Intro- Sorry for the delay in posting. I have come down with some variant of the Singapore dick slug that had me up all night long selling Buicks. Since I have been nothing short of dogshit on the year (24-26 but 5-0 on the Roper), we are going to mix things up a bit this week. I have surveyed a handful of self proclaimed football savvy women to assist me in handicapping games using criteria important only to them.
The Helen Roper- named after the sexually frustrated wife of Stanley Roper on the 70’s slapstick sitcom Three’s Company. Helen Roper was a sure thing.
Vanderbilt (+15) at Florida- Anderson Cooper is like so hot right now. I mean, he has won Grammy’s for his work covering breaking news stories important to New Yorkers and others. I know he is totally gay, but those blue eyes make him so dreamy. I'm not even mad that he is becoming so famous, because I was all over him before he became a regular in Star magazine. I didn't even care about his premature graying. It proved to me that he is really sensitive. I once read that as a child he had dyslexia, so I know that we could discuss at length the pressures of remaining skinny and fit for our men. Anderson's mom is Gloria Vanderbilt, so I will pick her team.
The Pick: Vanderbilt (+15)
The Lady Bowerbird- named after the female Bowerbird who goes from elaborate bower to bower, ultimately selecting the male who builds the most ornate bower to mate with. With a little hard work, the Lady Bowerbird is a sure thing.
Missouri (-4) at Colorado- A few years back on spring break in South Padre, this crunchy group of girls from Colorado were so loud and obnoxious over dinner that my sorority sisters and I could not even enjoy our sushi rolls. Then one of my sisters overheard them in the bathroom talking shit about another one of my sister’s outfit. Like who are they? You are on spring break and you are wearing a North Face. Brrr, its so cold down here in South Texas, or wherever it is. Just eat your granola roll and like leave us alone. When we saw them out at the bar we ended up getting into this big screaming match with them after they tried to dance on the bar at the same time we did. If I hadn’t gotten kicked out for underage drinking, I swear I was going to slap one of them in their vegan face. I think one of our guy friends ended up getting HPV from them. Ever since then, I don’t like Colorado girls. I will pick Missouri (-4).
LSU (-7) at Alabama- I read this study that tested the hypothesis that reminders of a woman's menstrual status lead to more negative reactions to her and increased objectification of women in general. Participants interacted with a female confederate who ostensibly accidentally dropped either a tampon or hair clip out of her handbag. Dropping the tampon led to lower evaluations of the confederate's competence, decreased liking for her, and a marginal tendency to avoid sitting close to her. In a rivalry game like this, I think that LSU will not want to be nice to Alabama, and they will say mean things about the Crimson Tide being on their period. Alabama will not play good because of this. I will pick LSU (-7).
The Hymen- need I explain? Far from a sure thing, but certainly penetrable.
Arizona State at Oregon (-7)- Awww, who could root against the cute Duckies? Quack, quack, lol. Besides, Emilio Estevez is my favorite actor and I loved him in The Mighty Ducks. My pick looks like a duck, walks like a duck and swims like a duck (-7)!
Nebraska (+19) at Kansas- Theory just came out with this pleated, panya style wool jacket that buttons down with a tie waist that I want soooooooooo bad! Theory always does well with red in their fall line. I will take Nebraska (+19).
Navy at Notre Dame (-3.5)- Didn’t that darling Brady Quinn used to play for Notre Dame? I’m not sure who their new quarterback is [editors note: neither are we], but I’m sure I’d like to borrow the chapstick he is wearing. Notre Dame QB’s are the cause of global warming. I will take Notre Dame to cover the spread.
Since we here at SYHD can’t get drunk off of a six-pack, we offer a shot of 4 horsemen of the apocalypse guaranteed to leave you with a hangover. Much like shooting a 4 horsemen, there is no rhyme or reason as to why we make these picks, and there certainly is no explanation. [winners in bold]
Iowa (+1) at Northwestern
Florida State (+6.5) at Boston College
Minnesota at Illinois (-11.5)
Texas A&M at Oklahoma (-21)