Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
I wish I had the technological hardware/know how to make screen grabs off the T.V. because Ian Ziering is currently sitting right behind homeplate at tonight's Mets-Dodgers soiree. Last seen hosting the eerily Oedipal, Your Mama Don't Dance, Steve Sanders certainly seems to be enjoying himself at tonight's game though there is no way he can be having as much fun as he had in the above-pictured episode. That outfit really holds up after all these years. If only I was still playing intramural softball...
In a related story, in an attempt to jumpstart his career for the 27th time, Ray Pruit sang the National Anthem for tonight's game. Sung to the melody "Hold On", one of the two songs in his catalog, Pruit's rendition was not particularly well received by the Dodger faithful. Not happy with his performance, Pruit proceeded to throw Donna down the aisle to their 8th row seats.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
This better be part of a "In the Company of Men" type scenario, in which D. Wade courts Star Jones for the sole purpose of cruelly rejecting her. If not, I have lost all respect for the man. Star Jones's skin fits her body about as snuggly as the baggy fits the Metrodome's rightfield wall. You could actually grab her by the scruff of her wrists. I am so vicariously embarassed for Wade that I am really having a hard time looking at him right now.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
- The Yankees two most irreplaceable players, Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada, are on the DL. Derek Jeter, their third most important position player, still does not appear to be 100% after straining his quad early in the season. None of these men are spring chickens. Their soft tissue injuries could linger for the better part of the season.
- The Yankees have yet to win a game pitched by Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy. At worst the youngsters were expected to anchor the back end of the rotation. I actually believed that Hughes would be an instant number two starter. Hughes has lost about 3 MPH on his fastball from this time last year, which is scary. Scarier still is that he is locating it with all the precision of someone who does something extremely imprecisely. Kennedy has average stuff across the board. He made it to the big leagues in just over a year, on the strength of his command. He simply cannot get Major Leaguers out if he doesn't hit spots.
- Despite a recent hot streak, Johnny Damon is a hair band and it's 1991.
- Jason Giambi is a hair band. And it's 1993!
- They can't really keep playing .700 ball after the All-Star break every season.
If I were Cashman, I would take the following drastic measures in order to salvage the season.
- Demote Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes immediately. Promote pitchers Darrell Rasner and Dan Giese. Plug Rasner in as the 4th starter.
- Get Joba Chamberlain into the rotation by the end of May. In the meantime, throw your bullpen by committee every fifth day. Next time this spot comes up, use Chamberlain, Ohlendorf, and Giese for three innings a piece. Stretch Joba an extra inning every time this spot comes around. Within a few weeks, Joba will all stretched out.
- Acquire a competent starting first baseman. I'm thinking either Nick Johnson or Adam Dunn. Both play for organizations that undervalue their on base skills. Neither figures to be part of their teams' long term plan. A couple of middling prospects should be enough to land either one.
- Release Jason Giambi. All he could ever do was hit. And he can no longer do that. It's over.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I myself am 28 years old and work in an environment with adolescent girls. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO IT, but I could see how a grown man would consider pursuing a sexual relationship with some of them. However it would take a true deviant for an adult male to befriend one.
Until IMDB posted that it was Jack Klugman's birthday last week, I was under the assumption that he had been dead for many years. I had a similar misunderstanding about Carl Weathers. In Weathers's case I suppose the fact that he died in the only three roles I've ever seen him play (Apollo Creed, the soldier in "Predator", and Chubbs Peterson) led to my confusion. In Klugman's case, it's probably because he was old in the 60s.
The NFL Draft was mundane. There was really only one guy the casual fan could get about and things went pretty much according to plan. Nobody traded up for a top-tier player. Nobody slid overly far. At least it was fast.
Who would thought that Jeff Van Gundy would become one of the most colorful characters around basketball. I could see him going completely off the deep end, a la Bill Raftery, in his old age. The thought of watching this alone gives me the motivation to live into my 40s
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Phillies (90-72) Division Winner
When is somebody going to get the "Chase Utley is the best player in baseball" train a-rollin'. I want my own car. Utley is one of the 10 best hitters in baseball and he plays a mean second base (one of the most demanding positions on the field). If you rank him behind anybody other than A-Rod, Pujols, and possibly Hanley Ramirez you just aren't paying attention. Based upon their shaky starting pitching, I had a hard time picking the Phillies to win the division. But from what I have seen the Mets are not as good as I thought.
Mets (87-75) Wild Card
The Mets are 62-62 in their last 134 games. At a certain point, you have to start wondering if they are fundamentally average team.
They only have one pitcher who is capable of completing 7 innings. Even on their best days, Maine and Perez cruise for 4 innings, then walk the ballpark in the fifth and sixth, causing them to rack up 100+ pitches. If Maine and Perez were teenaged female babysitters, they would do a great job helping the kids with their homework, play some fun board games, and get the kids tucked in by 9:00. A flawless start. Then they would invite their friends over to party, get drunk bang their boyfriends on the parent's bed, waking up the children and leaving them horrified.
Like a loser, I did the math on Jose Reyes last calendar year. In his last 674 ABs and 740 PAs, Reyes is batting .258 with .324 OBP and a .387 SLG. That adds up to a .711 OPS. It's safe to say Mets fans expected more than "Neifi Perez the Sequel" when they were going bat shit about him this time last year.
Atlanta Braves (86-76)
When healthy this team has the most upside in the NL East. However they can't keep their relievers healthy, Glavine is on the DL, Smoltz's arm is already barking and Chipper Jones's lower half (besides his sweet sweet cock) is about as structurally as that bridge in Minneapolis.
Florida Marlins (73-89)
This team has absolutely no pitching. Seriously none. If the Marlins held a pitching garage sale, I would probably pick up Kevin Gregg to pitch in middle relief and leave the rest. Scott Olsen has been doing it with smoke and mirrors. He doesn't strike anybody out and has a 1:1 K:BB rate. Olsen hasn't really turned a corner and he will come crashing down to Earth in May.
Remember when people argued about whether they would rather have Hanley Ramirez or Jose Reyes. Oh, those were simpler times.
