Thursday, October 25, 2007

To Steal A Bit From Sports Illustrated

This Week's Sign that the Apocalypse is Upon Is:

Today's Newsday devoted an entire page of its sports section to a High School Field Hockey Insider article.

For those who don't know, Newsday is not some podunk rag whose sports section is entirely made up of one downtrodden, overweight, middle aged man who wears a fanny pack and a hat that says "Press" and who may or may not be named A. Anthony Miller. No, Newsday has the largest circulation on Long Island, which is pretty impressive because Long Island is densely populated (unfortunately). So in the midst of the World Series, Jets and Giants Football, the upcoming NBA season, and impending Yankee managerial decision, they decide to devote several hundred words to girls' field hockey- a more boring, less athletic and exciting version of real hockey (which is really saying something). And the article is not just any article, it's the INSIDER! I can't believe they got those Belichick-esque tight-lipped field hockey coaches to reveal such classified information. Oh wait it's just a puff piece? Why the hell call it INSIDER then? Seriously, stop patronizing your readership. No one cares about field hockey except for maybe the couple of hundred girls that play field hockey and their parents. And I'm sure the parents don't even care that much, nor do the fat girls that are only on the roster because there are no cuts and their parents made them do something active. So only a small percentage of people actually closely involved in field hockey probably care enough about the sport to read the article. Normally I'm all for conspicuous consumption, but did a tree really have to die for this? What "sport" is next week's Insider going to cover? Men's gymnastics? Colorguard? Whitman 5th period gym European Handball?

But because Wallace Matthews penned an article today, the Field Hockey Insider was only the second most unreadable article in the sports section.


Wallace Matthews said...

Why do you hate me so?

Mookie said...

Because you're a hack.

Wallace Matthews said...

Hack?! Hack?! I've worked for the NY POST, ESPN, SPORTSCHANNEL, SHOWTIME,and NBC! What have you done?!!!!!!!

P.S. I was also an amatuer boxer and I do 75 pushups, 100 situps, and 10 pullups in just over an hour.....every other day!!! So you better hope I never see you in the street cause I'll pound your cunty litte behind in to the ground, hack!

Mookie said...

Don't forget about the Daily News. Please search for yourself on this site and on Fire Joe Morgan so you can see where I'm coming from.

You my friend, stink!

Tremont said...

Gym class European handball was intense.