Omar Did What?!

I'll let Mookie handle this one in depth. Let me just say that Omar Minaya's body of work as a Major League GM is spotty at best. The Mets are desperate for a top end of the rotation starter. So how can he trade one of his most valuable chips for a satisfactory outfielder and a catcher who isn't appreciably better than their other two uninspiring backstops? Any Mets fans still drinking the Omar Kool-Aid is absolutely lost.

Government Entitlements: Providing a Necessary Safety Net or Fostering a Culture of Dependency

The D-Rays traded promising young outfielder Delmon Young and some lesser commodities to the Twins for promising young pitcher Matt Garza (based on his last name alone, he should be able to pull off a wicked plancha) and a couple of other chips. This transaction is almost as fun as your average Earth Wind & Fire song. That sounds sarcastic, but I really dig EWF.

It's the Bizarro World Orlando Cabrera/John Garland deal, which made no sense for either party. You can't turn a corner in Tampa without bumping into a Major League quality outfielder, yet their pitching staff is Kazmir and pray the sky isn't clear. (I was so hellbent on getting a "Spahn and Sain" reference in there that I didn't care how strained it was) The Twins organization is brimming with young pitching, but needs to fill the hole Torii Hunter left in the outfield. You can't find two more compatible trade partners.

I wish more GMs had the plums to make these kinds of deals. They are usually either too in love with their own young talent or too scared to look bad.

Quarterly Wrestling Haiku

Dean-o Machine-o,
Stink-o Malenko, or Man
Of a thousand holds?

Whitlock, Stock, and Barrel

Jason Whitlock's take on the Sean Taylor killing. Much like Brother Malcolm, Whitlock is once again preaching personal responsibility in the African-American community.

Random NFL Thoughts

Before I start, I want to thank our new graphic artiste CmcD- the most talented drunken vegetarian I know. When the mood strikes him right, McD will be gracing SYHD with his sports-inspired graphical goodness. Think of him as a slightly less gay Leroy Neiman. Just wait until he releases "The Ron Ron". The world may never be the same.

That's enough for the intro. Now on to what you came here for. Typo-ridden, tense challenged blogging.

-A few weeks ago I made a bet with loyal reader Bobby Snyder that Kellen Clemens would finish the season stronger than Eli Manning. After Clemens' miserable Thanksgiving performance I figured Eli would clearly have the advantage after Week 12. Well I was wrong. Apparently the sibling rivalry in the Manning household translates to interceptions as well. Eli clearly did not want Peyton and his 6 interception performance upstage his legendary inaccuracy and thus did his best Cooper Manning impression. The Pouty One chucked four INTs, including three pick sixes (as the kids and Stuart Scott would say). Now everyone including GM Jerry Reese is throwing him under the bus. At least he'll always have squash.

-Boffo re-re-debut for Ricky Williams. I wonder how long it took Skip Bayless to make a medicinal marijuana joke?

-After careful consider, I think Peter King is right. Tony Romo does lead the league in smiles. You know who doesn't lead the league in smiles? This guy.

- The Redskins secondary suddenly has some holes in it (hat tip to Johnny Dakota).

-University of Miami has a recruit named Marve coming in next season. I wonder if his name is pronounced Mar-ve or Mav-ra. Regardless he better be a cocksure gunslinger or else I and Peter Kind will request our money back.

-[Edit] As a fantasy owner of Brandon Jacobs it's infuriating that he was the short yardage back last season and now gets replaced by Ruben Droughns on the goal line.

-Yeah, I got nothing else.

My Lack Of Posting

Well my job has become a prison sentence as last Monday my boss instituted restricted Internet. I only have access to Westlaw and Whitepages.com, which gets completely boring after you type your last name in once. My only refuge is constant emailing with Charlie Hustle and his boy toy Joey Mac (who actually had a dream about this blog last night), who try their best to keep me up to date with the days happenings. Since my websurfing at work is now akin to surfing on the Long Island Sound (for our non-NY readers, there are no waves on the Sound and low tide smells like a dead bajengo) I am really out of the loop when it comes to the days sports/pop culture news. Thus my blogging has suffered severely. Furthermore, it does not help that I had to work on my Florida Bar Admission application the past couple nights, thus occupying my precious 2-3 hours of free time during the day. Thankfully that application is done and in the mail. I can't wait until I get denied for being a completely immoral individual.

Alas, I will make a concerted effort to post more frequently. This blog isn't going to die on my watch.

For Johan Santana

I'd be willing to surrender a package of

1. Phil Hughes
2. Melky Cabrera and
3. The Twins Choice of any non-Chamberlain/Kennedy/Tabata prospect.

I'm trying really hard not to get myself too worked up about this possibility.

We stink and so does softcore porn

Sorry for the lack of content, folks. Before we lose all four of our readers we should really throw up some posts. Since this is the heart of football season and I'm not the world's biggest football guy, I don't have a whole lot to say. (A little help, fellas?!)

Completely Non-Sports Related Thought
The fact that soft-core pornography continues to thrive on cable is puzzling. It's a middle ground between the mainstream and the deviant that seems as unsustainable as the Missouri Compromise. First, NOBODY who enjoys porn prefers it to the hardcore stuff. Second, NOBODY that objects to televised boning is okay with soft-core porn. HBO and Showtime should show penetration or get out of the porn game.

Early Offseason Transactions

My reactions to the MLB offseason thus far...

1. The Angels signed the infuriatingly spelled Torii Hunter to a 5 year $90 million dollar deal. That's too much money for too many years, but Hunter does fit a need for the Angels. Many are saying that this signing doesn't make sense because the Angels already have Vladimir, Gary Matthews, Garrett Anderson, Reggie Willits, and Juan Rivera to play the outfield. Well, outside of Vlad that group looks like a group of 4th and 5th outfielders to me. Kudos to the Angels for acknowledging that paying Gary Matthews and Garrett Anderson like stars doesn't make them so.
2. The Angels traded SS Orlando Cabrera to the White Sox for P John Garland. On the surface a 3rd starter for an average starting SS is a fair exchange of talent. When looking at the context of the two teams, the deal is a bit puzzling. This seems to be a rare trade that makes both teams WORSE. The Angels already had a lot of depth in the starting rotation and the White Sox starting pitching is shaky. The Angels now lack a starting shortstop and the White Sox had just resigned their starting shortstop. I don't get it from either side.
3. The Reds signed Francisco Cordero to a 4 year/$46 million dollar contract to protect leads they'll never have. Smart.

None of the other deals get my juices going.

Phony Righteous Indignation

We're all upset about this? Really? Nick Saban used 9/11 and Pearl Harbor comparisons to inspire his team of borderline retarded juice heads and I am supposed to get all worked up. War was an operative analogy for football, long before anyone even uttered the phrase "Galloping Ghost". All of a sudden we're appalled because this reference hit a little closer to home?

I'll join the anti-Saban bandwagon on the following conditions:

Stop calling Bobby Knight "The General" and Avery Johnson "The Little General". It's insulting to compare men who train giants to put balls in baskets to the great men who keep our nation safe. For the same reason point guards shouldn't be referred to as "floor generals".

