Lupic-on Somone Your Own Size

Apparently New York Daily News writer/Sports Reporters panelist Mike Lupica is a real jerk. He's been responsible for several talented writers leaving the Daily News and more or less gave Jason Whitlock the boot off of the aforementioned Sports Reporters. Now Lupica's selfishness has essentially alienated DN sports columnist writer Lisa Olson. Now, at first I agreed with former Patriots Victor Kiam, that Olson was a was a real rabblerouser and a "classic bitch" for trying to get interviews in a NFL locker room. In recent years though, Olson has shown herself to be a capable little writer. That sentence was purposefully condescending, but she is readable, which is saying a lot for a sports journalist.

Our three New York readers might agree with this- Lupica's time at Newsday resembled Ric Flair's first run in the WWF. Lupica had been a long time stallwart and featured columnist at the News. Newsday brought him in, promoted him heavily, and annointed him their featured columnist as well. But the two were never really a great fit and after about two years, Lupica left Newsday to return to the news.

Johan Link Dump

From Keith Law of ESPN.com (he's a must read)

Baseball Prospectus' Nate Silver has a quick take.

Baseball America doesn't really like any of the prospects the Twins received.

Almost Amusing Anecdote From Today

I was at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square today for a work conference when I first got word about the Santana trade. SYHD contributor Nocedog texted me as soon as the story broke around 4pm today. I briskly walked out of the conference room to call Noce for more details. As I walked out the door, to my surprise I saw the NY Mets longtime PR man Jay Horowitz walking around the conference floor lobby. Apparently he was there for some MLB charity fundraiser.

"Did the Mets get Johan?!" I excitedly yelled to Horowitz who was about 8 feet from me at the time.

Horowitz looked up at me, gave a terse "no comment", and immediately re-entered the conference room from whence he came.

What are the odds that I would run into the Mets PR guy just minutes after word of the Santana trade broke? I guess 50/50- it either happens or it doesn't.

Later on in the day I had the pleasure of meeting Daryl Strawberry, who was also attending this fundraiser. I shook his hand and we exchanged pleasantries, right before several media outlets crowded him to get some react quotes about the Santana acquisition.

Pretty awesome day.

Wow

I agree with Tremont's take on this trade 100%. Omar Minaya absolutely fleeced the shit out of Twins' GM Bill Smith. The Mets just acquired the best pitcher in baseball, in his prime, for a bunch of prospects from a low ranked farm system AND didn't even have to give up their best prospect, Fernando Martinez. This deal is akin to the Red Sox trading for Pedro in his prime (though there are eerie similarities to the Frank Viola trade). Johan is going to run through the National League like a White Castle Ten Sack runs through my intestines. Shea is a pitchers park and depresses home runs for the first few months of the season. I would surprise if Santana has an ERA under two at by the beginning of June.

Here are some more quick thoughts on the move:

-The Mets now have the best rotation in baseball and have to be considered the favorites in the NL.

-This acquisition goes a long way to remove the awful taste in the mouths of fans resulting from last year's collapse.

-Both Humber and Mulvey would kill to have the career of the white Bobby Jones. Guerra is a crapshoot. Projecting young pitchers is incredibly difficult. He might be good one day, but his pedestrian K/9 ratio in A ball never really excited me. I don't see the 30hr potential in Gomez that some scouts were touting. He never put up power numbers in the minors, has poor strike zone recognition, and has a loopy swing with a lot of holes. No big loss.

-Johan neutralizes the Phillies two top bats, Howard and Utley, and hopefully those asshole Phillies fans are shitting themselves right now.

-The Mets now have a starter who can pitch deep into games, thus alleviating bullpen's workload. Not having a pitcher who could get through 5 or 6 innings absolutely killed the Mets down the stretch last season as the bullpen was completely worn thin.

-The Mets essentially replaced Glavine with Pedro and added Santana. Not too shabby.

-Is it too early to start dreaming about signing Mark Teixeira next offseason?

-If the Mets don't sign Santana to an extension, I would seriously have to think about giving up on the Mets once and for all.

-With apologies to Keith Hernandez and Gary Carter, this will go down as the best trade in the history of the franchise.

Hot Tranny Action (The Johan Edition)

Twins trade Johan Santana to the Mets for Carlos Gomez, Deolis Guerra, Kevin Mulvey, and Phil Humber.-Nothing will re-energize a disenfranchised fan base more than acquiring the best pitcher in the world. The Mets have once again established themselves as the team to beat in the National League. I have been one of Omar Minaya's most vocal and least relevant critics for a while, but he deserves major props for getting this deal done. I honestly didn't think the Mets had a prayer of putting together enough of a package to score Johan. Omar kept his hat in the ring on the off chance the Santana market would collapse. His persistence paid off. This could be Minaya's crowning achievement.

On the other hand, the Twins GM and legendary Islanders' goaltender Bill Smith surrendered the most desired property in the sport, without acquiring a single can't-miss prospect. Despite the fact that scouts fantasize about their tools like Judge Reinhold fantasized about Phoebe Cates, Carlos Gomez and Deolis Guerra have never dominated at any level in the minor leagues. Kevin Mulvey and Phil Humber are the types of prospects who can only dream of becoming the next generation Steve Trachsel; a halfway decent pitcher for decade or so.

Both the Yanks and Sox had made better offers for Santana two months ago. But Bill Smith is the guy who blows off the 8 at the bar, because he's hoping to pick up a supermodel. The supermodel wants no part of him, the 8 takes off, and he goes home with complete pig.

Mookie if you don't post about this tonight, just kill yourself.

That Was a Tarot-ble Idea

Twas 2:30 am on a Saturday night. My buddy, McDud, and I had just gotten back to Alphabet City after straight dominating the Lower East Side (me sitting at a table by myself texting random people). My night to that point had consisted watching spirited jousting at Medieval Times, catching a cool band called The Howlies down at Pianos, and then going to some bar, of which I don't recall the name, down at the foot of the Williamsburg Bridge.

As McDud and I went to get a sixer of tall boys and chips to finish off the night in style, we walked by a Fortune Teller. The light was still on, so I ventured inside. I had never gone to see a psychic before, and here I was drunk and with a fresh paycheck in my wallet- serendipity at it best. The fortune teller, who was mildly attractive for a gypsy, came to the door and let me in. I'm pretty sure I tried hitting on her, but alas, in my pastey and slurring state, I was unsuccessful at wooing the young witch.

I was initially just going to get my palm read, but seeing that I was an easy mark, she assured me that a tarot card reading was much more accurate, and coincidentally more expensive. I quickly agreed to pony up a Andrew Jackson and away we go.

After dealing the cards and taking a long look at the outcome, the first thing to come out of her mouth is, "You give off a lot of negative energy." I instantly quipped sarcastically, "No shit Sherlock" and walked out of the place with my dignity and wallet still intact.

Well I wish that's the way it went. In actuality, I stuck around for the rest of the reading and paid an extra five bucks to get my palm read just so that I could feel the touch of a woman.

As I was walking out I asked her who was going to win the Superbowl. Surprisingly she told me that the Pats were going to win. She even gave me the exact score, which I will not share with anyone else because I don't want the betting line to shift. I politely thanked her and went on my way. (I actually made this last paragraph up just so I could tie this story to sports in some way.)

SYHD: Your Source for Hot Tranny Action

Before I get to the fun stuff, I have a point far more important than any other that has ever been made on this site. If you found this post by Google searching "hot tranny action", do yourself a favor and check out Revelation 16. Do you really wanna be on the business end of that shit storm? Repent!