Washington Nationals (65-97)
Now this is exciting! How often can you finally write off three formerly hot prospects on the same team, at the very same time? And to have them all come from the same, separate organization? It's magic! Those three gents are Austin Kearns, Wily Mo Pena, and Felipe Lopez.
I will be rooting hard for John Lannan, since I work with two of his relatives. However their pitching stinks as much as the Marlins and they don't have any mashers to make up for it. A bad, bad, bad baseball team.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Hornets over Mavs (IWISB): Were it possible, I'd be willing to have Chris Paul's baby. I can't think of a decent sports analogy for his playoff debut. On impact alone, I can only compare Paul's postseason performance to Ryan Atwood's arrival in the O.C. (sorry, that was too "Sports Guy). If Paul continues playing like he has in the first two games of the Dallas series, the Hornets can realistically skip three years of growing pains and win a Championship this year.
Jazz over Rockets: I got nothing.
Suns over Spurs: I'm sticking to it. God just owes the Suns a little bit of luck.
Yes I got lazy with this post. However writing about these games was preventing me from watching them. If you feel ripped off, I'll send you your money back.
Monday, April 21, 2008
(I fully realize that the mathematical figure is spelt "Pi" and Felix's last name is pronounced Pee-A, and that this joke doesn't work at all.)
Besides Mike Bibby,who they acquired at mid-season, the Hawks 6 best players are natural 3 or 4s. If the Hawks' executives were playing Nintendo's Ice Hockey they would select an entire team of middle size guys.
Pistons over Sixers in 5:
I should probably revamp this prediction to a six game series at this point. A few points on yesterday's game. I come out of that game more unimpressed with the Pistons than I am impressed with Philadelphia. The only Sixer who really played well was Reggie Evans. By the way why hasn't that son of a bitch found a home yet? He's an animal. Evans needs to be playing 33 minutes a night for a serious contender. And Jason Maxiell is a Reggie Evans clone. (That's a compliment).
Magic over Toronto in 6:
The Raptors are poised to have a run like the Hawks did in the mid-90s Lenny Wilkins era. Sure they have enough talent to be one of the 4-6 seeds for the next several years. But they are never going further than that. I'm curious as to whether Dwight Howard will leave this series as a sure-shot top 10 NBA player?
Cavs over Wizards in 7:
The Wizards certainly have a legitimate shot. This pick is strictly a show of faith in Lebron, as the Wizards obviously have the second, third, and fourth best players in the series.. The fact that these teams hate one another makes this the best series in the East.
After Pettitte and Wang, the Yankees rotation is in shambles. Mike Mussina is probably finished. He can't hit 88 MPH on the gun anymore. Ian Kennedy, with acoustic stuff, needs to hit spots in order to be effective. Thus far this season, he has walked 13 men in 14 innings. It's starting to look like he could use a couple more months on the farm. Phil Hughes's stuff has nearly returned to his preinjury form, but he is curiously missing spots with his fastball, leading to fat pitches in hitters' counts.
Throw in the fact that the Yankees have relief pitchers coming out of their ears on the farm (Britton, Ramirez, Patterson, Albaladejo, Giese, Veras, and even possibly Humberto Sanchez, J.B. Cox, and Mark Melancon by the All-Star break) and it's a slam dunk. I know these names mean nothing to the Mike and the Mad Dogs of the world, but the Yankees have more solid relief prospects than they will ever be able to utilize. Will any of them be as good as Joba? Probably not. But if any two of them can do a respectable job it makes all the sense in the world to give Joba the opportunity to throw thrice the innings.
Yes Chamberlain hasn't "proven" that he can be a great starting pitcher in the Major Leagues. The same thing could have been said about every great pitcher, just before they proved that they were great. The guy throws four pitches, three of which are plus-plus. He throws strikes and is a big stocky kid. Show me the red flags that cast doubt on his ability to start. Besides, has he even "proven" he can hold up to the rigors of a whole season in the bullpen? The guy has been a reliever for about a half of a season. I believe he has pitched on consecutive nights twice in his life and has never pitched on three consecutive nights.
Give 'em hell, Hank!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Then Tim goes on to draw a cringe-worthy analogy. I'll paraphrase to the best of my recollection. "Manuel is like two other famous Virginians, Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee. They were also underestimated by Americans, because they were from Virginia. (snickers whimsically)". Congratulations Timmy. You broke your own world record for "Least charming aside on baseball broadcast".
Two problems. Firstly if early Americans had such a low opinion of the intelligence of Virginians, why were 6 of our first 16 presidents from the state?
Secondly, and far more importantly, why are you celebrating traitors, who are so flagrantly on the wrong side of history? These were not uneducated Southern farmers, confused in the fog of war, uncertain for what they were fighting. One could give those folks the benefit of the doubt. Jackson and Lee were West Point grads, who knew full well that they were turning on their nation to preserve the institution of slavery. This should not be portrayed as a cutesy underdog story anymore than the Third Reich.
Good thing McCarver isn't announcing the Mavs/Hornets series. We would be treated to something like this. "Everybody is underestimating Dirk because he lost to the Warriors in the playoffs last year. But people also underestimated another famous German, Adolf Hitler, after his nation lost World War I." (snickers whimsically)
I understand the dance move takes some dexterity and athleticism, but if you want to execute it properly you have to jump your other leg through the leg you're holding. Just grabbing your leg and hopping up and down does look that cool.
See below at the 2:51 mark for a perfect example of how the move is properly executed:
(Hat tip to JBlo)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
But not having an offspring with internal genitalia on Take Your Daughter to Work Day is a lot like not having a main squeeze on Valentine's Day. You just feel left out.