There are to be no more teams called Warriors, Trojans, and Spartans. All of these names serve to reinforce the false notion that sports are comparable to battle.

UMass must change its teams' names from the Minutemen. How can you compare a bunch of student athletes to the patriots who fought for this nation's independence?

The 76ers must also change their name, because shootin' hoops ain't shootin' Red Coats.

Remove the phrases "marching down the field", "the trenches" and "sudden death" from the football lexicon.



Or better yet, how about we all stop feigning righteous indignation about this nontroversy.

Kennedy Curse

The Kennedy Curse has struck Oakland A's pitcher Joe Kennedy. Let's hope the particulars of his death are as interesting as assassination, plane crashes, and skiing into trees. My fingers are crossed hoping that Yankees prospect Ian is not next.

Quick Thought

There may be nothing more boring in the history of television broadcasting than the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wow, you get to see C level celebrities on extremely slow-moving oversized advertisements, while listening to inane banter from newscasting talking heads. I'd rather watch Fairfield-Siena women's volleyball or the NHL.

Pun of the Day

Apparently the University of Michigan is in the market for a new Carr. The given reason is that the old one sucked, and they would prefer one with Les Miles





(this is my first post in five months and my girlfriend created the pun-god I suck).

The "U" is for "Unnecessary"

What would you guess is airing on ESPNU right now? Men's college hoops? Maybe women's college hoops? Perhaps a re-run of one of Saturday's football games? No stupid, it's women's volleyball!

Guess who's playing. UCLA/USC? Some heated Big Ten rivals? No, it's Fairfield vs. Siena of course!

Let that digest for a moment. A national audience is being treated to a FUCKING FAIRFIELD/SIENA WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eight Overrated Ladies of the '80s (#3)

3) Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan)
In the '80s a disturbing trend in popular culture began. Middle aged women got the notion that they could be just as sexy as the younger gals. Until this point in human history, relatively young grandmothers knew that men were no longer interested in their bodies. They had enough dignity to accept that their run as sex objects was over and behaved accordingly.

Blanche Devereaux of the Golden Girls, Mona of Who's the Boss?, and Joan Collins were the embodiments of this awful trend that continues to this day. I chose Blanche (Rue) for this list, because she didn't even display many remnants of bygone beauty. Somehow that didn't stop every male divorcee and widower in Miami from chasing her as if she were a white, post-menopausal Jackee.

Political correctness prevents us from being honest about older women. 40 is not the new 30. 60 is not the new 40. If you have issues with this take it up with your creator, or natural selection, or whatever. It is not sexist to state that older woman aren't meant to be hot. In fact it's probably a bit sexist to implicitly suggest that a gender's entire value is tied up in their physical attractiveness. When you argue that a 55 year old women is as beautiful as ever, you are doing just that.

Dear Big Ten Commissioner,

When your teams are getting their doors blown off in the 1st quarters of their respective bowl games, you might want to consider the possibility of scheduling some late November games. A month of rest is more than enough. It seems that six or seven weeks of rust is difficult to shake off.

His Name is What?!

Watching some of the LSU/Ole Miss game, I stumbled upon a mystery for the ages. How does the above pictured gentleman acquire the name Brent Schaeffer? First, Brent is a name usually reserved for heartland white boys. I have never met, nor heard of, a black dude with the name. Secondly Schaeffer is a German surname. Early German Americans were famously abolitionist. Obviously this doesn't mean that there wasn't the odd German slave owner, but they were few and far between.

Does anybody have an answer to my question? My best guess is that Mekhi Phifer, while on vacation to the Dominican Republic with his family, and Vladamir Guerrero bumped uglies as 12 year old children. To spare himself the shame of having the first ever anal birth, Phifer quickly put the child up for adoption and young Brent was taken in by a white family. Could somebody either confirm or deny my theory?

Tremont's Belated Take on the A-Rod Signing

I know that I'm bordering on buy-a-home-pregnancy-test late on this one but here is my two cents on the A-Rod signing. Much like the Posada and Rivera signings, this deal has the potential to get really ugly on the back end. As a Yankees fan I can't concern myself with such thoughts right now. Nor can I bothered with the debate over whether A-Rod was sincere in his passion for playing with the Yankees or if he was humbled because the market didn't pan out for him. I am just thrilled to have him back.

Personally I think it's a bit masochistic for Rodriguez to return to New York. Yankees fans will forever treat him like dog shit every time he goes on a 2 for 17 slump. God help him if he doesn't win a championship by 2013. By then he will have begun to show signs of decline and the Yankees will still owe him $140 for the following 5 seasons. If such a scenario plays out, I would place 50/50 on a Yankees fans assassinating him or driving him to suicide.

I think I just changed my mind.

Eckstein Sucks And Here's Why

I really can't deal with this. I would rather have a gay, retarded, handicapped, vegetarian son than have David Eckstein playing for the Mets.

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/search?q=eckstein

My World is Falling Apart

I can hardly bring myself to write this, as I am fighting the urge to commit acts of severe violence to my computer and everything else that is around me right now. Why? Because it appears that the Mets have made David Eckstein their primary target to replace Luis Castillo at second. Eckstein is my least favorite player in all of baseball, and that's putting it lightly. For the first time in my life, I'm questioning my Mets fanhood. The thought of his overrated gritty mchustleness manning 2b and a spot at the top of the order makes me sick to my stomach. Omar must go. By even pursuing Eckstein he shows that he knows nothing about baseball. Words really can't describe how I'm feeling right now.

Another Battle in the SEC

This juggernaut of a conference just keeps knocking each other around. The competition in the SEC is just ridiculous. We should probably just have an eight team SEC playoff to determine the national champion. This week was no exception as Alabama nearly pulled of an upset of mighty Louisiana State...Oh wait, that was 5-6 Louisiana-Monroe that beat Alabama? Well, Alabama probably wasn't trying. GO SEC!!!

Roid Ages: Everyone's doing it

Unfortunately, this is not a satirical piece. It's not an overblown, Skip Bayless-inspired opinion to get attention or rock the boat. It is a straightforward testimonial to combat this nonsense about Barry Bonds. I can’t see a freaking sports highlight since SportsCenter has called in every analyst to triumph the catching of the “great white wale.” I don't care. I'm pretty sure everyone has done steriods at this point.

While my facts are mostly anecdotal, they shouldn't be quickly dismissed. Growing up in the 90’s, I have witnessed steroid usage firsthand. It is rampant as any other drug in my generation(besides weed), which people over 30 simply cannot grasp.

In high school, I went to a prominent South Florida "football factory" where according to people on the team, half the squad was using steroids. Of the kids that were going to play Division I football, about 75% had dabbled in some from of performance enhancer.