Now to the MLB transactions. The last couple of weeks have been highlighted by clubs wisely following the John Hart template and locking up youngsters through their twenties. Teams rarely live to regret such decision. Apologies in advance for the redundant praise heaped on these deals.

• Yankees sign Robinson Cano for 4 years $30 million, with club options that could take the package to 6 years $56 million: The Yankees locked up the odds on favorite to be the best second baseman of the next six years for less than $10 million per year. This pleases me to no end.
• Rockies sign Troy Tulowitski for 6 years $31 million and Matt Holliday for 2 years and $23 million. Like Cano, Tulo isn't a bad bet to be the best shortstop in baseball for the life of this contract. Sure the Rockies could have paid him a half million for the next 2 years, but to what end? If he progresses like everyone thinks he will, they would might have had to pay twice that in arbitration/free agency. Matt Holliday is good player who appears great in Coors Field, which is infested with invisible ball-carrying fairies. (Science was always my weakest subject). Thus he is a strong candidate to be overrated. However, this contract represents a fair valuation of his skills.
• D-Rays sign Carlos Pena to a 3 year deal worth $24 million. I don't expect Pena to ever reproduce his 2007 season, but he won't have to in order to justify this contract. He has always had one of the sweetest swings in the game. This is why his lack of production was a complete mystery for so many years. Perhaps this problem has been solved and he is on a late blooming David Ortiz-type career path. Even if he isn't the next Big Papi, he should be more than an adequate first baseman for the next three years.
• White Sox sign Octavio Dotel for 2 years $11 million. Pretend for a moment that I am a White Sox fan and I have been on a fruitless robbery spree in Texas with my best friend, and White Sox GM, Ken Williams. This would be my conversation with him after the Dotel signing...

Tremont: "You don't give $11 million to a middle reliever who hasn't pitched more than 30 innings since 2004! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That I don't forgive! What were you thinking?"

Williams: Don't call him a middle reliever.

Tremont: That's what he is.

Williams: Don't call him a middle reliever! His name is Octavio.

Tremont: And my name is Tremont. So what?

Shortly after this exchange I would jab him in the nose with a screwdriver.

(If that dialogue made no sense to you, don't continue to be a jerk. Watch "Bottle Rocket". Right after you finish reading Revelations.)

Turning on Jesus

A must have for the Priest in your life.

SYHD Movie Review: Rambo

It was fucking awesome!!! Rambo rips the throat right out of a dude. And does other badass stuff. Go see it.

Funniest Thing I've Heard in a While

Though many of you have probably already listened to this, some people hacked into the weekly Big East conference call and hilarity ensues. The dejection that can be heard in the moderator's voice is as funny if not funnier than the prank calls themselves. Listen to it here.

(Hat tip to The Big Lead)

From the Uncool Nickname Department...

During the Nets-Warriors highlights this morning, venerable Sportscenter anchor Steve Levy referred to Richard Jefferson as "RJeff". Not only are the first letter of the first name and first syllable of the last name nicknames ridiculously played out and unimaginative, but RJeff just sounds miserable. It's awkward to say and has no flow to it. Back to the drawing board Steve-o. Personally, I think he should be called Dick Jefferson considering that's what he likes in his mouth and in his ass.

Want to Work for the Worldwide Leader?

As a public service to anyone who currently works for, or is thinking of applying to that little Bristol-based network, I thought it would be appropriate at this time to recap what is/is not acceptable behavior for keeping ones job intact.

Sending around pictures of your penis like they are an office Christmas card: acceptable.

Trying to spark a debate about the media's possible bias towards black quarterbacks: unacceptable.

Getting completely and utterly shitfaced at a company roast and insulting the savior of over 1/3 of the world's population: acceptable.

Hugging an intern: unacceptable.


Booyah indeed.

Stop the Presses?

The Florida Gators have been running an exorbitant amount of full court presses this season? They ran it exclusively after every made basket in their game against South Carolina on Wednesday night. The Gators created a lot of turnovers off the press, but it also led to a shitload of open looks from the outside or easy layups. This got me wondering whether the full court press is a complete wash, or even detrimental to a team when used throughout a game. In its entirety does the press create more turnovers or lead to more easy baskets?



Obviously, when the pressor has a clear athletic advantage and the presees lack enough capable Greg Louganises (ball handlers) to break it effectively, then the press will create more points than it will give up and is a sound strategy. But where teams are evenly matched, will the press hurt or help the team applying it (assuming that the team runs it soundly)? Is the press generally less effective in the early stages of the game, but then wears an opposing team down in the second half much like a big running back wears down a defense in the fourth quarter?



The biggest indictment of the press is that it's never used in the pros. To analogize it to football once again, the press is like the option offense. It can be dangerous at the college level, but in the professional ranks, the athletes are too fast, athletic, and skilled for it to work on a regular basis. Or maybe teams simply don't practice the defense enough and are not committed to making it work. While the offensive talent is superior to college, aren't there more athletic defenders in the pros as well? Shouldn't the one just cancel the other out, and with all things being relative, the press should be just as effective in the pros as it is in college. But that comes back to the question posed at the beginning of this rambling post, is the press a benefit or a detriment to the team imposing it?

I'm going to try to pose this question to the fine researchers over at http://www.basketballprosectus.com/ since they have the time, capability, and intelligence figure this out. Plus they'll get paid to do it. Lucky shits.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Warrior is not
A big fan of gay movies
Sorry Heath Ledger

Warrior thinks Ledger death is good for kids.

Shame on you America! Shame! Shame!

When was it decided that Maria Sharapova was the sex figure of this generation? Has anyone taken a look at this woman? Sure, I will give you that there is a fetish like attractiveness to her size and grunting ability. But that midget in Total Recall was kind of intriguing too. Sharapova's WTA specs list her as 6'2'' and 130lbs. I would bet my life that she is not a pound under 160. This monster is supposed to be the heir apparent to Anna Kournikova? I really think people are forgetting how ridiculously hot Anna Kournikova was. She was a once in a lifetime looker. To mention Sharapova and her Zach Thomas-like shoulders in the same sentence with Kournikova is an insult. AN INSULT I TELL YOU!!! Sharapova does not have lips for god's sake!! And don't give me this crap about how Sharapova is sexier because she actually wins tennis tournaments. Who cares? Lindsay Davenport wins tennis tournaments, but I don't fantasize about bedding her.

*I urge all of you to watch the Australian Open finals and tell me that Sharapova is even in the same league as Ana Ivanovic, let alone Kournikova. This Sharapova stuff is a travesty. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!*

Cowboys Lose on Failure to Hold

The 2006 season ended infamously for the Dallas Cowboys because Tony Romo failed to hold successfully during a game winning FG attempt. The 2007 season ended less obviously because Wade Phillips failed to instruct his team to hold N.Y. Giants wide receivers at the end of the first half.

Here is the situation. With 1:01 to go in the first half of the divisional playoff game between the Cowboys and Giants, Marion Barber scores on a 1 yard touchdown run to put the Cowboys up 14-7. At this point in the game Dallas seemed pretty much in control. To everyone's surprise however, Eli Manning leads the Giants down the field, all the way to the Cowboys 4 yard line with 11 seconds remaining in the half. If the Cowboys can hold the Giants to a field goal here, they will keep the momentum and probably win the game. They fail to do so though, as Manning throws a 4 yard touchdown pass to Amani Toomer.

Here is my question. Why wouldn't Wade Phillips tell his defensive backs to deliberately hold the Giants wide receivers and prevent them from getting off the line of scrimmage? The worst that happens is you get a half the distance to the goal line penalty and you waste 5 seconds. Now you only have 6 seconds remaining in the half and the Giants are forced to make the tough decision of whether or not they have time to run another play and then kick a field goal if it is unsuccessful. If the Giants decide to run another play, then the Cowboys can just hold again, and the Giants will almost certainly be forced to kick a field goal on the last play of the half.