So for the rest of us, I propose a phonemic reversal of the first sounds of the words "daughter" and "work" and a slight tweak in spelling. Suddenly you have a new holiday "Take Your Water to Dirk Day". The festivities are rather self-explanatory. Find a guy named Dirk and bring your water to him. As a sports fan, the first Dirk that comes to mind is Dirk Nowitzki. This year TYDTW Day falls on April 24. This is one day before what will likely be a crucial Game 3 for the Mavericks in their series with the Hornets. I strongly encourage our enormous Dallas/Ft. Worth fanbase to bring Dirk bottles of water on this day. You know he is going to be thirsty. Avery Johnson will have that team busting their asses in preparation for the first home game of the postseason. Dirk will need to be properly hydrated.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
1) Anaheim Angels: 86-78 (Division Winners)- I think 86 wins will be enough to take down the AL West this year. I'm just not sure which team will get there. My best guess is the Angels. Although their rotation is worse than it his been in years, their offense should be better than it has been since the '02 Championship team. Obviously four months of a healthy John Lackey will be crucial to the Angels' success. Perhaps it's his dopey face or putzy name, but nobody gives Lackey the credit for being the top 10 pitcher that he has clearly become. He is rapidly becoming this decade's Kevin Appier.
2) Seattle Mariners: 85-79 - The M's lineup is very soft and their bullpen is shambles with Putz injured and Sherill in Baltimore. They are going to need Cy Young caliber seasons out of Felix Hernandez AND Eric Bedard to win this division. If they stay healty that is a distinct possibility.
3) Oakland A's: 81-81 - On a scale of 1 to 10, just about every A's player fits in the 4-6 range (Rich Harden and his glass arm notwithstanding). Given the complete lack of star power and the absence of SF Giants level stinkers, this team is mediocrity defined. If Harden throws over 110 innings, the A's peek above .500. If he throws less, they dip just below.
4) Texas Rangers: 73-89 - Given the Rangers spotty choice for low level scouts, I don't have much faith in this organization. But seriously, folks. After Baltimore this is the worst team in the AL. They really don't do anything particularly well. Well that's not fair. Josh Hamilton is really awesome at doing drugs.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Emotionally Detached Yankees Fan
1) Kobe Bryant- Writers tend to get too cute with this award. Well, Kobe is the best player in basketball. He plays on the best team in the best conference. That is enough for me.
2) Chris Paul- The only other guy who has a legitimate argument. Early in the season Mookie and I had a discussion about whether we would rather have Deron Williams or Chris Paul on a team. We both said we would take Paul by a hair. Since then Williams has stepped his game up dramatically. But Paul's play has been so off the charts brilliant, that it's no longer even debateable.
3) Kevin Garnett- Numbers are down across the board, but he doesn't need to carry the load on this. With all due respect to Ray Allen, Garnett's presence in the lineup turned this team from laughing stocks to the best bet to win the championship. I HATE talking about shit like intangibles, but with a guy like Garnett you just can't ignore them.
Conspicuosly missing) Lebron James- When your team fails to outscore it's opponents on the season, I can't put you in the discussion. (Rule does not apply to baseball)
Coach of the Year-
1) Byron Scott- He has already been to two finals as the coach of a Nets team with fairly modest expectations. However, this has to be considered his signature year as a coach. Most people expected the Hornets to finish just above .500 and scuffle for an 8th seed. With two games left in the season Scott still has them competing for a 1 seed in an historically loaded Western Conference.
2) Doc Rivers- Maybe he isn't such a shitty coach after all. Half of last year's Celtics team are wearing T'Wolves jerseys now and playing like dog doo (pardon my French) for another coach. Meanwhile the Celtics are laying waste to the league.
3) Jerry Sloan- It's a shame that Sloan has never won a chapionship, because he is arguably the best coach of his generation. Considering Riley's past couple of seasons, the only guys who belong in the discussion with Sloan are Phil Jackson and Larry Brown.
Rookie of the Year-
1) Henry Rowengartner-
1) Kevin Durant- Mildly disappointing rookie season. He clearly needs to get more rebounds and shoot a higher percentage. Both of those stats should improve as he adds some muscle (in my head I just pronounced the "c" like Popeye). l still expect him to be scoring 30 per game within two seasons.
2) Al Horford- Already a very nice player, but perhaps I'm the only one who doesn't really see a crapload of upside. Don't get me wrong, he'll eventually be good for 16 and 10, but I don't think he'll ever be a great scorer.
3) You guys don't deserve a number 3
6th Man of the Year-
Ginobili is a SMINO (sixth man in name only). In fact he is probably only a sixth man so he can this award, so fuck him. To the rest of the candidates, all I have to say is "get better!". If you aren't one of your team's 5 best players, you don't deserve an individual award.
Most Improved Player-
Another stupid award. Theoretically a player could pop-and-lock at mid-court for a whole season, come back the next year and average 8 and 5 and win this piece of shit. I can't be asked to care.
Perhaps I'm naive but this seems like a desperate attempt to get some attention or justify some horrific behavior in the past. I don't see how a person who lived his life in the public eye for fifteen years could not have had such an illness exposed by now. His father had no clue. His wife didn't know. None of his teammates or members of the media saw this.
His ex-wife's corroboration of the story is a bit flimsy as well.
"Well, now it makes perfect sense, because each personality has a different interest," Grossman told "Nightline". "This one has an interest in ballet, this one has an interest in the Marines, this one had an interest [in the] FBI, this one had an interest in sports."
Talk about a wake-up call. As a fella whose interests include baseball, the Revolutionary War, salty snacks, and the feel of a moist vagina on my penis, I thought I was well within the bounds of sanity. In fact I thought those, and other interests, qualified me as a rather well-rounded person. But according to the former Ms. Walker, enjoying 4 or more things is a tell-tale sign of mental illness.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Cleveland Indians: 93-67 (AL Central Winner)
Joe Borowski has to be the best fella in the world. I mean, he must be the kind of guy who makes unsolicited air pressure checks on his teammates' tires, just to make sure their safe. The Lord knows there is no baseball-related justification for his strangle hold on a closer spot.
The Indians have as good a nucleus as anybody in baseball. Sizemore, Peralta, Hafner, and Martinez are All-Star caliber players in their prime. Sabathia and Carmona are as good a 1-2 punch as anybody has. To be a great team, they will need to add some decent complementary players. Another middle of the rotation starter and a solid hitter at one of the corners would go a long way to making this the team the best in baseball.