In college, I didn't have the same access to the football team (except for the occasional head coach-lead assault on our fraternity house) but it was well known that most of our frat was on the sauce. A straw polled once revealed that of our 120 brothers, about 65 had juiced at one point or another. It wasn't hidden either. We once had to pause a game of FIFA so one guy could take a syringe to his ass, and lunchroom chatter was often focused on whether "Winnie” or “Deca” was the way to go before spring break. The most fascinating part was that these guys weren't out to make money on lucrative contracts or get called up to the big leagues. They were merely trying to score hotter girls. They were ready to risk their health to go from getting a "7" to scoring a "9" (or in fraternity terms, upgrading from a Chi Omega to a Kappa Delta).

The side effects were obviously obstacles to consider (there were rumors of back-shaving agreements between fellow juicers), but the amount of research they performed was staggering (and very unlike the “meathead” stereotype). It is preposterous to think that athletes don't know what is going in their bodies, as Giambi and Bonds once claimed, because they have researched exactly what to take and how long to take it. This isn't the time of Ken Caminiti shoving whatever he could get into his bloodstream. These guys are informed. Yet the media focuses on persecuting Bonds and turning a blind eye to everyone else. They believe that Paul Byrd's dentist gave him HGH for a thyroid problem and Rick Ankiel was told that he needed steroids for his migraines.

Baseball is using Bonds like kids in high school used their “stoner friend.” Remember the one friend we all had in high school who used to wear the marijuana leaf necklace and constantly had blood-shot eyes? We would have our parents think that he was the way pot smokers looked and acted. Parents would try to keep that kid away, thinking that he was the root of the problem. Meanwhile, the rest of us just used a little Visine and kept our mouths shut.

Bonds is just one of many guys who have used steroids. The others just hide it better.

The Friday Six Pack

Intro: Losing bets sucks. Losing money sucks even more. Apparently much knowledge does not teach wisdom, for I am 34-35-1 on the year after going 4-6 last week (still 6-1 on the Roper for the year). A little learning misleadeth, and a great deal often stupifieth the understanding. So sayeth someone-eth I rememberest from a 300 level philosophy classeth I once tooketh. Since I am so doggone mediocre this year, I have decided to present you with options. I will make my picks for each game and then I will employ a game of chance to pick the game. The way I have been picking as of late, the games of chance may be the better option to play.

The Helen Roper: Missouri (-7) at Kansas State.

My pick: Mizzou to cover. KSU gave up 73 last week to Nebraska and was outgained by nearly 300 yards. Mizzou is averaging 42 points a game, is 9-2 in their last 11 ATS and has a lot to play for.

Game of chance pick- The call someone's name game: When I call the guy in the office next to mine's name if he says "Yeah" Mizzouri will cover, if he says "Yo, what, huh, yes, or any other variation," Kansas State is the pick. Here goes.......

Looks like Mizzou will win and cover.

The Lady Bower Bird

Western Michigan at Iowa (-14)- 71% of the smart money is on Iowa. Iowa is in need of a big win at home to close out the season in what has been a disappointing year. Iowa is still looking to move up in the bowl selection process, and keep the increasingly malcontent fan base happy in doing it. I say Iowa covers.

Game of chance pick- Picking names from a hat: Lugo the cleaning guy pulled Western Michigan.

West "f*cking" Virginia (-6.5) at Cincinnati- Here is to Slaton and White owning the Nati Cats 3 years in a row. I say WFV covers.

Game of chance pick- Quarter flip: Heads WFV, tails Cincy. I present the quarter to myself. I stand on opposite sides at different times to acknowledge that I know what team is which. I toss the coin, let it fall to the ground and it lands on........ tails. Cincy is the game of chance pick.

The Hymen

Oklahoma (-8.5) at Texas Tech- With most of Tech's receiving corps out, it won't have the passing game continuity in place to score what it will take to keep up with Oklahoma. Don't forget OU is averaging nearly 500 yards a game while holding opponents in the teens. OU covers and makes a statement doing it.

Game of chance pick- Cutting cards: 2-8 Oklahoma, 9-A Texas Tech. King of Diamonds it is, so take Texas Tech and the points. I am starting to get the itch to fly to Vegas tonight.

Kentucky at Georgia (-8)- Although Kentucky has never brought an offense to Sanford Stadium as good as this one, Stafford and Moreno have been clicking as of late. Georgia beats UK by more than 8 and roots for the Commode Doors against Rocky Top.

Game of chance pick- shooting dice: 1-6 Georgia, 7-12 Kentucky. After a kiss off of the rail, I shot a Little Joe from Kokomo. Georgia the hardway is the play all the way around here. Tip your stickman.

Oklahoma State (-14.5) at Baylor- OSU needs this win to become bowl eligible with Oklahoma looming next week. Baylor stinks, as their only wins have come against Rice, Texas State and Buffalo. I'll take the Pokes.

Game of chance pick- the hotter chearleader google image search: Granted, this does have a subjective element to it, but I will look at the first five images that pop up and pick based on that. Here goes. Baylor yields a pasty girl doing a vag exposing contortionist routine, a girl with 24 exposures of film on her teeth, a DUDE, and an 11 year old. Cmon OSU, you can do better than that. Alright, Alright. The first pic is a curvy blonde vixon, the second is a flat girl next door type, and the others were less than impressive. Considering that OSU had at least two that were doable, I am going with the the Cowgirls to make it unanimous.

The 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse
BC at Clemson (-7.5)- Clemson
Hawaii at Nevada (+8)- Nevada
Iowa State (+26.5) at Kansas- Iowa State
LSU (-18.5) at Mississippi- LSU

Outro: Good and bad come mingled always. The long time winner is the man who is not unreasonably discouraged by persistent streaks of ill-fortune , nor at other times made reckless with the thought that he is fortune's darling. He keeps a cool head and trusts in simpler, more logical things like coin flips and google searches to prove the laws of probability exceed the capabilities of the human mind. Caveat emptor.

Derek Cheater

The man all of you Yankee fans would annoint as a saint if you could, Mr. Derek "I'm a Perfect Human Being" Jeter cheats on his taxes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a fraud.

Way #1,793 to make your wife mad

Getting arrested on your mid-day beer run to avoid getting stabbed in the face. I wonder where he is going to ride when his wife takes the John Deere down to the station to pick him up? Does that thing have a car seat for Junior? Junior "knows his rights."

What say you now Oregon fan?

With last nights loss and Dixon's injury, it is time to write DD out of the Heisman race. I think you already know who I think should win it. Since Dixon's numbers were statistically inferior to Tebow's, his Heisman hopes were inextricably bound to Oregon's Pac-10 and MNC title hopes. With all title hopes likely severed with one sharp DD cut in the first quarter, Dixon can kiss his Heisman hopes goodbye.

As compared to Tebow, the only thing that Dixon supporters had to cling to earlier was Oregon's won-loss record. Now with 2 losses, they can no longer say that Tebow is inferior to Dixon in any way. Both teams are out of the MNC hunt, both teams are likely to miss BCS games and both teams will probably finish in the 7-15 range in the polls. What we are left with is individual statistics, of which Tebow is comparably superior.