Why does no team ever do this? What is the point of playing straight up defense at this point of the game? Similarly, shouldn't a defense always do this if they are protecting a lead at the end of a game and the other team has the ball on their own side of mid field? Wouldn't you rather give up 5 yards and burn time off the clock, then risk the chance of a long pass?

Anyway, Wade Phillips failed to employ this maneuver, and it may be the biggest playoff blunder that nobody will ever hear about.

Nobody F**ks with the Jesus!

As a Catholic and a human being, I am personally appalled by Dana Jacobson's outrageous "F**k Jesus" joke at the Mike and Mike roast. We must be tolerant of each other's religions. If anyone should realize that it should be a good-for-nothing dreidle spinner.

But seriously, folks. I rarely defend my own religion (primarily because I don't believe a single word of it), but can you imagine if Jacobson said "F**k Mohammed" instead of Jesus? Thousands of Muslims would make it their life's work to help her lose ten ugly pounds.

P.S. I feared that some of you Philistines wouldn't understand my last sentence. It is a reference to the old joke "You wanna lose ten ugly pounds? Cut off your head." Combine the fact that Dana Jacobson's jaw is the envy of Evander Holyfield and that all Muslims behead at the slightest insult and you have a finely crafted joke.

P. P. S. Did I overexplain? God damn it. I'm always doing that. I don't know why I always feel the need to sit here in my ivory tower, atop my high horse, each of his legs on a soapbox and act like I'm so superior. I should respect you, the SYHD reader, far more.

P. P. P. S. Naaaaaah. Being that I personally know most of my readers, my feelings of superiority are well-founded. By and large you're dullards. I run no risk of overexplaining the most basic knock-knock joke for many of you.

Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes

I can't believe the autistics that run the NFL are actually allowing the two Redskins Pro Bowlers to honor Sean Taylor by wearing his #21. I would have guessed that the mere thought of such a drastic change would have sent Roger Goodell into a conniption like "Rain Man". He better have his stooges measure the width of the players wrist bands at the Super Bowl to save his rep. Nobody wants a damn hippie for commish.

Speaking of autistics running major sports organizations, just this once I wish the NCAA would allow for just a shred of nuance. O.J. Mayo accepted a couple of tickets to a basketball game from Carmelo Anthony. The NCAA lets coaches, who are under contract, bounce around from university to university with impunity. But God forbid somebody picks up the check at IHOP for a student athlete. It's so wrong.

Bi-Annual Wrestling Haiku

If you don't support
Free market principles, Kane
will powerbomb you.


Kane endorses Paul

Ana, Ivanovic You All Night Long

I enjoyed this video of rising tennis star Ana Ivanovic. Not only is Ivanovic extremely nice too look at, but the Serbian house music is oddly intoxicating.

On a creepier note, I developed an unhealthy obsession with Ms. Ivanovic sometime last year. I had a completely fantastical construction of every aspect of her life. Now that she is becoming somewhat famous, I am worried that fantasy Ivanovic will be mercilessly stripped from me with stories on TMZ about her doing cocaine with Frankie Muniz or something. If this happens I may have to kidnap her and keep her in a big jar in my basement.

Buzzer Beater

I know you don't want to get a cheap foul, but perhaps the coach of the losing team should have thought about telling a couple of tall dudes to just stand in the way of the full court chucker instead of having a meet and greet at half court.

TheBigLead

There is Violence in Rambo?

Keeping with the pattern of death that has plagued our morbid blog recently, here is a statistical breakdown on the amount of killings in the four Rambo films. I found it especially interesting that Rambo was shot at in 38 separate sequences in Rambo III and managed to avoid death on all 38 occasions. Also worth noting, there is a death every three minutes in the new Rambo movie. Suffice to say, I will be at the movies Friday night.

Get Your Ledger Puns Here! Fresh Ledger Puns!

-If he really wanted to commit suicide that badly he should've just jumped off the ledge-er. (Hat tip to Greg Ostertag)

-I guess Ledger wasn't in good mental heath afterall.

-I guess Heath is an expatriot in more ways than one now. (Hat tip to Downright Nashty)

-Supposedly a suicide note was found in the apartment. It was handwritten by Ledger to his wife, Michelle Williams, and was entitled "10 Things I Hate About You."

Comment of the Day

Please check out this Deadspin post and then read the first comment on it. This made me lol so loud that my father came into the room to see what so funny. Unfortunately, he does not appreciate such edgy humor and shook his head in disgust as he exited stage left.

A Non-Partisan Fan's Guide on Who to Root For in the Super Bowl

This guy is really bugging the piss out of me. It would be nice to see men of this age in South Beach go back to the customary Geritol and warm milk in lieu of champagne.




On second thought, this guy is a huge douchebag. Is he holding a goddamn goat? God I hate Tom Brady.




















On third thought, how can one possibly route for this guy? He might as well be licking something else white and creamy in this ill-conceived spot with his ad-whore sibling.



So here's my recommendation for the non-partisan fan and what I will be rooting for prior to Super Sunday. Two plane crashes. Its a win-win-win situation. Patriots remain undefeated-no more pictures of pretty boy signal callers cradling farm animals -and no more bizarre advertisements of Manning brothers licking random objects. Who's with me?

NFL Rules Question

The Ostertag family has long had a debate about the two feet inbounds for a reception rule in the NFL. What happens if a wide receiver catches a pass in the middle of the endzone standing on one leg and never moves? He just stands there like a statue on one leg for eternity. Is it ever a catch?

Moreover, is the rule that you must have two feet down inbounds or just all of your available feet? Specifically, what if there were a one legged wide receiver? Would he ever be able to successfully catch a pass in the NFL? If not, wouldn't that violate the Americans With Disabilities Act?

If not, and the rule was that each receiver had to get all of his feet inbounds, thus allowing for a one legged fella to catch a pass, would Greg Olsen then have to get all three of his legs down? I don't think the FCC would approve of that.

What Martin Luther King Day Means to Politicians

For one it means falling asleep during a speech.



For another it means referencing a song by black guys that only white guys liked....8 years ago.

Eight Overrated Ladies of the 80s (#1): The Chinese Democracy of Posts

Three months after I began this awful countdown, it reaches its merciful conclusion. I really know how to write a column, huh? Build a modest amount of interest, wait until everyone has forgotten about it, then return with a lackluster post. Better never than late.

1) Daryl Hannah- No woman has ever better fit the phrase "looks good from far, but far from good". Tall, blonde, with a super model figure, Daryl Hannah has the shell of truly gorgeous woman. I guess that is enough for most to find her attractive. However something is seriously amiss with this would-be beauty.

It's tough to perfectly pinpoint what it is about her face that I find so unappealing. She just vaguely gives off the vibe that she was slapped together in a "Weird Science" type experiment, but something went slightly wrong. Her sunken features give her the appearance of the re-animated corpse of a gorgeous woman who past away just long enough to start decomposing. Like Mr. Bentley on "The Jeffersons", her head is too long, making her look like the world's shortest sufferer of giantism.

Frustration with her deceiving ugliness led Jackson Browne to physically abuse Daryl Hannah during their relationship. I can't blame him. JFK Jr. went so far as to crash his plane to escape the haunting images of her grotesque face.

And this is how this series ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Elizabeth Isn't the Only Chatty Cathy in the Family

A few minutes ago Tim Hasselbeck was a guest on the Daily News Live on SNY. Hasselbeck made the case that not having Shockey on the field has helped Eli Manning immeasurably. He said that it has allowed Manning to make the proper read without getting chewed out in the huddle by a pouty Shockey. Shockey, Hasselbeck said, becomes a major distraction if he doesn't get the ball early and often. When asked whether the Giants should bring Shockey back, Hasselbeck hinted that perhaps they should not.