Detroit Tigers: 92-68 (Wild Card Winner)
I sensibly adjusted my forecast for the Tigers down from 96 to 92 wins because of their horrible start. However unlike many analysts I am careful not to go off the deep end based on a bad 11 game stretch. The sports media lives to jump all over an underachieving team with a high payroll. By rote they churn out a bunch of drivel about the team lacking the requisite spunkiness and the need for role players. In a sense, this team will be adding three to five All-Stars to their lineup shortly. Curtis Granderson will soon return. Miguel Cabrera will commence to mashing baseballs, because he is a baseball mashing cyborg, the likes of which rarely start to malfunction until well into their 30s. They will also be trading the stiffs currently embodying Ordonez, Sheffield, Rodriguez, and Renteria for the genuine articles. Their pitching staff remains a source of mild concern. Dontrelle Willis seems to have read Steve Avery's "How to Go from Dominant Southpaw to the Independent Leagues by Your Late Twenties". The Tigers pen looks weak, but bullpens are notoriously unpredictable. So who knows how the Tigers' relief situation will play itself.
Chicago White Sox: (79-83)
This is probably the least compelling team in baseball. They are awash with known commodities on the down sides of their careers. Too bad that there is probably juuuust enough juice in those old bones to prevent the ChiSox from being a bonafide laughing stock. I guess that's why God made 2009. Until then only the odd Ozzie Guillen meltdown will keep this in the news.
Kansas City Royals: (78-84)
For the first time since the Saberhagen era, the Royals might actually be building towards something. That something is likely a 3 year run of slightly above .500 baseball ('09-'11), but beggars can't be choosers. They have developed a nifty little pitching staff and Billy Butler will be destroying the ball for many years to come. Without a whole lot left on the farm or the money to get big time free agents (Meche and Guillen don't count) they will have a hard time becoming a true contender.
Minnesota Twins: (77-85)
Unless Francisco Liriano returns to 2006 form, this is going to be a tweener year for the Twins. While they continue to feature the best bullpen in the sport, they have too much youth in the outfield and the starting rotation. This squad is hard to predict as any, as I can easily envision scenarios in which they disappoint and win 70 games or shock the world and win 90. Bold prediction: The 2009 Twins go from worst to first like they did in 1991.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
In overtime I text DownRightNashty: Douglas-Roberts reminds me of Shawn Marion.
Nashty's response after Kansas wins and he loses his tourney pool: He reminds me of the Hindenberg.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
First the good. I love the way Girardi has handled the bullpen thus far (at least the members whom he has chosen for the big league roster). Thus far we have only seen one reliever go less than an inning in an outing. Changing pitchers every batter to capitalize on platoon splits is a surefire way to run your pen into the ground by August. He has properly utilized his two bullpen aces (Rivera and Chamberlain) in tight games and allowed his lesser pitchers to eat up the garbage innings. I know this seems obvious but having watched Joe Torre for the past several years, I no longer take common sense for granted. Particularly impressive was Joe Girardi pulling Wang yesterday with a 2-0 in the 7th, with nobody out, and runners on first and third. He had Chamberlain and Farnsworth warming in the pen and I was nearly certain Girardi was going to foolishly call on the lesser option. Instead Girardi summoned Chamberlain who worked out of trouble without allowing a run and pitched a scoreless 8th as well. Girardi proved that he would not be a slave to the "Joba must pitch 8th. Rivera must pitch 9th" mentality.
The bad news is that after Chamberlain and Rivera, Girardi did a miserable job constructing his bullpen. I honestly believe that the Triple A Scranton bullpen is better manned than the Yankees. At this point a Congressional Committee should be formed to uncover what exactly Chris Britton has to do to make the team. What about this resume suggest that he doesn't belong? (http://www.sportsline.com/mlb/players/playerpage/580515) He is clearly the third best reliever in the organization. I also believe that Edwar Ramirez and Scott Patterson are better than Farnsworth, Bruney, Ohlendorf, and probably Hawkins.
Girardi also seems to overvalue the prevention of a single run early in the game, while opening himself up to bigger innings. In the third game of the season in scoreless game in the 4th, Girardi brought the infield in with one out and a runner on third. Ultimately the decision did not affect the game one way or the other. However that type of thinking will be a detriment in the long run
Of course the deal will be null and void if a chick is sired as there is absolutely no money, excitement, and/or pride in female athletics.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The AL East is clearly the best division in baseball this year, with 2 juggernauts (Sox and Yanks), a very good team that would probably win the AL West, NL Central, and NL West (Blue Jays), and an up-and-coming D-Rays team that would contend for an NL Wild Card. Unfortunately (for me), I think the strength of the division will make it difficult for two teams to reach the playoffs from the AL East.
Boston Red Sox- (94-68, AL East Champs)- Mike Lowell's slide back toward mediocrity will be offset by J.D. Drew's improvement. The absence of Curt Schilling will be offset by Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz's increased role with the team. Other than that I don't expect much to change. They are still favorites to win the division.
NY Yankees- (92-70)- I will devote an entire post to them either today or tomorrow. In short, this will be the fourth consecutive season that I predict they will miss the postseason. I hope that I'm as right as I've been the past three seasons.
Toronto Blue Jays (89-73)- Same story as the past two seasons. If nearly everything breaks right for them, the Jays can win the division. Once again it's a bit of a long shot given the injury-prone nature of many of their key players. Still this is a very good team, with perhaps the deepest pitching staff in baseball.
Tampa Devil Rays (80-82)- Incredibly, the D'Rays are about one season and a free agent ace (they should back up the truck for Sabathia) away from threatening to take this division down. As for this year, I expect them to hover around .500 if Kazmir can give them 30 games and they call up Evan Longoria in short order. What I don't really understand how a team with no fanbase has the balls to keep such an obviously ready blue chip prospect (Longoria) in the minors to save some arbitration money in a couple of years. The D-Rays have yet to top 70 wins in their 10 years of existence. How much longer should the people of Tampa have to wait for an enjoyable product?
