Oh really, Rickey? You still want to play?

So Rickey Henderson is mulling a comeback after being inspired by the Rocket's return. The 48 year old Henderson stated "I’m going to look at it at the end of the year. I might come out with some crazy stuff, a press conference telling every club, ‘Put me on the field with your best player and see if I come out of it.’ If I can’t do it, I’ll call it quits at the end.”

Now, Rickey may be fooling the casual fan into thinking that he spontaneously became inspired to return just this past week, but i just ain't buyin' it. This is a man that has been yearning to play in the major leagues for the past 3 seasons. He played with the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the Golden Baseball League, a Class-A independent league, in 2005. In fact, the man was insisting in May 2005, that he was still capable of playing in the majors. He'd cut his taint off for the opportunity to be in the major leagues, and he's trying to convince us that he's doing baseball a favor by coming back.

Rickey Henderson, if anything, is opportunistic. He seized a pretty good opportunity to create some publicity for himself. But Rickey, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people, pal.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Fear the Camel Clutch
No one is safe from its grasp
Michael Richards you're next

a Byrd of its own feather

Lets put an end to the debate about just how Marlon Byrd has affected Major League Baseball. There's almost a John Cena-esque split among baseball most hardcore fans - half of them saying that Marlon Byrd will lead us to baseball's downfall, with the other half endlessly praising Byrd's every passing of wind as if it were the Emancipation Proclamation.

Facts are facts, people. Baseball attendance has risen EVERY YEAR since Byrd has joined the major leagues. Every. Single. Year. Lets never question Byrd's prominent place in sports history again, okay, people?

The Education of Deron

This is gripping stuff, people. Even if you could care less about the inhabitants of the Bay Area and Utah. Deron Williams (who had two fouls in the first minute!) is icey-water-in-veins guy for life, backing down Baron Davis like an overweight Uncle does to his nephews at a BBQ. Can you think of another draft that produced two point guards like Chris Paul and Deron Williams? I can't...The Atlanta Hawks and their nine swingmen are a total mess and they missed on this twice! THE NBA PLAYOFFS: WHO KNEW?

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Never attempt to
Expose a turnbuckle for
It always backfires.

A Pet Peeve

A major pet peeve of mine is when home plate umpires wait a few beats before calling a strike. It is just unbelievably frustrating to have to wait that extra second or two to know whether a pitch on the corner is ball or strike. It's not like the ump has that much to think about. Calling balls and strikes is a split second reactionary decision. 99.9% the ump knows what he's going to call as soon as that ball crosses the plate. An ump who pauses before making the call is bringing attention to himself, interrupting the flow of the game, and bugging the bejesus out of every fan in attendance and watching at home.

Down in the Dempsey

Apparently former major league catcher and current Baltimore Orioles pre- and postgame commentator Rick Dempsey thinks that domestic violence is comedic gold. Here is the exchange he had with the wife of Oriole Jay Gibbons when she came into the booth to promote a fundraiser fighting domestic violence:

• Dempsey: "Laura, will this kind of help Jay in the domestic violence area? If he doesn't start getting a few more hits, you might grab him around the neck and rough him up a little bit. [Is] this money going to go to help him a little bit with maybe some of the hospital bills or something like that?"

• Giuliani: "I don't know, Rick. I don't think I'm encouraging that. I'm definitely not -"

• Dempsey: "Not going there?"

• Giuliani: "Nope, not going there."

• Dempsey: "All right, I'll domestically violate him if he doesn't start getting some more hits."

Now there is a time and a place for making domestic violence jokes, like out on the golf course or on Mother's Day, but a live baseball broadcast is probably not one of them. Luckily this blog is one of those places. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.

(Transcript courtesy of the Baltimore Sun)

Pun of the Day

Apparently the Philadelphia Eagles left Donovan McNabb out in the Kolb when it came to their draft decision making. The Eagles QB was shocked that the franchise McNabbed a QB so early in the draft.

Barry Bonds on Wake Up San Francisco

I was wondering what it would be like if Barry Bonds, in the midst of his chase for the home run record, appeared on the Bay Area's most popular morning show, "Wake Up San Francisco." I think it would go a little something like this (cue the laugh track):

Intro to Wake Up San Francisco

Danny Tanner: Hello, everybody, it’s time to wake up, San Francisco. I’m Danny Tanner

Becky Donaldson: And I’m Rebecca Donaldson. We have a great show for you today. San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds is here, as well as our old friend Joey Gladstone.