Now of course this is just one man's opinion, but it is a rather informed one. Hasselbeck was Eli's friend and backup until this year. As such he has insight on the dynamics of the Giants.

Third Tynes a Charm for Giants Kicker

-I'll put money on the fact that the above headline makes an appearance in tomorrow's NY Post.

-So now I have to root for the Pats in the Superbowl? Yuck.

-At least this gives the world one more chance to see Eli Manning throw a crippling interception or two (if we're lucky).

Gallo's Humor?

In an article entitled "What Announcers Are Really Saying", ESPN Page 2 scribe, DJ Gallo, wrote the following:

"Some people say Rodney Harrison is a dirty player."
"Most people say Rodney Harrison is a complete @#%$!*. But some just say he is dirty."

DJ Gallo uses a six letter expletive here. Hmmm....Johnny Dakota (who alerted me to this story) and I sent a couple emails back and forth trying to figure out what six letter word Gallo was alluding to. Asshat? Nah. Dickmo? Probably not. Fucker? That's a possibility. The N word? I really don't want to go there, but in the context of the statement, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck....

I honestly think Gallo just randomly typed six symbols without a particular word in mind, the way it came out just doesn't look good.

(Great find by Johnny Dakota)

The Intruder was Carrying a Bat?

Here is a pretty interesting story about a man suing the Empire State Building because security would not let him jump off the building. More entertaining than the story however, is the poor sentence structure of first headline at the bottom of the page. Just scroll down and read under the heading "More From Today."

What the Fungus?

I know this video is well over a year old, but I feel it is my duty as a human being to attempt to keep it in the collective conscious of society. I seriously don't think a day has gone by in the last 14 months that I haven't thought about this guy. I just want to hang out with him sometime is all I am saying. I mean, I just think we would get along pretty well and maybe become friends or something.

Sports Guy Doesn't Know his Soft Rock

I feel extremely pathetic on several levels for posting about this, but I thought it is something our readers (i.e. Jimer) should know about. Yesterday, around 3:00 in the afternoon I saw that Bill Simmons had a new column up on ESPN page 2, so I began to read it. It was a fairly pedestrian Simmons article comparing the 2007 Patriots to the 1986 Celtics. Only two paragraphs into the piece I noticed this line, "In the words of Peter Cetera, I can't fight this feeling anymore." Anyone who is familiar with the incredible work of REO Speedwagon immediately knows this is an awful error. Peter Cetera obviously is the lead singer of Chicago, and Chicago simply did not rock hard enough to even reach the soft rock genre that REO Speedwagon championed while composing hits such as "Can't Fight this Feeling."

Anyway, immdediately upon discovering the error I, and presumably thousands of other pathetic losers, sent a message to Simmons alerting him of his mistake. Minutes later "Peter Cetera" was taken out of the article and replaced with "REO Speedwagon." While I felt some form of accomplishment for righting an unforgivable wrong, I was troubled by the fact that Simmons would simply replace words in an already published article without striking through or at least mentioning the error. I am pretty sure that this is not the typical protocol for internet bloggers. We should know. Here at SYHD, we are the pinnacle of blogging intergrity.

You're Going to Like The Packers or Else....

When a Wisconsin man's son refused to don a Packers jersey for the Packers-Seahwaks playoff game, the father did the only logical thing...he restrained his son and taped the jersey on him. Since my son will inevitably disappoint me as well, I have to say that I feel a lot of sympathy towards this man. If my son (any daughter goes right into the dumpster) refuses to support the teams I root for, a taped on Don Majkowski jersey will be the least of his worries.

Did They Pay Him in Fresh Mozarella?

Looks like the originator of the Staten Island Garbageball, John Franco, will be participating on this season's Pros vs. Joes, even though Franco wasn't much of a pro his last few seasons. Hilarity ensues at the 28 second mark when Franco makes a mad dash towards the cameraman who obviously must have just bathed in garlic and oil. Mama mia!

Keep an eye out at the very beginning of the clip for former Knick shooting guard Allan Houston. Obviously his challenge won't be playing defense.

(Sorry for the advertisement after the clip, but that's how it embedded.)

Pros vs. Joes - Season 3 - Promo 3

Posted Dec 10, 2007

64 Joes will compete to be the "Last Joe Standing!"

My Least Favorite Player in the NBA

My least favorite player in the NBA is Josh Boone of the NJ Nets for no reason other than I can't stand looking at him.

Ghosts Stink

I don't have any respect for ghosts. They are easily the dullest of mankind's superstitions. Freed from time and monetary restrictions, they chose to spend eternity lingering around their childhood homes or the place of their death. If I were a ghost I would be jet-setting around the world, doing all the stuff that my limited resources wouldn't permit me to do in life. Next time you are confronted by an apparition, let him know that you refuse to allow yourself to be afraid of such a crushing bore.

I wish it weren't so, but (Vol. II)

I'll never say "This town isn't big enough for the both of us" and mean it.

Pacman Strikes Again

We're at the point where getting attacked by Pacman Jones is just one of the hazards of going to a strip club. If your choose to attend such an establishment, you know you run the risk of

• your lady friend noticing the body glitter on your clothes
• spending money you don't have
• a chafed bozack
• accepting a lap dance from a 40 year old from the Eastern Bloc, with implants that make her nipples look like Curtis Martin's eyes, out of pity.
• getting beaten and/or murdered by Pacman and his crew.

If any of these things happen to you, suck it up. You knew the deal going in. Nobody wants to hear you whine about it.

I wish it weren't so, but

Since there are ladies reading I'll put it politely. I have undoubtedly already experienced more than half of the climaxes that I will in my lifetime. When I consider that I probably averaged 1.5 such experiences per day from the ages of 14 through 19, 1 per day from 20 through 25 years of age, and probably about .75 per day from 26 through 28 and a half, I estimate that I have had 6,059 of them. Even if I continued at my current pace until I'm 50 (not going to happen), my future climaxes will still fall more than 400 short of that number. I probably can't expect to tally more than 400 after I turn 50, as I will probably either be single and terribly out of shape or have a wife who has become repugnant.

What if?

-What if you became a sportswriter next year? The Dallas Cowboys go 10-6 and earn a wild card spot in the playoffs. All ten of their wins came on game winning field goals of over 55 yards by Nick Folk. One of the game winning kicks measures 71 yards. Other than the 10 game winning kicks he has an average season, making a total of 19 out of 26 field goals. Would you vote for him for MVP?

-What if you became the next coach of the Miami Dolphins? Prior to the season Jason Taylor told you that he guarantees he will have 45 total sacks during the year. You know that this is going to be true. The only way it could happen though is if you let Taylor be your punter. He has to make every punt for the Dolphins. He is a fairly poor punter. He will average around 28 yards per punt. If you do not let him punt he will just have a typical Jason Taylor season at defensive end. Do you let him become the punter?

-What if you became GM of an NFL expansion team? There is a quarterback in the draft who only you know about. He is an unbelievable talent. You know for sure that if you draft him he will lead your team to a perfect 16-0 regualr season. There is no doubt about it. Unfortunately, he practices an extreme religion that prevents him from playing football in January or February. You will have to let a different quarterback lead your team in the playoffs. Do you draft him?