Baltimore Orioles (63-99)- There is no team in baseball further from contending for the playoffs than the Baltimore Orioles. Sure there are worse teams (Giants, Pirates, Marlins, Nats), but none of them have to contend with the two greatest powerhouses in the sport in their divisions. Making matters worse is that Peter Angelos does not have the stomach for rebuilding projects. Expect him to continue his cycle of panic splashes in the free agent pool, followed by panic fire sales for many years to come. Only the names change.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The truth is far sadder. It appears that the synergistic effect of a diet of strictly meatball parm subs and Stella D'ora breadsticks can lead to the premature breakdown of the body. If only Aunt Theresa made a better lasagna dish, poor Rocco might be on his way to the Hall of Fame. Damn shame.
Nene- I can't wait until they air "Nene's Nut Cancer Special". To see him sing "Hey kids feel your balls" in Portugese might be the highlight of my life. I also need to hear him repeat the word "tubing" in a variety of silly voices and introduce his parents to Drew Barrymore.
Kaz Matsui- I was requested by a faithful reader to make a joke about Matsui's anal fissures. No joke exists that can top the phrase "anal fissures" on it's own. So here goes: Anal fissures! ROTFL!
Monday, March 31, 2008
- I know I have written about this a few times before, but it really bears repeating. I can't even fathom the process that would lead a mid-market team to field a line-up as bad as the San Francisco Giants lineup. There is only one mildly productive position player on the team and not a single youngster with a milligram of promise. I just watched the last few innings of their shutout loss to the Dodgers and I really can't see them scoring a run the rest of the season. The embodiment of the Giants' problem: Brian Bocock, opening day shortstop, who batted .242 with 5 HRs in nearly 600 plate appearances IN SINGLE A last year! Brian Sabean has to be trying to lose. As putrid a GM as Isiah Thomas is, at least I understand his thought process. Thomas accumulates as much raw talent as possible in the hopes that he can turn them into good ballplayers. Sabean has been surrounding Barry Bonds with diarrhea for years and now will be exposed as perhaps the worst GM in the business.
- I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but Joe Torre managing the Dodgers means he gets another opportunity to pulverize poor Scott Proctor's elbow before he ever starts making the big bucks. The Dodgers bullpen would be wise to put in some calls to Lloyds of London.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A friend of mine is in the picture at the bottom of the post and witnessed the whole incident. The accounting set forth is 100% true. He emailed me the story and picture at the same time he notified some of the bigger splogs (sports blogs, duh).
If I only I checked the blog email frequently (or at all), we could have broke the story before Kissing Suzy Kolber, Deadspin, and various other outlets. Time to start working on my time machine.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Ok, first let me apologize for the lack of posts lately. I may get into the reasoning for the lull on a later post, but rest assured it pretty much has everything to do with me being lazy and tired and having a broken laptop. Now that I have taken care of the housekeeping matters, let us move onto the post.
For a while now an a friend/avid reader of this blog believe it or not) has been beeeeeeegggging me to watch a Tottenham Hotspur game with her at a pub by her apartment in Brooklyn. We'll call her Mrs. Met ("MM"). MM, like myself, is an anglophile. Unlike myself, she has actually spent substantial time in merry old England, so she isn't a poser (like me). While across the Atlantic, MM picked up an appreciation for most things British including soccer and became a fan of the Tottenham Hotspur. The Hotspur are tough luck losers and second class citizens in the EPL (that's the English Premier League, for the uninformed), making them the EPL version of the Mets/Jets, which instantly made them somewhat endearing you me. As a brief aside, I'm fully aware that the Sports Guy became a Tottenham Hotspur fan in his brief foray into EPL soccer, and I know I have a reputation of ripping off the Simmons' jokes and writing style, so believe me that the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, so MM had been beeeeggggiiiing me to go catch a game with her at the local Hotspur hotspot and after she found a game that didn't start at 7am EST, I agreed.
I am have never considered myself a soccer fan. I never played the game growing up. When soccer was all the rage and hailed as the next big thing, I embraced it much like a white, blue collar Farmingville resident embraces an El Salvadorian. I wrongfully perceived soccer as a threat to my beloved baseball, and in my mind, the American sports landscape wasn't big enough for the both of them.
I have since grown up and matured since my teenaged years (shaadup!) and was now willing to give soccer another chance. I figured what better opportunity than watching the Carling Cup finals, in a English Pub chock full of Tott'nam Hotspur fans.
The morning starts off splendedly as upon entering the pub (Floyd's), I encounter a black guy with an English accent. Next to a white guy with a Carribbean accent, this is one of my favorite sight/sound combinations. From here on out, I'm playing with house money.
The game hasn't started yet, but everyone is already chanting, chanting, and chanting some more. It's barely 10am, but Floyd's patrons are already sauced up and I wouldn't expect it any other way. The vibe of the group? I'd categorize it as fervent college fans, but without those fans who don't know anything about the sport and just cheer like idiots simply because they are enrolled in a particular school (Klotsche Krazies, I'm looking at you).
The group is slow to warm to me in part because of the gravity of the game, in part because I'm a new face, but mainly because I'm an additional dude in a place where the guy-girl ratio isn't a favorable one. It probably didn't help matters that I was pretty quiet as I wanted to take in the whole scene. Plus MM had warned me repeatedly not to be a douchebag and I figured the best way to do that was to refrain from speaking.
Not long after the start of the match, it becomes apparent that every Chelsea player is either a cunt or wanker, depending on the how badly the player flopped. If you get touched slightly, roll on the ground for a couple minutes, but don't draw a card, you're most likely to be classified as a wanker. If you do all of the above and draw a card or penalty kick, then my friend, you are cunt. This scene certainly isn't for the Julia C's of the world (a little inside I know), as the C word gets thrown around with enough reckless abandon to make even a Vagina Monloguer blush.
The game is a hotly contested one and goes into overtime. Like a typical American I thought OT was sudden death and was ready to start looting and rioting after Tottenham scores, but alas my enthusiam is tempered once I realize that there is another fifteen minutes to play.
What I enjoyed most about Hotspur fans is that like Mets and/or Jets fans, they expect failure up until the final whistle is blown. No lead is ever big enough, and the refs, the world, and the gods are against them. It is no coincidence that I was informed that many Tottenham fans are also Mets fans.