Any a$$hole who tries to make the argument that last night's loss should not be counted against Dixon's Heisman candidacy is a hypocrite and will serve as an advocate for the premise of my previous post. Before last night Oregon fans were counting Tebow's losses against him even though they could not be attributed to his play. You said that losses cannot support candidacy, they can only detract from it. I disagreed, but now you will be forced to defend the same criticisms you spewed. Before Dixon went down last night, we was looking electric; dare I say worthy of the award as the leader of a MNC contending team. Now that he has gone down and the team has lost, all that is left is a statistical body of work that pales in comparison. Unfair- yes. That was what I said and you shat on that. Enjoy crow. Trust me, the same thing would happen to UF if Tebow went down. Congrats on a great year Oregon and DD. Now go away. Every week a new candidate is dismissed, while one remains a constant.

It will be interesting to see who the hype machine contrives as the next contender. It is now incumbent upon Urban to make sure that Tebow brings this thing back to Gainesville. Out of respect for Tebow's contributions and for the sake of the program. Traditionally the award goes to the best player on one of the best teams. Perhaps this is the year that the award finally goes to the nation's best player regardless of team record or school class. This year there is no clear cut best team, only a clear cut best player.

Torrealbatross

A text I received from SYHD contributor Johnny Dakota regarding the Mets imminent signing of catcher Yorvit Torrealba:

"Hopefully, the Mets will build their new stadium in Denver so Torrealba can hit above .200. Great signing."

That pretty much sums everything up.

A Pet Peavy

Brandon Webb and Jake Peavy had seasons of remarkably similar value. I would have chosen Brandon Webb for Cy Young, but I can't really quibble with the choice of Peavy. The thing that astonished me is that Peavy won the Cy Young unanimously. I can not believe that NOT ONE of the 32 writers who voted thought that Webb had the better season.

Let's break it down:
ERA: Peavy posted a 2.54 ERA in one of baseball's friendliest environments for pitchers, while Webb had a 3.01 ERA in a hitters park. Park factors excluded this is essentially a wash.

Innings Pitched: In the same amount of starts, Webb pitched 13 more innings than Peavy this season. Not a huge deal, but that is 13 less innings of wear and tear on a bullpen. Minor advantage for Webb.

Strikeouts: Peavy struck out many more batters than Webb.

Walks: Webb walked 4 more guys in 13 more innings than Peavy. Walk rates: identical.

Wins (if you care about such things): Peavy-19 Webb-18. Insignificant difference.

Playoffs (again, if you care): Webb's D'Backs made the playoffs. Peavy's Padres missed them, largely because of his hideous performance in the play-in game against the Rockies.


You can't see daylight through the gap between these two men's 2007 performance. How does Peavy win in such a landslide?

More Irresponsible Journalism

Is it possible that Alex Rodriguez knows that his name is going to be mentioned in Senator Mitchell's report? That would explain his rush to re-sign with the Yankees, without really allowing the market to play itself out.

Interesting Isiah Quote

In the wake of the Knicks fourth straight loss, Isiah Thomas was deluged with questions about the Starbury situation. Now this could be the classic case of a quote being taken out of context, but on SNY this morning I heard Isiah say, "I've played with players I don't like and won with players I don't like." It seems to me that he is not so cryptically saying that he doesn't like Marbury. Again, this was just an excerpt of a longer statement, so there could have been a qualifier such as, "I like Stephon, but I've played with players I don't like..." or he could have just been talking in general about having to like the players on your team. However, the way the clip was cut it certainly seemed like Isiah was throwing Marbury under the bus.

(Editor's Note: Based on a comment I received, please allow me to clarify the above statement. I heard the quote in it's entirety as it aired, but I wonder if there was context to the quote which didn't make it to TV.)

Isiahello to My Little Friend!

The arched eyebrows. The cherubic face. The fade haircut. If Emmanuel Lewis were a few feet taller he'd be....



I hope someone else sees the resemblence and this doesn't turn into a Costanza/Morgan/Sugar Ray Leonard incident.

The Wallace-Wade Renegades

The college football game of the millenium of the week is actually in South Bend this week, and those crafty Dukies have created a website counting down the days. According to their calculations they are a safety better than the Irish.

http://www.dukesuperbowl.com/

Posada and Rivera

Jorge Posada just signed a 4 year, $52 million deal. Mariano Rivera appears close to returning to the Yankees for another 3 years at $45 million. Today Yankees fans celebrate. Two years from now, we will be praying that they go Cory Lidle on us.
These contracts are almost guaranteed to end badly. Both men are already defying the odds by dominating at their respective ages.

While Jorge Posada is coming off of his best season, at 35, it's a bit much to expect him to rack up huge numbers until he turns 40. Posada is my favorite current Yankee, but I probably would have let him walk if he asked for any more than a 3 year deal.

Mariano Rivera turns 38 in 2 weeks and started to show signs of slipping this season. Yet they are paying him like he is going to relive '04 to '06 in '08 to '10. Highly unlikely. Forget 2010; Mariano will not be worth $15 million next year. In fact, I would be very surprised if we ever get more than one more vintage Mariano season.

I can live with the Posada deal, although it's a year too long. The likely Rivera deal is bat-shit crazy.

Eight Overrated Ladies of the Eighties (#4)

4) Dolly Parton/ Madonna. Admittedly this is cheap. I hate when other lists try to shoehorn 15 things into a top 10. My explanation: I originally had Dolly Parton penciled in for the #4 spot, but then Mookie reminded me of Madonna. I had originally left Madonna off of the list for reasons I will explain a little later. Then I began to find some holes in my choice of Dolly Parton. So I combined them into one number. I promise that there won't be anymore 2 for 1s from here on out.

4a) Dolly Parton- She is the ultimate one feature pony. I've always been of the opinion that no single feature, no matter how exceptional, can carry an otherwise ordinary broad to beauty. Without the knockers she would have been a mildly attractive Tennessee house frau. That's probably terribly unfair being that she has as distinctive a voice as any American artist in...ever. However female celebrities are judged almost entirely on physical appearance. Give her average breasts and she immediately goes from a 9 to 5. (Get it? Like the movie! See she was in a movie called 9 to 5, referencing common workplace hours. I just said that without big boobies she would go from a 9 to 5 on the common 1 to 10 scale that women are rated on. Do you see what I did there?! I took "9 to 5" from one context and placed into a completely unrelated one. I did that on purpose, so that you would see how clever I am.)

My major qualm about including her on this list was that Dolly Parton was as much a 70s icon as an 80s icon. That inconveinent truth doesn't really jive with my premise that standards of beauty were ignored in the 80s. So now we are in the bonus..

4b) Madonna- I added Madonna on the list for two reasons; Mookie's suggestion and the inherent flaws with my original 4 seed. Mookie feel free to make your anti-Madonna case in the comments section, as I don't feel that strongly about this one.
The woman certainly isn't/wasn't a beauty queen, but I don't think the whole Madonna craze was about her knock out appearance. It was more about proudly slutting it up for the world.

This has undoubtedly been my weakest post in the Overrated series and so it shall remain. The top 3 are truly a cut above the rest.

