Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Fun With Athletes' Maladies

Rocco Baldelli- Hey Rocco, nobody is buying this cock and bull story about your mitochondrial abnormality. Like a typical Italian you are malingering when it's time to get to work. Need proof? Mitochondria is an anagram for "I'm a con rdith! O!" By "rdith" Rocco meant "artist". See, also like many Italians he can't spell words that are longer than 3 letters long. So he writes them phonetically. Unfortunately he has an awful lisp that makes it nearly impossible for him to produce the "s" sound. Also, like Paulie Walnuts he accentuates many of the things he says with an "O!" Alright I made that whole thing up.
The truth is far sadder. It appears that the synergistic effect of a diet of strictly meatball parm subs and Stella D'ora breadsticks can lead to the premature breakdown of the body. If only Aunt Theresa made a better lasagna dish, poor Rocco might be on his way to the Hall of Fame. Damn shame.

Nene- I can't wait until they air "Nene's Nut Cancer Special". To see him sing "Hey kids feel your balls" in Portugese might be the highlight of my life. I also need to hear him repeat the word "tubing" in a variety of silly voices and introduce his parents to Drew Barrymore.

Kaz Matsui- I was requested by a faithful reader to make a joke about Matsui's anal fissures. No joke exists that can top the phrase "anal fissures" on it's own. So here goes: Anal fissures! ROTFL!


Anonymous said...

Rocco, why you no eat your Stelladoro? Wassamatta you?

Great Blog. I look forward to the Baldelli Noce references at every year's draft. Great to hear it live this year with accents as opposed to just reading it and having to imagine it all like JD from Scrubs.

Stigs said...

hey rocco, you're gonna miss more games than you play again this year? Fuugetaboutit!! I'm sure you could have a career in shining shoes if this baseball thing doesn't work out.

But as an Italian, this article offends me greatly. Just cuz he is Italian, it doesn't mean he eats meatball parm subs and breadsticks all day long. Now, if you'll excuse me, i have some red stuff to wash off the collar of my shirt.