Thankfully, Tottenham did win and I was able to witness some good, old fashioned celebrating. Glasses were broken, men hugged and were hugged, pictures were taken (mostly by MM), and fight songs were sung and sung some more. I enjoyed watching all of this transpire, but at the same time felt a disconnect because I was there as an outsider observing other people's euphoria, wishing just once I could celebrate the championship of a team I've rooted for, cared about, and loved for my entire life. The 2003 St. John's NIT championship doesn't cut it, sorry Grady Reynolds.
[Insert cliched conclusory paragraph about how wrong I was to have dismissed soccer as a youth and how I've gained a deeper appreciation for the sport.]
Monday, March 3, 2008
Offensively, the talent infusion on the line should pay dividends on multiple levels. D'Brickashaw Ferguson should be much more effective playing next to Faneca rather than the turnstyle known as Adrian Clarke. A line that can actually, run block, pass block, and pick up the blitz should create holes for Thomas Jones and provide Kellen Clemens with a pocket, throwning lanes, and time to actually make it through more than one of his progression reads.
These four signings also provide the Jets with great flexibility in the upcoming NFL Draft. Prior to the onset of free agency, it seemed the Jets were destined for Ohio State's Vernon Ghoulston, as an edge rushing linebacker was a pressing need. Now Ghoulston may still be the pick (and a good one at that), but with the acquisition of Pace the Jets are free to go after the one offensive playmaker in the draft, Darren McFadden. Drafting RunDMC would be the piece de resistance of the offseason and generate a genuine buzz around the Jets, the likes of which have not been seen or heard since 1999.
If you read this post carefully, or at all, you'd have noticed that I through a lot of qualifiers in my analysis such as "should" or "on paper". That's because it is very difficult to build an NFL team via free agency. (See Redskins, Washington) Perhaps it stems from a lack of motivation after getting handed a large chunk of money or the short shelf life of NFL players, but there are many instances where teams simply do not get great value from their free agent signings, especially at the back end of the deal. Nevertheless, free agency breathes hope into distraught fan bases every year, inflating expectations to lofty levels, leading to inevitable disappointment. From that last line, I'm sure you can safely guess that I'm a Jet fan who lived through initial optimism and eventual depression of the Neil O'Donnell era.
Friday, February 29, 2008
"This year, Boston is the flavor of the month."
What an incongruous thing to say.
That's all I've got...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It's time for Norm Roberts to go. St. John's has been unwatchable for years, thanks in large part to the ultimate fraud, Mike Jarvis, but the program during Stormin' Norman's 5 years has not made any type of progress. Norm has brought in only one recruit that other notable programs were interested in; Justin Burrell. The team is miserable in the half court set, sloppy when running the court, lazy when playing defense, and lacks a player with better shooting range than the Duck Hunt gun. Under Norm, St. John's has not played one important game, and the program has not had a meaningful game since the 2003 NIT championship (if that even counts as meaningful).
His stubbornness is equally as frustrating. Norm insists on playing Eugene Lawrence despite his proclivity for committing turnovers, his ugly shot, the receedingist hairline in the history of man, and decision making that rivals the ESPN HR Department. He insists on sitting Larry Wright, the one guy who can almost consistently hit an open shot because he has defensive lapses. Hey Norm, when the team scores 12 points in a half in a Big East game, it might be time to put some guys on the floor who can actually put the ball in the hoop.
So, who's next to coach SJU? There were some rumors regarding Pitino. Not likely. Calipari? Over Louie Carnesecca's non-cancerous ridden body (Coach Cal as an assistant for Pitt used to tell recruits that Louie had cancer). Paul Hewitt? He's another name that has been routed in and out of the rumor mill, but he's good friends with Norm and while he would be an upgrade (who wouldn't) he's not a knock out hire. Whoever the next coach is is walking into a very tough situation. Few current recruits can remember a time when St. John's was not just relevant, but competitive. The AAU bridges that were burnt by Jarvis have not been fully rebuilt. Lastly, a small Catholic school does not have the resources to compete with the big time state schools in the Big East, so a the new coach better have an established name or be an extreme go-getter.
Ok, I'm not wasting any more time on this post because besides Tremont and myself I don't know anyone who still cares about this once historic program.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
- (Insert aging star) feels better than he has in 5 years
- (Insert last year's disappointment) has (changed attitude/lost weight/added muscle/regained velocity/added another pitch)
- (Insert scrub/non-descript prospect) is turning some heads.
- (Insert fun-loving off-season acquisition) has helped loosen up the clubhouse. Or conversely (insert intense, no-nonsense acquisition) has brought professionalism to the team.
And every year I buy into the hype and start having visions of a 140-22 season.
I like to imagine Mel Kiper Jr. watching Todd McShay's spots on SportsCenter the way a jealous boyfriend watches his gal's dates on MTV's Parental Control. I see Kiper cockily sprawled out on a Disney executive's coach as the suits tell him that McShay is everything Kiper is not. A defiant Kiper spits out a bunch of canned zingers about McShay and the execs. Then he lifts his leg, farts, waves it in the direction of the Disney executives, and says "You know you like it".
When Scott Van Pelt and McShay return from their date, Van Pelt has a tough decision to make. He weighs the pros and cons of staying with Kiper.
"Mel, your a real nice guy sometimes and we have a lot of history...BUT...You look like Dracula and you don't respect me. I choose Todd."
Disney executives celebrate. A dumbfounded Kiper says ESPN is skanky anyway, farts again, then splits.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Since he wrested nearly complete control of personnel decisions after the 2006 season, Cashman has an almost (cough...Igawa...cough) unblemished record. He has not gummed up the roster with highly paid veteran mediocrities. Instead he has aggressively, but not recklessly, promoted his prospects (Cabrera, Hughes, Chamberlain, Kennedy) to play key roles on the major league roster, with excellent results. In an offseason that many thought would be a disaster, Cashman re-signed all of his key free agents; A-Rod, Posada, Abreu, Pettitte, and Rivera. With his job on the line, Cashman has steadfastly refused to go for the quick fix (Johan Santana) at the expense of the future of a franchise he may not be with for long.
