Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mama Mia! Marbury and Italy: A Match Made in Heaven


When reading the news that Starbury planned to finish his career in Italy, my initial response was one of concern for him. I was worried that he would be unprepared for the unflattering comparisons to eggplant that he would be receiving in every visiting city. However, upon further consideration, I believe that Starbury will find Italia perfectly simpatico. When you dig beneath the surface, there are staggering similarities between Marbury and Italy.

First, both Italy and Steph peeked very early. Italy has largely been a non-factor on the world's stage, since the fall of Rome, over 1500 years ago. The only reason anybody visits the country is to see buildings that were erected many centuries ago. Likewise, when teamed with Kevin Garnett, Stephon Marbury looked like he was headed for NBA domination. With each passing year, his career becomes more disappointing.

Second, both Italy and Marbury feature a pretty weak defense. After Italy became a nation in 1861, it failed miserably in its efforts to recolonize the world. Most famously they lost a war to conquer Ethiopia (Ethiopia!). They switched sides in World War I, when they realized their allies in the Triple Alliance were about to be defeated. Then they picked up a big loss in World War II. (Why doesn't Italy get shit for joining Hitler's team?) Smartly, they have kept a pretty low profile since then.
The opposing point guard seems to average 25 points and 10 assists against the Knicks.

Like the Italians in World War II, Marbury was the third banana on a losing team. I guarantee this is the first time you've ever seen Eddy Curry and Jamal Crawford compared to Germany and Japan in an analogy.

Finally, much like Italians, Starbury doesn't make the people around him better. I grew up idolizing my Irish/English/Lebanese cousin. He probably wasn't that cool, but he was 9 years older, so to me he was the most. Then he started hanging out with the Italian kids. He adopted their way of talk, their mannerisms, and style of dress. Quickly he became an insufferable ass. His was not an isolated case. On the whole, I am probably a lesser person for my association with Italians.
Likewise, players never develop with Marbury running the point. In fact, every team he has left improved dramatically upon his departure.

If eHarmony matched people with nations, Steph and Italy would be doing a testimonial on their commercial.

(Any unfair oversimplifications of history or sweeping generalizations about Italians are done for the benefit of the analogy. In other words, calm down all you Salvatores and Josephines. Wipe off the pasta fagioli that you just threw at your monitor. I was kidding...sort of.)

4 comments:

Mookie said...

Arguably the best post in the site's history. Nocedog might quit the blog after your disparaging remarks about the Italianos.

Jimer said...

Comical, but I've read much better on this site.

Mookie said...

I just a sucker for Italian bashing

Fat Dizzle said...

Great post. Would have enjoyed seeing Marbury's ability to lead a winning team compared to that of a spicy meatball.