Monday, June 11, 2007

America Spurned













If Tim Duncan banks in an 18 foot jump shot and nobody is watching does it make a sound? While most Americans are waking up today and wondering what the hell exactly happened to Tony, Meadow, Carmela, and Anthony Jr. (way to stay true to your form and bug the shit out of everybody Mr. Chase), they m0st assuredly either flipped over to the game at halftime, saw the Spurs up 58 points and went to bed, or woke up this morning and heard about the excruciatingly predictable outcome on the tv/radio/internet.

And if there is one thing we have become accustomed to with this present Spurs team besides the constant whining, flopping, and bitching; its predictability. Now don't get me wrong, the Spurs are a fantastic team- boasting a suffocating defense, mastermind coach, and one of the greatest centers of all time (he is not a power forward contrary to popular opinion). Unfortunately, their continued methodical, emotionless excellence has sucked the life out of a playoffs that began with so much promise and produced some of the lowest NBA finals ratings in league history. If David Stern doesn't act soon, the Spurs are going to take the NBA back to its irrelevant pre-MJ,Bird, Magic days and make Gary Bettman's duels with Mama and her family seem minor.

Below is just a sampling of how Tony, Manu, and the boys are sucking the life (and Nielsen ratings) out of the league:
1. Tim Duncan ends referee Joey Crawford's career, thus scaring the shit out of every other ref to make a controversial call when it counts.
2. Manu Ginobli successfully turning the NBA playoffs into the English Premier League with his combination of flailing, falling, and moaning (seriously, I think one of the refs gave Drew Gooden a red card in game 1).
3. Robert Horry's "shove heard round the world", robbing the Phoenix Suns and NBA fans of what should have been the best series in the playoffs and a game 7 for the ages.
4. San Antonio's small market status coupled with the lack of any intriguing story lines has Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy talking about Lebron James every 8 seconds.
5. The last time I checked, holding, pulling, nut-kneeing, and Achilles kicking are still fouls in the NBA rule book.
6. Tony Parker is French.
7. The Big Fundamental has the personality and of a lobotomized Tiger Woods (for god sakes Timmy this is entertainment after all!).

And while I can think of a thousand more reasons, this column is already too long, so I'll stop there. But I do have one last parting note for the current Commissioner: if your so called chosen one and savior of the league cant get viewers to care and save this ratings atrocity, then who will? The Spurs must be stopped Mr. Stern. After all, the NBA is a business, and business is not good. If you are as all-powerful and all-knowing as you convey yourself to be to the American public, I'm expecting a horse's head in Greg Poppovich's bed in mid-August, followed by Tim Duncan traded to the Big Apple for Jerome James, Malik Rose, and Renaldo Balkman's weave. Get it done commissioner.

2 comments:

Renaldo Balkman said...

That ain't no weave! It took me years to grow that 'do.

Rolando Blackman said...

Whoa, for a second I thought someone was talking about me. If I grow a weave can I get a reference in your next post?