavy ball at ten pins, in a forward facing triangle formation.

I'll accept seventy five percent of the blame for my own stupidity. However, such misunderstandings would never happen if the NFL didn't give such stupid titles to their best players.

Return of The Nightly Wrestling Haiku!!!

I call him "The Brain".

Humanoids call him "Weasel".

He's Bobby Heenan.