So now that I've slobbered all over Cashman's sack, I have one complaint about this offseason. He should have been able to turn one of his bottomless stockpile of second tier pitching prospects (Horne, Marquez, Kontos, etc) for a dominant lefty set-up man on a non-contender. What are the Pirates doing to do with Damaso Marte? Where are the Orioles going with both George Sherill and Jamie Walker on their roster? Cashman is going into Spring Training hoping against hope that jabronies like Sean Henn and Billy Traber can get a big out against David Ortiz or Travis Hafner. As stacked as the AL is, the Yanks don't have time for futzing with guys who are unlikely to hold down the spot.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
From a strictly selfish reasons, I'm happy not to be bombarded with stories about Barry Bonds anymore. But I try to be more reasonable than romantic in my sports analysis. With that said there are two teams who should be dialing Boras's phone as we speak. Both the Blue Jays and the Mariners need Bonds desperately to get over the hump. First of all, even if he doesn't help the team (which he will), the guy will undoubtedly boast either team's attendance (particularly Toronto). Second neither team has a truly fearsome masher in the middle of their order. Both teams need another lefty bat. Bonds solves both of those problems. Finally there's nothing dumber than spending a crapton of money for a team that is probably going to hang around on the periphery of contention, just to fall a little short. The M's and Jays have a high payroll anyway. What's another $10 or $12 million if it puts them in the playoffs?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
You've gotta love this trade from the Nets' perspective. Jason Kidd was never going to part of another Nets contender. It's clear that the Kidd/Carter/Jefferson nucleus had gone as far as it was going to go. They can't draw stick figures with or without Kidd so it won't affect attendance at all.
Devin Harris is a terrific young player. Hollinger rates him as the best defensive point guard in the league and he is above average on the offensive end as well. It looks like Harris is on his way to a 6 year run as a borderline All-Star. Adding him to a core that includes Richard Jefferson, Marcus Williams, Sean Williams and Josh Boone gives the Nets an excellent young supporting cast, just looking for a star. Jefferson was born to be a championship third option. Josh Boone and Sean Williams are a dynamite young frontline, albeit the type that look a lot better on the offensive end with Kidd spoon-feeding them.
Hopefully the Nets can stink up the joint enough to fall into the lottery, because they are going to need to land a young superstar in order to really start cooking with gas. Obviously finding the great player is the hardest part. But I trust that Rod Thorn will be able to use chips like Vince Carter, Nenad Krstic, and the extra draft picks as chips to find that guy.
So it's obviously a big win for the Nets. And until reading the most recent Sport's Guys column I thought Dallas made out well also. I usually find Simmons entertaining, but rarely all that persuasive. However in this case, he brilliantly lays out why Kidd doesn't really fit the Mavs' personnel. I won't reiterate, click the link.
P.S. I'm thrilled not to have to look at Kidd's creepy son anymore.
Scrappy and ancient, it's amazing it took this long for Kurt Thomas to become a Spur. The Spurs desperately needed help on the front line and they got it. But by plugging the one hole in the dam, they had to take their finger of another. Trading Brent Barry means that, after Ginobili, the Spurs will be offensively challenged at the two/three. They also gave up a first rounder in next year's draft, when they need new blood more than a starving vampire. All things considered, this was still the right move.
But seriously folks, I don't think this helps the Cavs all that much this season and certainly does nothing for their future title aspirations. Ben Wallace serves no function anymore. Joe Smith is just another guy. Delonte West looked like a very nice player in his first couple of seasons, but has regressed in the past two. He has been a non-factor on a bad basketball team. Not a good sign. Wally Szczerbiak can still shoot the lights out, but he's probably the least agile swingman in the league. He should still be helpful in small doses.
I actually sort of like this trade from the Bulls point of view. Dumping those old forwards was addition by subtraction. Wallace has been an old, expensive, unproductive malcontent for the Bulls. Plus he is blocking a bunch of unskilled, offensively challenged, younger energy guys. I have always liked Drew Gooden's game, although his numbers indicate that he suffers from Roy Hibbert's Disease (a little known condition that causes a player to be productive only when Tremont is watching him).
Obviously this is a straight salary dump for the Sonics. I'm neither here nor there about the trade from their perspective
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Anyway, I was unable to ask him any hard hitting "The Wire" based questions. And the students in my class knew him only from R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" videos. So I blew a pretty big opportunity to add some quality content to the site. My bad. What I can tell you about Mr. Williams is that he is fond of making air quotes, sometimes unnecessarily. He also mimes typing when he discusses using a computer.
He's a pretty mint dude, as he fielded the insipid questions of borderline retarded sixth graders, without coming across as condescending. I will probably never be able to pull that trick...and that's essentially what I'm paid to do. Very impressive.
Also when he gave me a smile and a nod, I felt pretty cool for a moment. It was like being in high school again and getting a pound from one of the black kids.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
It is essentially clear to anyone with a logical and objective mind that Roger Clemens used steroids and HGH. If you think that he is innocent, you probably also volunteered to help OJ Simpson in his search for the real killers. Most people in power in this federal investigation have to realize this. (However, it is unbelievable how stupid some people in powerful leadership positions can be- check out what Senator Virgina Foxx had to say: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/tom_verducci/02/13/verducci.top5recap/index.html?eref=T1 )
Anyways, with Barry Bonds eventually going to trial for perjury, wouldn't there be a tremendous outcry from the African-american community if Roger Clemens does not go to trial as well?? Not to mention from Barry Bonds camp?? It appears that there is more evidence now against Clemens than there ever was against Bonds- namely because Clemens' provider/trainer has talked and Bonds' has not. With his own trial imminent- Bonds' camp certainly would cry no fair if Clemens isn't charged with the same crimes, and I can only assume that the race card would shortly follow- perhaps justly in this instance. Bonds situation clearly can't be good for Clemens. Just a thought- hope I'm not too late on it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
To be consistent with the recent trend of our website, I am going to reveal the identity of Mookie in a rather unusual manner. Because I do not want his readers to consistently visualize a short, hairy midget of a man every time they read one of his articles, I have instead decided to post a picture of a girl who he has hooked up with. And if you are wondering if he crashed there afterward, the answer is YES. Probably got in some quality spooning time as well. I hope you all can now visualize for yourselves what this unoriginal little elf looks like.