A Shred of Dignity

The Rich Rodriguez saga simply will not end in West Virginia. The Charleston Gazette reported today that prior to Fraudriguez's departing for Michigan, he and one of his assistant coaches took all of the files on their current players and recruits and destroyed them in a paper shredder. The assistant coach in question is University of Michigan's new video coordinator Dusty Rutledge, who amazingly looks a lot like Dusty Rhodes (actually, he looks like Dusty Rhodes and Philip Seymour Hoffman had a kid, then fed the kid for 30 straight years until he weighed 450 pounds). Anyway, there were apparently some witnesses who saw the less than discreet Rutledge shredding the documents. Rodriguez never was any good at disguising his plays.

Movie Pitch #1

The screenwriters strike has lasted long enough. I am more than willing to be a scab, as the writers' plight is not exactly comparable to turn of the century coal miners. Here is my first pitch to Hollywood.

Zac Efron and Sean Connery are college roomates at an undisclosed state university in the Northeast. Large deposits of gold are found in the hills near San Francisco, prompting a new California gold rush. Tempted by the promise of fortune, Sean and Zac drop out of school and fly out to the west coast on the back of a birdman played by Michael Clarke Duncan. On their journey Duncan delivers the type of homespun words of caution about the trappings of wealth that only 50+ year old black people can offer. Foolishly Connery and Efron ignore him and become rich beyond their wildest dreams. They allow a gold digging woman, (played by Kate Beckinsale) to get in between them. They lose both their fortune and and their friendship.

I don't have a working title for the screenplay yet. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

Push Comes to Worst

The results of the divisional playoff round were a worst case scenario for me. I hate the Patriots, so naturally I wanted Jacksonville to beat them. Since the Jags couldn't pull it off, I was rooting for the Colts to advance and give the Pats a better game than the Chargers can.

Since I have seen enough nauseating adulation for Brett Favre to last a sequoia a lifetime, I wanted the Seahawks to win. And I would prefer a week of waterboarding to listening to 3 time SYHD contributor Nocedog crow about the Giants.

Not a good weekend for Ol' Tremont.

Quality Quarterback Play

To those that said that there are not good quarterbacks, how was the QB play this weekend?

MLB Transactions

The NFL just completed a stellar weekend of action. Hence another post on MLB transactions.

• Blue Jays trade 3B Troy Glaus to the Cardinals for 3B Scott Rolen. A year and half ago this would have been a blockbuster. Not anymore. While Glaus and Rolen are only 31 and 32 years old respectively, they are aging like factory workers in Springsteen songs. Neither is likely to be remain big league starter through 2010. Perhaps a change of scenery with benefit both men (Rolen getting away from LaRussa and Glaus getting off the turf and into a weaker). In that sense the trade appears to be a worthwhile gamble for both clubs.
• Brewers sign OF Mike Cameron to a 1 year deal worth $7 million. Mike Cameron is chronically underrated because people focus more on his weaknesses (striking out a lot, low batting averages) than his strengths (defense, relatively good power, patience). Kudos to Brewers GM Doug Melvin for looking past your daddy's favorite stats and getting 75% of the production of Torii Hunter for less than 10% of the price.
• A's trade OF Mark Kotsay and $5 million to the Braves for RHP Joey Devine. 32 year old Kotsay is following the same career arc as Glaus and Rolen. Unlike those men, Kotsay is declining precipitiously from mediocrity instead of stardom. Next year he will be somebody's non-roster invitee. Kotsay might not be the world's worst stopgap, but the Braves should really have thrown some money at Mike Cameron. Joey Devine still has some upside, with a 1st round pedigree and some nice minor league numbers. He has flopped at the big league level so far, but Beane picked up a decent little chip for a player who is of no value to the A's.
• Keeping with the premature aging theme, the Rockies signed Marcus Giles to a minor league contract. He has gone from a star to a complete has-been by his 29th birthday. That simply doesn't happen to position players. There isn't a more suspicious former steroid user in baseball.

Just a Thought

Would Obama be a shoe-in for the presidency if he ended every speech with, "IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLALALALA...what Barack...is cooking" and then proceeded to thrown down the microphone down in a display of faux-disgust.

Hail to the Chiefs pt. 2

Since Mookie's previous post comparing Presidential candidates to vaious sports figures has become the biggest internet phenomenon since tubgirl (we got two comments on it, which is pretty huge for us. Granted both comments were made by SYHD contributors.), I have decided to expand upon the previous list to include some of the remaining candidates.

Before I get to my list, I have three comments on Mookie's list. First, the Clinton/Manning comparison is terrific. Second, if you are going to choose a half... decent NFL head coach to compare Obama to, I would have went with Tony Dungy. Both have the ability to gain the respect and admiration of their opponents. And both, unlike Edwards, seem relatively competent. Finally, I have a small disagreement with the McCain/Wallace comparison. I agree with the comparison in principle, but disagree with the assertion that McCain has began to toe the Republican party line. He may be framing certain issues differently to gain a nomination, but his recent stances on immigration and environmental issues are certainly not winning him any points with staunch conservatives. Nonetheless, here are my selections.

John Edwards/Anthony Smith

John Edwards famously promised at the 2004 Democratic Convention to make Christopher Reeve walk again. Anthony Smith infamously guaranteed a Steeler vicotry over the Patriots. Christopher Reeve is now dead and the Patriots murdered the Steelers throwing numerous touchdowns over Anthony Smith's head.

Fred Thompson/Reggie Bush

Both entered their respective fields with high expectations. Neither have delivered. Both have been rumored to have many a sexual tryst with various Hollywood poon.

Mitt Romney/Alex Rodriguez

Both seem nauseatingly stereotypical. Both seem to try way too hard to get people to like them. Both are always in the hunt but come up short at the most crucial times.

Alan Keyes/Gilbert Arenas

Both are either batshit crazy or complete geniuses. Both have at one time sported impeccable baby blowouts as a hairstyle.

Ron Paul/Rich Rodriguez

Ron Paul has taken the principles of free market capitalism and applied them to a quasi-utopian system of government for America. Rich Rodriguez took the principles of the wishbone option and applied them to a modern spread offense. Both are either way ahead or way behind their times. Neither, in my opinion, are complete or sane enough to be viable.

Rudy Giuliani/Larry Brown (Cowboys DB)

Larry Brown made his legacy intercepting two passes in Super Bowl XXX. Giuliani made his legacy by being the mayor of New York City on 9/11. Neither really had anything to do with adopting their legacies. Larry Brown happened to be standing where Neil O'Donnell inexplicably threw two horrible passes. Giuliani happened to be mayor when two planes flew into the World Trade Center.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm....

Garo Yepremian, the kicker for the 1972 Dolphins recently had the following to say about the Pats quest to go undefeated: "We were the first ones to climb Mount Everest. If New England comes and does it, then they can be the second ones. But you usually don’t remember No. 2. I remember Sir Edmund Hillary was the first one to climb Mount Everest. I don’t remember who did it the second time. Do you?”

Well Sir Edmund Hillary just died. Metaphorically speaking, might the 1972 Dolphins historic season be next? Hmmmm...

Hail to the Chiefs (Head Coach)

Gregory Ostertag recently compared Wire characters to NFL playoff teams. I'm going to perform a similar exercise with presidential candidates and sports figures:

The Democrats

Barack Obama/Herm Edwards

Both are charismatic orators and half...way decent guys to say the least. Job experience concerns threatened to dog the career ascension of both men, but their intelligence and personalities have limited the amount of dues they've had to pay. Many initially thought Herm was a long shot to get the Jets Head Coaching job because he was never a coordinator. Similarly Obama was initially scoffed at as a serious contender for the party nomination because he has only served one term as a U.S. Senator. Those concerns have dissipated as their affability and charisma have catapulted them to the top of their professions. Hopefully Obama doesn't balance the budget like Herm manages the clock. Who didn't see that joke coming?