Danny: Barry Bonds’s quest for the all-time home run record is the top sports story in the nation. We are extremely lucky and excited to have our local hero join us today. Let’s all give a warm welcome to Barry Bonds.

(Polite applause as Bonds enters with a Louisville Slugger)

Danny: Welcome Barry!

Barry Bonds: Thanks Danny. Nice tie (Danny is wearing a particularly hideous pasley tie)

Danny: So, congrats on moving within ten home runs of the record. How does that feel?

Barry: Well, it…

Becky (cuts Barry off): Mr. Bonds, have you or have you not used performance enhancing drugs?

Danny (now with a pale look on his face and nervously loosening his tie): Becky, this is neither the time nor the place. Mr. Bonds has graciously accepted our invitation to come on the show under the pretenses that we wouldn’t ask the tough questions.

Becky: Sorry Danny, but this is what inquiring minds want to know. Plus I want an Emmy award to put on the trophy case right next to Jesse’s Japanese Grammy.

Barry (his voice now with even greater feminine inflection): Well Becky, I’m not going to address that issue right now. Danny, can we go to some carefully screened callers?

Danny: That’s a great idea. Alright we have Michelle on the line. What’s up Michelle?

Michelle: Daddy, the doggie ate my ice scweam.

(Studio Audience "awwws" in unison)

Danny (with an embarrassed grin): Michelle honey, now is not the time. We’ll work this out when I get home. Ok next caller….

(Before the next caller is cued, Joey with Mr. Woodchuck in tow comes out onto the stage- to a decisively muted reaction)

Joey Gladstone: Hey everyone!

(Bonds begrudgingly acknowledges him)

Danny: Joey, what are you and Mr. Woodchuck doing out here?? You're not on until the third segment.

Mr. Woodchuck (turns to Joey): Let me take this one. Well Danny, I’m a big Barry Bonds fan and I’ve always wanted to meet him.

(Mr. Woodchuck and a slightly amused Bonds shake hands)

Mr. Woodchuck (upon noticing Bonds’s bat): Excuse me Mr. Bonds, is that bat made of…(looks in both directions)…WOOD?!?!

(Mr. Woodchuck then goes after the bat. Bonds tries to wrestle the bat away from him. Chaos ensues.)

Joey (turns to the camera): Hey, Mr. Woodchuck, cut…it…out.

Danny (looking like he is about to have a stroke): We’ll be right back after this quick commercial break.

END SCENE

Andy's Wife Not Too Pettitte

Andy Pettitte, you are a major league baseball player. You have made millions upon millions of dollars in your life. How in the world do you come home to that every night? Pencil pushers making $40K/year pull better tail than that. I have hooked up with better looking girls than that and I'm a worse closer than Armando Benitez in the playoffs. I know he is devoutly religious, she probably has a kicking personality, and they were high school sweethearts, but the lefty is in serious need of an upgrade. I thought the whole purpose of being a multimillionaire professional athlete was to be able to land a trophy wife. Mrs. Pettitte is truly the Mendoza Line for wives of male professional athletes (except for pro bowlers and figure skaters)

(Thanks to reader Chief Sticky Back for the tip)

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Barry Horowitz

Compensates for lack of heat

By patting his back.

Fat Dizzle Dancin' Machine

We have the pleasure of showing you footage of SYHD's own Fat Dizzle at Fenway Park dancing like no one's watching. Unfortunately for him, many people were watching, including one dude with a camera phone.



(Thanks to the Big Lead)

The Hills Have Some New Topography

C-list reality star of MTV's The Hills, Heidi Montag was "spotted" showing off her new...uhhh....bikini.

The "candid" pictures of her frolicking with her boyfriend Spencer (who ranks right below Jeff from Saved by the Bell on the Douchebag Boyfriend Hierarchy) are transparently staged, but would we expect anything else from Speidi?

Clearly though she does not wish to heidi her new assets. They are going to go a long way in helping her score that inevitable "Girls of MTV" Playboy spread in a few years.

Johnny Dakota, is there any way we can get Hills Season 1 co-star Brian Drolet to comment on this situation?

The Blaine of My Existence

Who decided to put David Blaine in these horrendous new ads for the NBA playoffs? If you were lucky enough to miss them- they have uber-geek/magician Blaine explaining great NBA plays through completely unrelated, superimposed magic tricks. Entirely nonsensical, they cant be entertaining to anyone that actually watches pro basketball. No one outside of the geek/dweeb/spaz realm would be entertained by this garbage. Not only that, but while delivering the ads, Blaine appears to have as much enthusiasm and charisma as Tim Duncan. Is this supposed to get fans riled up for a Warriors-Jazz playoff series??