So since Johnny Dakota started outing some of our commenters and posters, I figured that I'd do the same. Infrequent poster Side Salad, known for his single paragraph, stream of consciousness writing style, is actually a professional toga partier named Gayus Maximus. No word on whether he was given that name at birth or on the early 80's San Francisco bath house scene.
First to be revealed, SYHD frequent comment-leaver, Chief Stickeyback...
Oh my God, it's Pepe Locuaz!!!!! From Univision!!!
On the next reveal, guest contributer Fat Dizzle will show a clip of himself singing "Strangers in the Night" with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.
(Hat tip to With Leather)
(Belated hat tip to Kissing Suzy Kolber for yesterday's Giant celebration clip)
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
This deal is a disaster for many reason. Most importantly, Shaq is not all that good at basketball anymore. The lone remaining strength of O'Neal's game is his post-up offense. Unfortunately the Suns are the last team in the world that can accomodate these strengths for two reasons. First the Suns are at their best when running, not waiting for lumbering giants to set up shop in the lane. Second with the Suns his touches in the post will come at the expense of Amare Stoudemire; a decidedly better offensive player at this point.
Sure he brought a depressing Boober-esque presence to the otherwise happy Fraggle Rock type atmosphere in Phoenix. But Shawn Marion was such a huge part of what the Suns did. He could ably guard the 2 through the 4 positions, rebound brilliantly, and outrun every other power forward in the league down the floor.
This trade was an act of desperation by a team that had no reason to be desperate. Last season the Suns may well have won a title, if not for some of their best players foolishly leaving the bench during a fight. This year they have the best record in the Western Conference. Why panic? Sure the Lakers improved themselves by adding Gasol. But the Suns style of play could really have given the slow, defensively challenged Lakers fits. Were Gasol and Bynum going to stop Marion and Stoudemire from leaking out on the break? Not a chance. By adding Shaq, the Suns are commiting to slowing the game down, thus completely playing into the Lakers hands. Phil Jackson must be smiling right now.
All I can say is wow. My beloved Phoenix Suns, in what was assuredly a knee-jerk reaction to the blockbuster Pau Gasol trade completed by the Lakers last week (fuck you Memphis), have just acquired Shaquille O'neal for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks' awful contract. Contrary to what 90% of the talking heads are saying this morning, I think this is a great albeit incredibly ballsy move for the boys in purple.
This thing is going one of two ways- A. the Big Aristotle provides a stabilizing defensive presence-opens the floors for the shooters-and provides the low post rebounding/scoring presence the Suns have so desperately needed. Or B.- The Big Fundamental runs out of diesel fuel, misses 32 games with another weight related injury and leaves the Suns with a gaping hole in the middle and out in the first round of the playoffs. The Western Conference is shaping up for an epic post-season; one in which the victor is going to look like the German army post-Stalingrad by the time they make the finals. In what has become the biggest arms race since the cold war-the Suns just added their weapon of mass destruction.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
The play where Eli was nearly sacked, scrambled out of the pocket and threw to David Tyree who leaped and caught the ball against his helmet was the greatest play in Super Bowl history. I'm really not interested in any counter-arguments.
I don't understand why the Pats continued to go with 4 and 5 wide receivers when they clearly couldn't protect Brady all game. Their coaching staff showed a rare inability to make in-game adjustments on the offensive side of the ball.
The Giants pass rush is absolutely off the charts.
I'm thrilled that Tiki and Shockey weren't part of this game.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Our three New York readers might agree with this- Lupica's time at Newsday resembled Ric Flair's first run in the WWF. Lupica had been a long time stallwart and featured columnist at the News. Newsday brought him in, promoted him heavily, and annointed him their featured columnist as well. But the two were never really a great fit and after about two years, Lupica left Newsday to return to the news.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
"Did the Mets get Johan?!" I excitedly yelled to Horowitz who was about 8 feet from me at the time.
Horowitz looked up at me, gave a terse "no comment", and immediately re-entered the conference room from whence he came.
What are the odds that I would run into the Mets PR guy just minutes after word of the Santana trade broke? I guess 50/50- it either happens or it doesn't.
Later on in the day I had the pleasure of meeting Daryl Strawberry, who was also attending this fundraiser. I shook his hand and we exchanged pleasantries, right before several media outlets crowded him to get some react quotes about the Santana acquisition.
Pretty awesome day.
Here are some more quick thoughts on the move:
-The Mets now have the best rotation in baseball and have to be considered the favorites in the NL.
-This acquisition goes a long way to remove the awful taste in the mouths of fans resulting from last year's collapse.
-Both Humber and Mulvey would kill to have the career of the white Bobby Jones. Guerra is a crapshoot. Projecting young pitchers is incredibly difficult. He might be good one day, but his pedestrian K/9 ratio in A ball never really excited me. I don't see the 30hr potential in Gomez that some scouts were touting. He never put up power numbers in the minors, has poor strike zone recognition, and has a loopy swing with a lot of holes. No big loss.
-Johan neutralizes the Phillies two top bats, Howard and Utley, and hopefully those asshole Phillies fans are shitting themselves right now.
-The Mets now have a starter who can pitch deep into games, thus alleviating bullpen's workload. Not having a pitcher who could get through 5 or 6 innings absolutely killed the Mets down the stretch last season as the bullpen was completely worn thin.
-The Mets essentially replaced Glavine with Pedro and added Santana. Not too shabby.
-Is it too early to start dreaming about signing Mark Teixeira next offseason?
-If the Mets don't sign Santana to an extension, I would seriously have to think about giving up on the Mets once and for all.
-With apologies to Keith Hernandez and Gary Carter, this will go down as the best trade in the history of the franchise.
On the other hand, the Twins GM and legendary Islanders' goaltender Bill Smith surrendered the most desired property in the sport, without acquiring a single can't-miss prospect. Despite the fact that scouts fantasize about their tools like Judge Reinhold fantasized about Phoebe Cates, Carlos Gomez and Deolis Guerra have never dominated at any level in the minor leagues. Kevin Mulvey and Phil Humber are the types of prospects who can only dream of becoming the next generation Steve Trachsel; a halfway decent pitcher for decade or so.