Hillary Clinton/Eli Manning

Two individuals who carpetbagged their way to New York and who have achieved success largely due to their last names. It's highly unlikely that Hillary would have become Senator Clinton and Democratic presidential hopeful (front runner?) without that surname. Eli, being the son of Archie and brother of Peyton, would have been recruited to play QB at Ole Miss even if he had the spine of his black sheep brother Cooper. No doubt, Giants GM Ernie Acorsi had visions of Peyton dancing in his head when he swapped picks with San Diego and phoned in his pick from the war room. Eli had a nice college career, but not one worthy of having the number 1 pick bestowed upon him. Would he have been a first round draft pick? There is a good chance he would have been picked just outside the top ten a la Jay Cutler, but #1 overall is a bit of a reach. It's almost a shame Eli has the Manning name because he could have become a world-class squash player.

Dennis Kucinich/David Eckstein

Both are short, scrappy, overflowing with grit, and have surprisingly attractive wives. Here's Mrs. Eckstein and Mrs. Kucinich.



The Republicans

Mike Huckabee/Carl Everett

Sadly you could attribute this quote on evolution to either of the above-named men: "God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

John McCain/Rasheed Wallace

Both McCain and Wallace were straight-shooting, free thinkers earlier in their careers. Sheed could always be (and often still is) counted on for an entertaining quote. His post game "cut the check" diatribe is one of my all-time favorite locker room rants. Due to his outspokenness, Wallace has not always seen eye to eye with teammates. For much of his political career, McCain was labeled a maverick for his "straight talking" and reluctance to strictly adhere to partisan politics (See the McCain-Feingold campaign reform acts). As a result Republican leaders largely threw their support in favor of George Bush during the 2000 primaries because they knew GWB would be a good little soldier and toe the party line. McCain has seemingly learned his lesson from his 2000 presidential campaign and has marched in relative lock step with the Republican platform in the years since, taking a much more social conservative stance on the wedge issues. Wallace, since joining the Pistons has basked in his role as a complimentary team player. He has bought into the Detroit system completely and from all accounts he has been a positive contributor in the locker room and on the court.

Paper Cut Drought/ Three Way Trade with Major Geo-Political Implications

I have no compelling sports related thoughts to share. Undeterred, I will plow through with a post that's equal parts banal and uninformed drivel. TRY to enjoy.

Paper Cut Drought
Yesterday I got a paper cut. "So what?", you ask. Well when that spot of blood appeared on my finger, it struck me that it was probably my first paper cut in at least five years. Up until about 2002/2003 paper cuts were a semi-routine part of my life. I handle nearly as much paper as ever, but it's no longer causing me minor abrasions. Why not?

Has my skin toughened since my early twenties? If so it must be part of the natural aging process, as my sedentary lifestyle has done nothing to callous my hands.

Are my hands more well-lubricated than before? I am probably slightly more attentive to applying moisturizer to my skin, but I'm certainly not fanatical about it.

Have I become more deft at handling paper? I suppose I could have subconsciously developed certain techniques that allow me to avoid paper cuts, but it seems unlikely.

Has the quality of paper improved in recent years? As of right now, this explanation makes the most sense to me.

Feel free to suggest alternative theories in the comments sections.


Three Way Trade with Geo-Politic Implications
Which of the following nations would pass on the following deal?
Israel leaves all of its land to Saudi Arabia.
United States grants Maine to the displaced Israelis.
Saudi Arabia gives the US a 25% share in their oil profits and promises to redouble it's commitment to rooting out radical Wahabism.

Israel ends up with much more land and better natural resources, in a far more stable region of the world.
Saudi Arabia gets land on the Mediterranean Sea (saving them on shipping costs to Europe and the Americas), expands its influence in the Middle East, and rids themselves of the hated Jews.
The U.S. adds a huge revenue stream and ultimately becomes safer, as Saudi Arabia would produce fewer terrorists.

That's your elusive win/win/win transaction.

You Tube Clip of the Day

The first in SYHD's new series "80's icons delivering inspiring yet demeaning performances at low budget weddings". Please enjoy Men at Work's Colin Hay singing "Land Down Under" at the Joe/Jane Wiseman wedding.

Cazzata Parcells-uh!

Thankfully Joe Gibbs has retired. With the additional free time, his dementia (already apparent) will progress more rapidly. Within a couple years he will be mistaking his nephew for old rival Bill Parcells and firing a bullet into his gut.

Timbersports

A while back I told you of the Marist/Siena women's volleyball game that was being aired on ESPNU. Well last night "The U" featured an event so obscure that it made the aforementioned volleyball match seem like the World Cup finals. At least I was aware that there is a sport called volleyball. I had even heard tell that women play it in college.

I can't say the same for timbersports. I had seen lumberjack competitions at 3:oo in the morning on ESPN 2, but never even knew that they were referred to as "timbersports". I certainly had no clue that it was a NCAA sanctioned sport. Last night, Washington State competed against some Tennessee college with a lot of cardinal directions in its name, in a battle of wood chopping, log rolling, and stump climbing.

Tune into the U tonight as heated Southland Conference rivals McNeese State and Central Arkansas compete in lawn-care sports. Vegas says it's a pick 'em. If the old cliche "styles make fights" holds true we could be in for a classic. Personally I don't think Central Arkansas's dominance in sodding will be enough to make up for McNeese State's slight edges in fertilizing, weeding, and mowing. Others disagree. I guess that's why they play the games.

Roger and McNamee

What a surreal conversation! Much like the 2-years-too-late birds and bees talk my father tried to give me, there was a whole lot of beating around the bush. There's so much strange stuff here. Where to begin? I suppose the beginning is usually the best place to begin.

• "Rocket". "Mac". "What's up buddy?" "What's hap'nin?" Imagine you're Roger Clemens. You have employed for Brian McNamee for 10 years, probably making him a semi-rich man. You have basically allowed him to become part of your family. Then he besmirches your reputation with false accusations that make you FRONT page national news for the first time in your illustrious career. He has possibly ended your chances of being elected to the Hall of Fame and led America to believe that the last 40% of your career was a fraud. Are you going to calmly start your next conversation with this man with "Mac" and "What's hap'nin?". I'm pretty sure I would unleash a stream of profanity that would make a Tourettes sufferer uncomfortable.
• Clemens and McNamee go on to discuss McNamee's apparently terminally ill child. McNamee states "It's real man. Everything else is a joke." Everything? Really Brian? My reputation? Is that a joke?
• About 20 seconds later Roger Clemens says "Everybody asks me about you and I tell them. I treat you like I treat anybody else in the world. I think you know that. I treated you just like anybody else." What a guy! You treat a man largely responsible for your ability to stay dominant into your mid-40s (legitimately or otherwise) the same way you treat a stranger. I could never see somebody holding a grudge about that.
• McNamee passionately pleads with Clemens "Tell me what you want me to do" several times. At no point does Clemens scream "Tell the fucking truth you shitcunt." How is this possible?
• Clemens whines "Mac, I'm doing a press conference on Monday". McNamee volunteers "Do you want to show up?" Clemens basically ignores this offer and plows through with the rest of his thought. He doesn't say "Yes, show up. Exonerate me." How could he pass up this opportunity?
• The most puzzling thing about the whole conversation is that Clemens repeatedly states that he didn't do it. And McNamee doesn't call him out on his bullshit? Really odd.

The Top 9: Saved By the Bell All Time Episodes

If you are true SBTB aficionado, you were already tipped off that we here at SYHD in addition to being poor writers and lazy professionals hold a special place in our heart for the greatest Saturday morning show of all time. So without further ado, I present to you the definitive top 9 list, in ascending order, of the greatest Saved by The Bell episodes of all time. Note: Because the Torii episodes never happened, and because Mike Golic's mullet ate the last known recordings of the College Years-both timeframes have been ruled ineligible from this list.

