Thursday, April 12, 2007

The A-Rod Apologete Vol. II (Profile of the A-Rod Hater)

In Vol. II of The A-Rod Apologete, I will create a profile of the A-Rod hating Yankees fan. Who are these people and why do they detest him so?

The A-Rod hater is a crushing failure in life. Since he is so unsuccessful in his own life, he relies on Yankees' achievements to provide him with a sense of fulfillment. The Yankees have set the bar so high that anything short of a World Series Championship is unsatisfactory. When they do not win championships, the A-Rod Hater is unable to ever experience even a sense of vicarious accomplishment in his life. Rather than confront the inadequacies in his own life, he looks for a scapegoat. Enter A-Rod.

So we have established that the A-Rod Hater is searching for a scapegoat. But why must it be Rodriguez in particular? Some would argue that his postseason failures have been a microcosm of the Yankees recent postseason play. I'll admit that this is a factor. However, there is something far deeper going on. I believe Rodriguez is a constant reminder of the A-Rod Hater's own insignificance. He is a world-class athlete, is as handsome as the day is long, and seems to be a fairly intelligent guy. In sum, he is nearly perfect male specimen. (I swear that I'm straight).

While the A-Rod Hater languished on the bench of his JV baseball team, his neighbor (the A-Rod type) who was a year younger than him was a 3-sport superstar on the varsity level. Rodriguez represents the guy, that was boning the babe, that the A-Rod Hater was secretly, madly in love with throughout high school. The "4" that the A-Rod Hater eventually decided to settle for, closed her eyes and thought of a Rodriguez-type, as he awkwardly diddled about in her unkempt pubis. Since his life has not improved much from those tortured adolescent years, those old frustrations still manifest themselves in A-Rod hatred to this day.

Before you label me a snob, let me make one point clear. I know these failures. I am these failures. The only difference between the A-Rod Hater and me is that I have the ability to look myself in the mirror and place the responsibility for my lot in life on whom it belongs; My parents.

Expect Part III of The A-Rod Apologete to be posted some time this weekend. It will feature statistical analysis that will debunk the myth that A-Rod is not a good clutch/postseason hitter. Then I will try to rehabilitate my faltering reputation as a heterosexual, by writing an article that doesn't involve defending the honor of a dashing, athletic, multi-millionaire.


nocedog said...

Did Jim J. Bullock write this article? My, how the mighty have fallen since the days of "Too Close for Comfort" and Hollywood Squares (the Shadoe Stevens edition).

Billy said...

Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic growth hormone oral spray because it's safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.