He15man- Thank you for the Seque, Mookie

What follows is so far beyond man crush that it can be categorized as man love. I have decided who should win the Heisman trophy. His name is Tim Tebow and he is undoubtedly the best player in the country.

The only other player I will even entertain an argument regarding is Dennis Dixon.

Lets take a look at how they compare.

Dixon Passing- 167 for 246= 67.9 comp percentage. 2074 yds. 20/3 TD to int. 8.4 per attempt. 163.1 passer rating. Rushing- 103 carries for 549 yards= 5.3 avg. 8 TD’s.

Tebow Passing- 173 for 255= 67.8 comp percentage. 2,532 yards. 23/5 td to int. 9.9 yds per attempt. 177.1 passer rating. Rushing- 170 carries for 718 yards= 4.2 avg. 19 tds.

Same completion percentage similar number of attempts. Tebow has a game and a half more of yards and a game more passing TD’s, although UF has played one more game than Oregon. He holds a much higher rating because his yards per attempt are more (which partially debunks the inevitable critique the uneducated voter will throw out- Florida doesn’t go down the field, they only throw short passes and the playmakers get yards). Where Tebow wins the Heisman is not on yards or stats though, it is on points. The guy has accounted for 42 TDs compared to 28. The Gators have gained 4502 total offensive yards this season. Tim Tebow has accounted for 3250 of them. That equals 72.19%. You tell me who means more to their team? Granted, I don’t know the first thing about Oregon, but I do know that if push comes to shove they can lean on future first round draft pick Stewart to tote the rock. Tebow has no such option. Teams have to gameplan to stop the run against Stewart, and as such Dixon has coverage advantages in the secondary. When they do stop the pass, Dixon gets a great deal of yards off of scramble plays. On the contrary, Tebows runs are mostly option or designed draw plays, as he is UF's only real running threat. Sure he has Harvin and Caldwell, but those guys have truly yet to show that they can take over a 4th quarter of a game. Especially when it comes to getting tough yards that keep drives alive. My point there is that it helps Dixon a heck of a lot more to have Stewart than it does UF to have its great WRs, even if they will be first day draft picks.

To detractors who might not want to give Tebow credit for having so many rushing touchdowns because he is UF's short yardage back and Dixon is not Oregon's I say: Oregon doesn't give the ball to Dixon in short yardage because they have better options. UF on the other hand, does not. It relies on Tebow in short yardage because he is their best short yardage player and most reliable ball carrier. They don't hand the ball off to others because they would not get the same result as if Tebow were running. They give him the ball in those situations out of trust, necessity and respect for his abilities. For a voter to overlook that as meaningless is an oversight and truly a testament to a lack of knowledge of the game of football. Short yardage plays are gut checks; they are the margin plays of football (see for example UF's loss this year to LSU). To have a player on your team that consistently gains the "heart" or "toughness" yards is a the benchmark of his value to the team. If anything, this component should be an x-factor that will serve to differentiate two comparable candidates.

Anyone who calls out Tebow's 2 more interceptions probably doesn’t recognize that 3-4 of his picks were not his fault. (2 Riley Cooper wrong routes, one ball off of CI’s helmet running the wrong route, and one ball where Fayson did not make a play on the ball). Yes, Tim Tebow has made 1-2 mistakes this year. Shocking, I know.

If you want to critique wins and losses, lets do it. Tebow’s team has 3 losses. What happened in those three loses? Tebow had 276 yards of total offense against Auburn, despite having plays called by a man still on drugs from emergency surgery 12 hours earlier. That was by far Tebow’s worst game, but he also had the least help in that game. If memory serves me, UF ran something like only 50 plays. He still threw for a TD and ran for a TD. The Gators were a blocked field goal, one particularly bad series of play calling and a shanked punt away from squeaking that game out. That loss was a team loss, certainly not one I could pin on Timmy’s shoulders at all. Gators win that game and this discussion is over. BUT, they didn’t, so I must continue.

LSU game- anyone who watched the game knew that it came down to the Gators inability to stop LSU on critical defensive plays. Tebow was the only reason UF was in that game to begin with, so I will not put that loss on him in any way. Georgia game- UF squeezed out a 42 point turd defensively and Tebow was sacked six times. Oh did I mention that he still accounted for 3 TD’s (one rushing) despite having a shoulder that needed multiple shots of numbing agents before the game? To synthesize, the Gators losses are IN NO WAY the fault of Tim Tebow. To fault him is particularly unfair. You cant say the same for McFadden, Ryan, etc… In every big game, McFadden shows up with 75yds or less, and Ryan is always good for 3 picks. Dixon may be a baller, but he is no Tim Tebow. If you don't believe that, take a survey of college coaches and ask them who they would want as their guy. 98% say Tebow and 100% say Tebow if survey is anonymous.

It will make me f*cking sick if people look at UF's losses as a reason why Tebow shouldn't win this award. UF is not a bad team. UF in all likelihood will end up a Top 10 team and playing on a New Years Day bowl. Going down to the last week of conference play, it is still contending for a shot to go to the championship game for the toughest conference in the country and why???????????? Because of Tim Tebow. Just because it has 3 losses does not mean that the year was a bust. UF has played competitively in all three losses and will finish with a damn respectable record. If they played Oregon or Oregon's competition, UF would probably F them up and they would do it because they have never seen or do not know how to defend a player like Tim Tebow. Man, I'm not even going to get into the whole SEC defenses vs. PAC-10 defenses. That point is stale and not worth my time restating it. It is in stone.

The fact of the matter is, at this point he is probably already the best player to ever put on the UF uniform. This is coming from a guy who has been to probably 70+ Gator games in my life. Gator football is in my blood, so yes, I am a qualified opinion. He will break the NCAA single season most rushing TD by a QB record, he will put up 50 total TDs before all is said and done, and he will have the best passer rating in the country. I don't even need to get into all of the SEC and school records he has already destroyed in only his 10th start in college yet do I? Lets face it, if he continues at this pace (which I have no reason to think that a kid who is grounded in God and family and has the best work ethic of an athlete I have ever seen) and stays 2 more years (doubtful, I know) he could wind up as the best player to ever play college football. I am dead serious when I say that. Plain and simple, the kid is better than Vick, better than Young and time will prove that. He broke every Florida high school passing record and is shredding SEC defenses throwing the ball. That is something neither Vince nor Vick have ever proved they can do consistently. The kid has taken every huge expectation we had for him and obliterated it. Tim Tebow has always done everything we have asked of him and more. He is a first class player and a top notch human being. There is no one I would rather have on my team. If I had to suffer through 6 losses this year just to see Tim Tebow be the quarterback week in and week out, I would gladly do it. You tell me, Heisman voter, how you don’t award a kid like that? If any other player receives first place votes, I swear that voter has not watched two Gator games. Any two. Timmy does it week in and week out in the best conference in the country. He ALWAYS shows up, even if others don't.