#9-Aloha Slater: This episode truly defined and featured the Zack/Slater war at its pinnacle. At stake-Kelly's affection and a possible one way ticket to Hawaii for Albert Clifford. Memorable Quote: "Mona Lala Lahi means go sit on a volcano!"

#8-Zack Joins the Rigmas: I'm including this on the list because I, unlike most purists, thoroughly enjoy the Miss Bliss years. They harken back to a simpler time where students could depend on their teachers and wacky janitors for sound advice and moral support. In this particular episode Zack learns a valuable lesson about turning on old friends for new ones, when he is completely stabbed in the back by the Rigmas and forced to come crawling back to Mikey, Nikki and the gang. Memorable quote" Rigmas. Together. Forever. Trevor".

#7-Screech's Secret Sauce: A highly underrated episode. Clever premise, the zany "I Love Lucy" inspired sauce bottling sequence and solid acting (if the Screech double shoulder slouch didn't tear your heart out when he found out Robin only liked him for the money , you are a soulless sociopath) make this episode an all time great. Bonus points for a very rare Soleil Moon-Frye post-Punky tour de force performance. On an unrelated note: I am adamant that Screech's critically lambasted debut in the D list celebrity porn arena would have been a rousing success had he simply changed the name of the film to the title of this particular episode. Memorable quote "heres 40 bucks, I'll have the lobster thermometer too!".

#6-The Wicked Stepbrother: So many twists and turns in this one that it couldn't fit into one half-hour broadcast. Jessie's evil stepbrother is down from New York and is about to show Zack how a true prank/artist blackmailer operates. This uber-dramatic two parter hits its crescendo when Lisa (who eventually falls for the abrasive yet charming Eric) crashes Mrs. Beldings wife's car on the way back from an MC Hammer concert. Note: after viewing this episode, I refused to talk to any kids from New York, as I was too worried they were always carrying a tape recorder).

#'s 5 through 1 to follow.....

Wire to Wire NFL Playoff Action

The NFL is the greatest sporting league on Earth. The Wire is the greatest show on television. This past weekend marked the first round of the NFL playoffs as well as the first episode of season 5 of The Wire. I thought it would be fun to compare the important players in this year's NFL playoffs to the Wire characters they most closely resemble. Here it goes.

Pittsburgh Steelers/The Barksdales-
The Barksdales represent the old muscle in Baltimore. For years they ran West Baltimore's drug trade with little opposition for fear of the strength and power of the Barksdale crew. With time however, the Barksdales became too weak to protect their corners and too antiquated to compete in the new drug trade. Like the Barksdales, the Pittsburgh Steelers have a long tradition of strength and power. They won five super bowls with a tough as nails defense and a smash mouth run game. This year the Steelers had the personnel of a finesse football team but refused to change from their traditional style.

Jacksonville Jaguars/Marlo Stanfield's Crew-
Marlo Stanfield's crew is a modern and meaner version of the Barksdales. Marlo runs West Baltimore with a take no prisoners attitude and never backs down from anyone. Any competition standing in Marlo's way is dealt with in devastating fashion. The Jacksonville Jaguars are a modern version of the Pittsburgh Steelers. They run the ball and employ a tough and physical defense. The Jaguars stole the smash mouth crown from the Steelers this year with two tough victories in Pittsbugh's back yard.

Brett Favre/Bubbles-
Bubbles is a life long junkie and all around lovable guy. What Bubbles lacks in traditional intellect he makes up with in street smarts and survival skills. Bubbles is loved by everyone in Baltimore and is a favorite among fans of The Wire. Like Bubbles, Favre often gets by on sheer ingenuity and guile. NFL fans love Favre and he loves them back. Just as Bubbles has attempted to clean up his act and succeed on the straight and narrow, Favre has thrived this season by playing within the system and limiting his mistakes. Both however are undoubtedly doomed to revert to their old ways which will lead to their inevitable demises. *Bonus points here for Favre having a Bubbles like addiction to pain killers.*

Todd Collins/Mayor Carcetti
Both Collins and Carcetti took over from their black predecessors with signs of hope and promise. Both failed miserably. The citizens of Baltimore and the fans of the Redskins alike found out the hard way that some things never change.

Michael Vick/Cheese
Cheese was mostly left out of the season 5 premiere and Michael Vick was a no show for the 2007 NFL season. Both love to fight dogs though.

Jeff Garcia/Detective Freamon
Freamon is a skilled and reliable detective who is largely took for granted by the Baltimore Police Department. He continually makes an important contribution to the Special Crimes Unit but is certainly not an interesting enough character to carry the show. Jeff Garcia is an underappreciated quarterback who always seems to get the job done. While Garcia has been fairly successful every time he gets a chance in the league, he clearly doesn't possess the requisite skill to carry a team to the Super Bowl.

Peyton Manning/Omar
Omar robs drug dealers and slays those who stand in his way. Perversely though, he is probably the only archetypal hero on the show. He only preys on those who deserve it and he does it with the utmost precision and impeccable planning. And he is gay. Peyton Manning is the face of the NFL. He is a conventional quarterback and all around good guy. His commitment to gameplanning is second to none as is his passing ability. And he is gay...okay, he isn't gay but his brother is.

Tom Brady/Jimmy McNulty
They both bang a lot of girls.

Bill Belichick/Heroin
Both are the unstoppable forces in their respective worlds. Both make you lethargic and suck the life out of you. Both have futile wars waged against them by their opponents. Both illegally videotape their opposition. Both are surly dicks at press conferences. Both wear dirty sweatshirts. Both dump their wives for receptionists. Both are shot in the arm.

More Hot Stove Transactions

Just what everybody is jonesing for on the day the NFL playoffs start...an analysis of the most recent baseball transactions.

• Athletics trade Nick Swisher to the White Sox for Gio Gonzalez, Fautino de los Santos, and Ryan Sweeney. How many GMs are this decisive? Billy Beane concluded that his team's core wasn't good enough to compete with the Angels and so he's going to send them off for prospects and look towards the '10s. According to Baseball Prospectus, the A's are getting the Sox's first, second, and eighth best prospects for Swisher. It's a pretty good haul for a pretty good player. Unfortunately for GM Ken Williams, the White Sox were not a pretty good player away from contending. Williams hasn't done anything right in the past two seasons. The ChiSox would have been better off with the prospects.
• Royals sign Ron Mahay to a 2 year $8 million contract. Imagine you are an investor burned out crack den analogy for a moment for this one. Imagine a man who buys a burned out crack den at a government auction. Instead of renovating the floors, walls, ceilings, counters, and cabinets, his first move is to hang a $5,000 chandelier in the dining room. It's a nice chandelier, to be sure, but it would fit much better as a finishing touch in an otherwise upscale house. Royals GM Dayton Moore is that investor and Ron Mahay is the chandelier.
• Yankees sign LaTroy Hawkins to a one year deal for $3.75 million. The Yankees are actually the house that should have purchased the Mahay chandelier. Instead Hawkins should provide the Yankees with a reasonable facsimile of Luis Vizcaino's performance last season. He is a decent enough third or fourth option in a bullpen still searching for a legitimate second option. As such this contract seems appropriate. Cashman is clearly banking on someone from the Edwar Ramirez/Ross Ohlendorf/Alan Horne/J.B. Cox stockpile of second tier pitching prospects to take over as primary set-up man for Mariano Rivera. Anyway, if Latroy ends up sucking for the Yankees I will alternately refer to him as "Sadie Hawkins" and "Sophie B. Hawkins". It won't be particularly clever or relevant, but slapping a gal's name on a fella is always fun.
• Mariners sign Carlos Silva to a 4 year $48 million contract. Carlos Silva doesn't suck. That backhanded compliment is the best thing I can say for him. It's incredible that simply not sucking garners a pitcher $12 million per year on the open market.

