Thursday, April 12, 2007

"The Game" Episode I

Today we will be starting a weekly feature, simply entitled "The Game". It has nothing to do with the inexplicably popular rapper, the wrestler with entirely too much influence on the booking of the WWE, or the curiously underrated Michael Douglas/Sean Penn vehicle of the same name.

"The Game" is a very simple concept. Two names are given. The two people will have achieved fame in different high profile fields; usually sports, music, or acting. SYHD bloggers will be asked to choose whose life they would prefer to live, from start to finish. Therefore age differences should not be taken into account. Panelists are asked to take all aspects of the candidates' lives into account. Therefore if you choose Laveraneus Coles, you have accepted many confusing nights of rectal violation in your formative years. If you choose Michael Strahan, you inherit a messy divorce and an unsightly gap in your teeth.

Projections on the future of the candidates is encouraged. For instance, being the dude that plays Sawyer on "Lost" must rule right now. However since he can't really act, once that show runs its course and his looks fade a bit, he will be hard-pressed to maintain a great career.

Without further ado, I present this week's "The Game" toss up: Eli Manning vs. Mario Lopez. Let the debate begin!

Mookie's Take:
Eli Manning:
Pros: Eli was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and had a very privileged upbringing. Because of his last name, he was probably very popular at every level of schooling through high school and got his pick of the litter when it came to chicks. He is also a very good athlete (Mr. Obvious says: obviously, he's a NFL starting QB) so his entire childhood through early adulthood must have been a cake walk. He was probably picked first in every schoolyard or neighborhood game and played automatic QB whenever he wanted to. I bet he had both Super Nintendo AND Genesis. In college he had a time only you and I could ever dream of. Do you think Eli Manning ever went home alone unless he wanted to? No eff'n way! He was the savior of the goddamn program. He did what his older brother didn't have the balls to do (Peyton, not the raging disappointment that is Cooper Manning) as he stepped into the shadow of his father, Ole Miss legend Archie Manning, in an attempt to lead the beleaguered football program back to prominence. And while the team was never great, Eli had a very good career and Ole Miss football experienced prosperity it had not witnessed in years. To cap it all off, he was drafted #1 overall in the NFL draft. Even if he doesn't have a great pro career (certainly a fair question) he assuredly has the cushy corporate job of his choice waiting for him at home. Now that's a great life.
Cons: Eli has constantly lived in the shadow of Peyton. Peyton's the superior football player and person. His timing is better on an intermediate out route and in a comedic sense. He didn't quite live up the exalted and albeit unrealistic expectations bestowed upon him at Ole Miss. He may end up being a rich man's Tim Couch, compared to his brother who may end up being viewed as the best QB of all time. He is also under intense media scrutiny playing in NY. Do you think he'd rather be in sunny laid-back San Diego after one of his patented 11-33, 201 yards, 1 TD, 3 Int performances? Would the Charger fans be booing him as lustily as Giants fans after he just threw another ten yard slant at his receiver's shoe laces? Also, he had a long term GF in college and is now engaged. Way to not take advantage of you BMOC (that's big man on campus, for the unenlightened) and starting NY QB status. It's the equivalent of being 6'11 and sucking at basketball. It's just a waste. Bottom line, is that he's had ridiculous expectations to live up to his whole life and if he does not meet those expectations he may ultimately be not satisfied and unhappy in life.

Mario Lopez
Pros: In Albert Clifford, he played one of the most memorable characters in TV sitcom history, and not in a bad way (see: Diamond, Dustin). Mario was a teen hunk, appearing numerous Tiger Beat covers. He has been able to forge a nice career for himself, making a more than comfortable living without having to do anything remotely difficult. He has been linked to numerous babes, including from former Mrs. America Ali Landry. He is famous to the point where he is often recognized, but not to the point where his privacy is constantly invaded. He had a nice run on Dancing with the Stars and is a finalist for the Price is Right host job after Bob Barker retires to his life-prolonging hyperberic chamber. If he lands that gig he is set for life both monetarily and in a female sense as he will have a constant stream of Barker's Beauties, co-ed's, and non ovulating elderly women willing to do what every it takes to spin that wheel. I know I mentioned this already, but he was freaking AC Slater! The guy pinned Nedick multiple times.
Cons: Zack Morris was clearly the most beloved character and Mark Paul was the bigger star of the two. When Dustin Diamond takes pot shots at you on the Saved by the Bell DVD commentary, you have to take a cold hard look in the mirror. He will forever be associated with Z. Cavaricci's. After Saved by the Bell he played Greg Louganis for a made for TV movie. If you're going to play a gay AIDS ridden Olympian it better be a role that gets you Oscar consideration, otherwise it's a waste. After that gig, he had a starring role on the much ridiculed Pacific Blue and later went on to co-host the male version of the View with Danny Bonaduce and Dick Clark. That show was just plain emasculating. They once devoted an entire segment to Teflon cookware. The details behind his broken engagement to Ali Landry were public fodder and quite embarrassing. If he doesn't get this Price is Right job, he will be probably end up hosting second rate game shows and carve out a career niche as a rich man's JD Roth.

The Final Tally: Eli Manning. It's just too hard to pass up being a starting QB... even one who starts for my hated Giants. If however, Lopez lands the vaunted Price is Right hosting gig, then all bets are off and I would have to go with AC.

Greg Ostertag Body Spray's Analysis:

Very simple. My answer is Mario Lopez. Eli Manning is an open-mouthed retard. I could not go through life constantly worrying if bees were going to fly into my lazy lipped mouth and sting my tounge. Also, Mario Lopez probably got to see Lark Voorhies naked, and you can't put a value on that kind of memory.

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