I promise you all right here and right now that I will bring furious rage and destruction upon my television if I watch that ceremony and he does not win. The sad thing is that because he is a sophomore and plays on a team whose defense often plays like the teenagers they are, he will likely not get the award. I see it coming now, and I am livid about it.

This is not a homer opinion, this is an analysis from a fan of college football. Please feel free to add or detract from this analysis. Really, someone who knows more about Dennis Dixon, please try to convince me why he deserves it more than Tim.

My Head is About to Explode

Dick Vitale is an unabashed fan of Duke, Notre Dame, the Yankees and the Patriots (I can only assume), America, the Nazis (if he lived in Germany pre-WWII), God, and any other team or being that has has supreme power, resources, and success. I hate Dick Vitale. His schitck is old and for once, just once, can he actually criticize a player or coach for a mistake?

Vitale was on Mike and Mike this morning talking about college football, waxing on Notre Dame, taking painstaking precision not to lay blame on anyone. Then he quickly switches topics as he is prone to do and proclaims that when all is said and done, Tim Tebow will be the best player in the history of college football (or something like that).

How do I reconcile my almost sexual love of Tebow with my undying hatred of Vitale? Do I have to give Vitale a grace period before I start despising him again? How do I live with myself for actually agreeing with Vitale for once. Just a few days ago, I was telling friends that Tebow will go down as the best player in Florida Football history (sorry Sex Cannon). Now it might be a bit of a stretch to think that he will be the greatest player in the history of the sport, it's not outlandish considering how he has played this year as a true soph.

I hope I never agree with Vitale again.

The Friday Six-Pack- Red Dog edition

Intro: The real world has bitch slapped me today, so I feed you the Six Pack for consumption only by funnel. Zima's went down smooth last week as I went 6-3-1, bringing my totals for the year to 30-29-1. Roper didnt put out.

The Roper: Kentucky -3.5 at Vandy.

No better way to feel good about yourself than to beat up the neighborhood nerd. Some things never change. Personally, I just hope none of those gentle, enlightened kids get hurt. Loser has to funnel sour mash.

The Pick: Kentucky 34, Vandy 20

The Lady Bowerbird

USC (-4) at California- Pete Caroll threatens to take out taxes from their paychecks and reduce performance bonuses if the Trojans dont start covering. If that is not motivation, I dont know what is my nige. USC wins by enough.

Florida (-6.5) at South Carolina- Okay, I’m going to bet on god's team. This inevitably will cost me money. Florida covers.

The Hymen

Alabama (-4.5) at Mississippi State- I feel like I should care about this game, but I don’t. So best of luck to both teams…and hopefully Bama wins and covers.

Arkansas (PK) at Tennessee- He's a joker, he's a smoker, he's LaMarcus Coker...0-4 on piss tests in two years. Bravo, young man. Enjoy ketchup sandwiches and diluted tang for the rest of your life. I wonder if McFadden ever ponders how with 85 scholarships they only got two good players. I mean, seriously, is Casey Dick the best QB they have at Arkansas? You mean to tell me that there isn't some Kappa Alpha type somewhere on campus who can throw a post corner to get at least one of those eleven men out of the box? Fake an injury Darren, it ain’t worth it. Mookie needs you next year. Somehow McFadden carries Arkansas to the win again this week.

Virginia at Miami (-4)- Miami sucks, but I never bet against the subplot. The OB will be rocking at night in its last game with thuggeration at its highest. Besides, I absolutely cannot stand a team that can read and play football, and Miami does not have that problem. DA U supersoaks those hoes.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Illinois (+15.5) at Ohio State- Picking the Zooker on the road late in the year against the #1 team in the country makes perfect sense in a year where nothing makes sense. Bizzarro pick all the way. Zooker stays within.

Connecticut (+6) at Cincinnati- These Huskies might not suck. I'll be damned. Khalid Al-Amin must be getting so fat from this winning streak. Have another frosty, tubalub.

Arizona State (-7) at UCLA- UCLA can't stand to score more points than the other team. Beelzebub wins again.

Kansas at Oklahoma State (+6)- Kansas fans got all excited last week so we all know what happens now…

Outro: Gambling is a bottomless pit. A machine in which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. So here is to another week of giving up my skin at the hopes of retaining my bones.

How I Imagine Sean Salisbury Would Respond to the Question "What time is it?"

Salisbury would unironically say "It's half past a cow's ass". The dumb smirk on his face would indicate that he honestly believed that he burned you good.

John Olerud, Fashion Plate?

ESPN is reporting that MLB GM's have voted to make base coaches wear helmets on the field next season. Who would have thought that Johnny Mushead would have been ahead of the curve on this one? What silliness.

Outing Myself

When did I turn into such a queen? I use this blog to cattily out athletes and focus on the flaws of otherwise attractive female celebrities. The only thing separates me from the guy pictured above is my lack of an audience.

The Definition of a Non-Story

Wake me up when he is dead.

RJ: Straight Shooter?

Rumors abound that he may be funny. Not funny ha-ha, funny queer. Nevertheless Richard Jefferson is playing unbelievable basketball right now.

Ironically, this was the first season that Nets fans (being that I make up 12.5% of them, I feel comfortable speaking for Nets fans) had given up hope that Jefferson would ever graduate from world-class 3rd banana to All-Star. He has scored 25.8 and led the Nets in scoring every game thus far. His shooting has been the biggest difference. He is hitting over 50% from the floor and making half of his threes. He is also 34 for 35 on the free throw line. Obviously it's waaaaaaaaay early. However if those shooting improvements are even partly for real, the Nets suddenly become a very dangerous team...

...provided that they finally give up on Jason Collins. Heavens to Betsy, the man has played 22 minutes a night and is averaging 0.5 points and 2.8 rebounds! He has 1 assist and has yet to block a shot on the season. To call Collins worthless would be to imply that he has no value. That would be overstating what he does for the Nets. Every time he steps on the court, points are being thrown in the garbage. He has to have pictures of RJ and Lawrence Frank making out. Otherwise Frank would be divvying up his minutes between Jamaal Magloire and Josh Boone and maybe even seeing what Sean Williams brings to the table.

Eight Overrated Ladies of the Eighties (#5)

5) Isabella Rossellini- If you thought I was going to get through this list without trashing an Italian, you don't know me very well. A head-on look at Isabella indicates that she is a pretty attractive broad. If you really want to pick nits, you could say her face is disproportionately wide.

Rossellini's major flaw only becomes apparent when you see her profile. The woman has an unsightly hook nose. A buzzard's beak like that should be tearing through wildebeest carcasses, not (dis)gracing the covers of Vogue and Cosmo.

Somehow, some people made the claim that she was one of the most beautiful women in the world. She appeared on the cover of every other magazine in the 80s. I recall an episode of Friends in which Ross and Chandler discussed whether she belonged on their Top 10 lists. Really? What am I missing here?

I'm not going to lie; Rossellini's scenes in Blue Velvet are super-hot. But I'm a sucker for a chick getting railed at knifepoint by a nitrous-huffing sociopath. It doesn't really matter who she is.