Based on Profile Views, Your Most Popular Poster Is....

Mookie!

Thank you inquisitive, curious, and very bored readers for making this all possible. I'd also like to thank myself who help pad the total with a couple clicks of the old mouse. While Tremont might be the glue that keeps the operation together, apparently he is the white slot receiver to my tempermental, unmotivated #1.

Now That's Hokey

Like most of America I had completely forgot about the Va Tech shooting instead dwelling on matters more directly related to my personal well-being, such as what hand am I going to whack it with tonight (I'm thinking lefty loosey). Thus when Fox ran it's pregame hokum on the post-tragedy Va Tech student body/football team, I was not only reminded of the shooting, but also of how much I loathe human interest stories. Olympic coverage is my personal hell. Go Jayhawks!

The Top 9: Least Productive Guys in the NBA

As I was sitting at work today I came to the realization that I probably had 15 productive minutes this morning in a span of 4 1/2 hours. Which got me to thinking, I think someone needs to honor those who do significantly less than that on a much larger stage. So without further ado, I present to you the nine least productive stiffs in all of the association. Why nine you ask? Who would want to read somebody's top 10 list when you could read a top 9 ( this is similar to the theory behind "7 minute abs". And yes, if you come up with a top 8 list I will disembowel you and leave your rotting carcass in a suitcase)

#9- Erick Dampier-Once had two points and five rebounds in a forty minute effort in a must-win playoff game. Mark Cuban paid this guy the same money he refused to pay Steve Nash.

#8- Bruce Bowen- the most one dimensional starter in the league.

#7-Quentin Richardson- right behind Bowen in terms of one-dimensionality. If you count taking and missing eight three pointers a game as a dimension.

#6-Ben Wallace-Jerome James thinks this guy stopped trying after signing a new multi-year deal.

#5-Quentin Ross-Bruce Bowen without the one dimension.

#4-Larry Hughes-Will go down in Cleveland sports history as the sole reason that Lebron James refused to re-sign.

#3-Eddy Curry-Amazingly, not the highest Knick on this list. If Curry gets any fatter he will be the first player in NBA history to get simultaneously called for an offensive and defensive three second violation.

#2-Jason Collins-Was given a multi-million dollar extension by the Nets for his ability to lean on Shaquille O'neal.

#1 Jared Jeffries-The perfect storm of unproductivity. Can't shoot, can't rebound, can't pass, plays overrated defense and is costing the Knicks 40 million plus against the cap. The Anucha-Brown Sanders payout will pale in comparison to the courtside fan that sues MSG when an errant Jeffries three-ball caves in his face.

Another Citrus Bowl Observation

The Citrus Bowl is the worst stadium I've ever stepped foot in. Not only is it an eyesore plopped into a shitty neighborhood, but the structure is falling apart, has all the amenities of your local trailer park, and is inconveniently organized. Many sections of the stadium are not connected and can only be accessed through a few select points. This not only creates confusion when entering, but also bottlenecking when exiting.

Ever wonder what it's like to sit in a backless stadium seat? No? Well me neither, but now I know what it feels like, and while it's slightly more comfortable than sitting on an aluminum bench, it's a lot less comfortable than planting your ass on just about anything else.

The place makes Shea Stadium look like the Alhambra.

A Text-book Prank

I attended the UF-Michigan bowl game yesterday. As a Florida fan, it was a very frustrating to watch an overmatched Gator secondary get exploited worse than underage Cambodian whore. Every Florida blitz was picked up, while Wolverine defense players were allowed to romp free around the Gator backfield. If it wasn't for two goal line fumbles by UM, the game would have been a blowout.

In order to take my mind off of the game, I turned my attention to a rather interesting in-game promotion. By texting 28553 and coughing up $2 bucks, you could get a message up on the scoreboard. Some people put up really cool, imaginative messages like, "Tebow, You Rule! -N. Skop" or "Go Gators- Jeff Glassman" obviously not seeing the huge potential to absolutely burn someone in front of 60,000 people.

I started out with a few gay marriage proposals from one friend to another, which garnered a few good laughs. After a few more beers, I really saw the nefarious potential of these barely censored texts.

SYHD contributor, Side Salad, best known for his run-on paragraphs and one overrated/underrated column, was at the game with his girlfriend of four years. To provide some back story, within the past six months, her two younger sisters became engaged and one of those sisters just got hitched a week or two ago. At the wedding reception, the bouquet was walked right up to Side Salad's girlfriend, Jennifer, and all the guys dispersed around him when the garter belt was thrown. To say there is a little pressure on Side Salad to get down on bended knee is a little bit of an understatement. The couple even got into a big fight over the weekend when Side Salad told her to stop talking about marriage.

So having full knowledge of this, towards the end of the third quarter I sent the following text to the scoreboard, "Jennifer [last name redacted]. You had me at hello. Will you marry me? [Side Salad's real name]."

Thankfully for the future of their relationship, neither Salad nor his girlfriend saw the message, but several co-workers and one family member did spot the faux proposal as it scrolled across the jumbotron, which has led to many awkward conversations over the past 24 hours.

[Disclaimer: I was going to put a disclaimer up with this post about how I did see the College Humor prank when it was originally posted, but that it did not enter my mind at the game. Anyway, the post was designed to show how dangerous allowing anyone to text practically anything on a scoreboard in front of tens of thousands of people can be dangerous. Also, as Johnny Dakota put it, I'm a hack who is the Dane Cook of blogging]

Hall of Fame Debates

I've decided I'm officially over Hall of Fame debates. The same arguments are made every year with the brights campaigning for Bert Blyleven and Goose Gossage and the dims supporting Jack Morris and Jim Rice. Who gives a shit? I haven't been to Cooperstown in 12 years and probably won't go back for at least another 12. Whether any or all of the aforementioned men's mustachioed busts in are the Hall won't make or break my next visit. It's not worth investing my time in these arguments (Ironically I'm investing my time writing this post to tell you that I'm not investing my time). I'm in control of my own personal Hall of Fame. And I'm getting rid of all the blacks.

Laziness

Nothing irks sports fans more than an phenomenal athlete who fails to reach his perceived potential because of laziness. If you need proof, talk to a Knicks fan about Eddy Curry or anyone who ever rooted for Derrick Coleman; Then look for cover. It agitates people that players who are so gifted could not fulfill their promise due to a lack of competitive fire. They think to themselves "If I had his athleticism I would be in the Hall of Fame". And that may well be the case. A person with even average ambition and Derrick Coleman's talent would have been a perennial All-Star. But what if the ability to stay motivated is a talent, in and of itself?

(With the science background of your average Hutu) I hypothesize that an individual's level of ambition is nearly as innate as their intelligence or athleticism. A large percentage of the remainder of one's drive is developed in early childhood. Perhaps due to factors completely out of his control, Eddy Curry is simply incapable of getting his competitive juices going for more than a game or two. If this is the case, then hating him for his lack of motivation is as ridiculous as hating Chad Pennington for his weak throwing arm. Or Bengie Molina for his lack of speed or even Nate Robinson for his shortness.

I'm not saying you should want lazy sacks of shit on your team. Just that the lazy shits should be treated with the same disdain that players with more obvious physical shortcomings are treated.

Give yourself a Barry Horowitzesque pat on the back if you inferred that this was a thinly veiled justification of my own failures in life.