The Big Four

The Celtics might have their big three. Oh wow I'm really scared. I mean, I'm just shaking in my Uggs over here. Why the lack of fear for Garnett, Allen, and Pierce? Well after tonight I can declare with 7% confidence that the Knicks have a big four! Curry, Randolph, Starbury, and Crawford all scored over 20 pts in an impressive 119-112 win over the Nuggets. Who needs defense when you can score at will? Though the Knicks will still probably end up stinking at least it will be fun to watch them lose this year.

Trying to Regain Blogging Credibility

Today, Don Shula proclaimed that an asterisk should be placed next to the Patriots 19-0 record if the Pats were to finish the season undefeated. What in the name of Larry Csonka are you talking about, you self-preservationist father of coaching failures.


Shula’s asterisk idea reeks of sour grapes. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt that the Pats gained an advantage over the Jets in Week 1 by videotaping their signals (this is a big IF considering the fact that the Pats did not even have time to view the tape), do you honestly think for a minute that the 1-1,457 Jets would have beaten the 9,000-0 Pats? I didn’t think so. So any advantage gained by the Pats is certainly negligible when coupling the Pats awesomeness at scoring points with the Jets bend but break defense. ("Bend but break defense" is a registered copyright of SYHD.) Furthermore since Week 1, the League and the media have placed the Pats coaching staff under the microscope making it highly unlikely that they have been partaking in further chicanery.

Does Shula believe that past video taping gave the Pats a distinct advantage over the teams they have played? I know I'm putting words in his mouth, but I'm trying to figure out how the Pats taping of signals effected this year's win-loss total. I'm sure that every team the Pats have played this year have changed their signals from their last meeting significantly, thus negating any perceived advantage the Pats may have had.

I don't see any logical argument for placing an asterisk next to the Pats record. Hey Shula, I truly hope you choke on a NY Strip while dining at one of your steak houses as the Pats culminate their undefeated season by raising the Rozelle Trophy. Wow, somehow you have made a Jets fan almost want to root for the Pats.

My Least Favorite Topic: Steroids in Baseball

Add Jose Guillen, Matt Williams, and Ismael Valdes to the list of steroid users. I hope Senator Mitchell's report shows that every single player has been on steroids since the '94 strike. I don't need heroes. I just want a level playing field.

A couple of years ago, Jose Guillen got all indignant over his fellow Hispanic ballplayers saying they didn't know they were taking banned substances. At the time I remember thinking that perhaps he protested a bit too much. Too bad I didn't have a blog then to document my suspicions.

Making Fun of Mookie

Mookie, you are so gullible, you make George McFly look downright skeptical in comparison. Are you still waiting for Sidd Finch's big league debut?

A Brady Bunch of Trouble

I just heard on the radio (it was Opie and Anthony so take it with a grain of salt) that Tom Brady failed a drug test and will be suspended for four games. This is nothing more than a rumor right now, but if true it would be off the charts schadenfreude.

Note: This story has been confirmed as a radio prank. I'm a sucker.

Big Daddy Drew Writes Like a Stud

A Gregg Easterbrook send up featuring Rich Kotite and Louis Aguiar references. What more can you ask for?

I have to admit though that while I love Easterbrook parodies, I love reading Tuesday Morning Quarterback. My life goal is to reach the level of smugness and pomposity he displays every Tuesday on espn.com. I'm 100% serious.

And All That Good Stuff

Excuse me for my third Jet related post in a row, but it is football season.

While listening to the Jets pregame show this past Sunday a commentator whose name I did not catch was discussing the Pittsburgh Steelers and Big Ben Homothug. When discussing Homothug's struggles last season, the commentator stated that Ben "had to deal with the motorcycle accident and all that good stuff..." I'd hate to see what he considers to be bad stuff.

Ganja Green

The Big Lead is reporting that a certain Jet player has been frequenting a Melville, Long Island strip club. I hope the shock of that statement didn't cause you to drop your monocle. This player apparently reeks of mary jane and is a bad tipper. I can't think of any hippie Jews on the roster, so your guess as to who they are alluding to is as good as mine. Click here for the story.

Making a Kellen

Jets fans are prone to getting ahead of themselves. I think the Mangenius moniker was a little premature, but I'm not one to learn a lesson. If a Jet fan can't get ahead of himself then when can he get excited about anything? With that being said, I'm ready to anoint Kellen Clemens as the best quarterback in the New York.

What about Eli Manning you say? Eli Manning stinks. While he possesses a cannon for an arm, he is not an accurate passer, does not make good decisions, and has the pocket presence of a pair of Umbros. If it weren't for Plexiglass Burress plucking Eli's 500 balls out of the air, he would have plenty of games like this guy. The look on his face after he throws one of his trademark shoelace slants is that of a eight year old kid who was just told that he can't have a third helping of ice cream. At times he seems completely disinterested in playing football. Maybe he really would be rather playing squash.

Clemens has shown me a lot in his two starts. Both starts were against aggressive, blitzing defenses with stand out secondaries. Yes, I understand that Washington just had 50 points hung on their red skins, but games against New England shouldn't count against a teams stats.
He had the team in position to win both games and if his receivers didn't suddenly develop the hands of Venus De Milo (the sculpture not the actress from "Salute Your Shorts") he could easily be 1-1 or 2-0. Yesterday alone Jet receivers dropped 5 balls that would have most likely resulted in points, including a drop by Cotchery on 3rd down in OT that would have put the Jets in FG range. Clemens' performance is even more impressive when taking into account that he had no running game to support him and he was without the services of Laveraneus Coles, the teams best receiver.

He isn't made out of the combined semen of Elway, Montana, and Cunningham, but his combination of arm strength, accuracy, and mobility are good enough to make for a very effective QB. For the first time in a long time, the Jets have a QB who can not only not lose games, but actually win games. (You may need to read that convoluted sentence twice.) He has the ability to throw the ball down field and can properly zip the ball on out routes. On several 3rd and longs he completed several passes for 1st downs, which is something Pennington could not do barring a great individual effort by a receiver or a coverage
breakdown. Finally, opposing defenses have to respect the Jets ability to stretch the field.

I hate to discuss unquantifiable intangibles, but Clemens has somethings that Eli lacks. He has a better pocket presence and command of the huddle than the youngest Manning and these are traits that cannot be taught. While Eli still makes decisions and has the mannerisms of a young QB, Clemens carries himself like a veteran. He showed poise in the face of blitzes and made very good decisions throughout the game. Clemens didn't rush or force the action, but made plays when he had to, like the 20 yd 3rd down completion to McCareins after the pocket broke down.

So I'm willing to lay down the gauntlet. Kellen Clemens will have better statistics than Eli Manning through the end of the season.

Enough Already, Joe

"The Dodgers were always special and I certainly expect the Dodgers will always be special," Joe Torre said at today's press conference. "I get choked up." Torre grew up a Giants fan. Presumably that means that he hated both the Dodgers and Yankees as a child. He has spent the past twelve years talking about how special it is to be a Yankees manager and now he is choked up about being a part of the Dodger organization. I'm still fond of the man, but Torre is showing himself to be a bit of a phony. He would get misty about managing the Montgomery Biscuits.

The YES Network's 2008 Marketing Campaign Just Leaked

Apparently the creative direction of the YES network's 2008 promotional commercials was the last major decision made by George Steinbrenner before handing the reigns of the evil empire over to his son, Hank. The New York Post reported today that Mattingly was adamantly against airing these commercials during the season, while Giradi loved the energy and pizazz communicated in the spots. Maybe that was the difference maker in the recent managerial decision? So without further ado, the new promotional commercial for the YES network (unedited):

The Friday Six Pack-Zima edition

Intro- Sorry for the delay in posting. I have come down with some variant of the Singapore dick slug that had me up all night long selling Buicks. Since I have been nothing short of dogshit on the year (24-26 but 5-0 on the Roper), we are going to mix things up a bit this week. I have surveyed a handful of self proclaimed football savvy women to assist me in handicapping games using criteria important only to them.

The Helen Roper- named after the sexually frustrated wife of Stanley Roper on the 70’s slapstick sitcom Three’s Company. Helen Roper was a sure thing.

Vanderbilt (+15) at Florida- Anderson Cooper is like so hot right now. I mean, he has won Grammy’s for his work covering breaking news stories important to New Yorkers and others. I know he is totally gay, but those blue eyes make him so dreamy. I'm not even mad that he is becoming so famous, because I was all over him before he became a regular in Star magazine. I didn't even care about his premature graying. It proved to me that he is really sensitive. I once read that as a child he had dyslexia, so I know that we could discuss at length the pressures of remaining skinny and fit for our men. Anderson's mom is Gloria Vanderbilt, so I will pick her team.

The Pick: Vanderbilt (+15)

The Lady Bowerbird- named after the female Bowerbird who goes from elaborate bower to bower, ultimately selecting the male who builds the most ornate bower to mate with. With a little hard work, the Lady Bowerbird is a sure thing.

Missouri (-4) at Colorado- A few years back on spring break in South Padre, this crunchy group of girls from Colorado were so loud and obnoxious over dinner that my sorority sisters and I could not even enjoy our sushi rolls. Then one of my sisters overheard them in the bathroom talking shit about another one of my sister’s outfit. Like who are they? You are on spring break and you are wearing a North Face. Brrr, its so cold down here in South Texas, or wherever it is. Just eat your granola roll and like leave us alone. When we saw them out at the bar we ended up getting into this big screaming match with them after they tried to dance on the bar at the same time we did. If I hadn’t gotten kicked out for underage drinking, I swear I was going to slap one of them in their vegan face. I think one of our guy friends ended up getting HPV from them. Ever since then, I don’t like Colorado girls. I will pick Missouri (-4).

LSU (-7) at Alabama- I read this study that tested the hypothesis that reminders of a woman's menstrual status lead to more negative reactions to her and increased objectification of women in general. Participants interacted with a female confederate who ostensibly accidentally dropped either a tampon or hair clip out of her handbag. Dropping the tampon led to lower evaluations of the confederate's competence, decreased liking for her, and a marginal tendency to avoid sitting close to her. In a rivalry game like this, I think that LSU will not want to be nice to Alabama, and they will say mean things about the Crimson Tide being on their period. Alabama will not play good because of this. I will pick LSU (-7).

The Hymen- need I explain? Far from a sure thing, but certainly penetrable.

Arizona State at Oregon (-7)- Awww, who could root against the cute Duckies? Quack, quack, lol. Besides, Emilio Estevez is my favorite actor and I loved him in The Mighty Ducks. My pick looks like a duck, walks like a duck and swims like a duck (-7)!

Nebraska (+19) at Kansas- Theory just came out with this pleated, panya style wool jacket that buttons down with a tie waist that I want soooooooooo bad! Theory always does well with red in their fall line. I will take Nebraska (+19).

Navy at Notre Dame (-3.5)- Didn’t that darling Brady Quinn used to play for Notre Dame? I’m not sure who their new quarterback is [editors note: neither are we], but I’m sure I’d like to borrow the chapstick he is wearing. Notre Dame QB’s are the cause of global warming. I will take Notre Dame to cover the spread.

Since we here at SYHD can’t get drunk off of a six-pack, we offer a shot of 4 horsemen of the apocalypse guaranteed to leave you with a hangover. Much like shooting a 4 horsemen, there is no rhyme or reason as to why we make these picks, and there certainly is no explanation. [winners in bold]

Iowa (+1) at Northwestern
Florida State (+6.5) at Boston College
Minnesota at Illinois (-11.5)
Texas A&M at Oklahoma (-21)

Reid it and Weep

So Judge Killjoy is shutting down Club Reid. What a stick in the mud!

Anyway Garrett Reid said "I don't want to be that kid who was the son of the head coach of the Eagles, who was spoiled and on drugs and OD'd and just faded into oblivion." Oddly that is almost EXACTLY what I want to be. Way to shit on my dream, buddy.

Discussing the Yankees

Once and for all, my take on the past several weeks for the Yankees

1. Good riddance, Joe Torre. And for anybody who says it's going to be weird seeing him in another uniform, get a hold of yourself. Torre didn't have any association with the Yankees until his mid-50s. He had worn several different jerseys for the previous 35 years. Let's not make him Mr. Yankee. Oh and $5 million is an insult? Why isn't anybody giving him shit for being a money hungry jerk?
2. Welcome, Joe Girardi. He was a good choice. Girardi has played with several of the Yankees veterans (particularly 3 key potential free agents). He was with the team as an announcer this year, so he is familiar with the new guys. He did a good job with a bunch of youngsters last year in Florida and he inherits a Yankees team going through a bit of a youth movement. It just makes sense on a lot of counts.
3. Farewell, A-Rod. I have devoted more doting words to Alex Rodriguez on this site than any other topic. I don't blame him at all for opting out of his contract. He was treated like shit in New York. My mother always told me "Loyalty is a two way street".* A-Rod didn't get any from Yankees fans and he didn't show any in return. I will cheer for him to go 4 for 4 every time he comes to New York and for his team to lose.
4. The Yankees absolutely must resign Posada and Pettitte. They should resign Rivera too, but if someone else offers him a 3 year deal they should let him walk.

* I have never actually heard my mother utter the phrase "Loyalty is a two way street". However, such a sentiment was probably a theme of many of my childhood and adolescent lessons. I don't remember. It was kind of a long time ago.

We Continue to Not Discuss the Yankees

"Playing grabass" and walking up and grabbing someone's ass are two totally different things.

Anyone care to field this inquiry?

SYHD loyal reader, Saul, a 74 year old retired arborist from Naples, FL, via Marlborough, NH writes: As we prepare for an exciting off season in baseball, is there any truth to the local rumors that the DRays and the Marlins are set to get in a bidding war over the services of A-Rod? Also, can you please assess the chances either S. Florida baseball team puts together a package to trade for Johan Santana?