Perhaps the NBA is trying to recreate the success and charm of the Don Cheadle NFL playoff ads. The only problem is that Don Cheadle is an award-winning actor; David Blaine is a douche bag who has become famous for putting a lot of time, thought, and effort into feats of stupidity that nobody else would waste their mind or body on. Are there not enough hot chicks at NBA games to tell us that the action is "FAN-tastic"? If this is another attempt by David Stern to change the NBA's thug image- I think we need to draw the line somewhere.

Nightly Wresling Hiaku

The only thing Flair
Does not do gracefully is
Age. He is old. Wooooooooooooo.

Re-Pete Offender

Pete Doherty, fading British rock star, Kate Moss hubby, and world class junkie was once again busted on drug charges this weekend. Check out what he has been up to over the past 2 1/2 years, when not trying to force his smack-encumbered semi into his (nearly as tragic) supermodel girlfriend. That kind of rap sheet is almost impossible!

Despite the fact that Doherty is less than 6'0" and has never touched a basketball, Jerry Tarkanian has been spending a lot of time in London recruiting Doherty, on the off-chance he ever finds another college sketchy enough to give him another job. Tark the Shark said "I can teach a kid to play ball. But I can't teach them lack of character. They either don't have it or they do."

Another Reason for Fins Fans to Be Ashamed

As if the recent Ricky Williams, Culpepper, and Nick Saban debacles haven't been embarassing enough for the Miami Dolphins and their 12 fans, this video is making the rounds on the interweb. It features early 90's Dolphins players clad in zubazzes rapping "You Can't Touch Us" over the original MC Hammer beat.


(Thanks to loyal reader Jimer for the find)

Rocket Man-ia (Part II)

Remember when I said that all that was missing from Roger Clemens's return was an wrestling announcer going ballistic. Well here is Suzyn Waldman, doing Jim Ross proud with this call (click on "Roger Clemens is BACK!"). I want to vomit. Is the Mets bandwagon full?

Brady Just Can't Quinn

So word is that former MNF announcer and all around unfunny guy Joe Theisman told that young whippersnapper Brady Quinn that his draft day hair was embarrassing to Notre Dame. Brady, ever respectful of his Notre Dame forefathers, went out and got a shortly coiffed 'do. Interestingly, Theisman did not tell the Browns rookie QB to stop touching the crotches of other men.

I really don't see what Theisman found embarrassing about Brady's hair. Quinn's hair had that refined messiness many strive for, but only few attain. Uncle Jessie would have taken one look at that head, blurted out an astonished "Have Mercy", and then walked away with his tail between his legs, muttering in disbelief.

Maybe this is just sour grapes on Joe's part because his father made him get a military buzz cut when he was younger. Theisman is slowly morphing into the the neighbor who kept all the balls you hit in his yard. How long until Theisman buys a condo in Jay Marriotiville, where anything different is bad and wrong.

I hope my next post is more heterosexual.

Separated at Birth II

Star "I'm a Diva" Jones and Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Separated at Birth?

NBA Referee Dick Bavetta and the guy who played the Preacher in Poltergeist II

Quick Thought

Perhaps the reason that Barry Bonds has not enjoyed talking to the media over the years is because he realizes he has an extremely effeminate voice. Maybe the last thing he wants is for his lispy soprano sounds bites to be played all over the place. Seriously, Richard Simmons sounds manlier than him. His voice does come in very handy however, when he dresses in drag every spring training.

Weekend Wrap Up

Cinco de Mayweather


The fight of the millennium, De La Hoya v. Mayweather, has now come and gone with the Pretty Boy defeating the Golden Boy via split decision. I watched the fight with about 25 people. There was a pretty even guy/girl split and I would say 90% of the guys were rooting for Mayweather and 90% of the females were pulling for De La Hoya (ostensibly because they thought he was cute or something). That should tell you about how cool De La Hoya is.

I thought it was a great technical fight, but not the type of war that could vaulted boxing back onto the mainstream sports radar. Mayweather, who had a decisive speed advantage, fought a smart and scientific fight, picking his spots to snap his jab and waiting for a De La Hoya to open himself up to counterpunches. De La Hoya realized this and tried to be the aggressor, unleashing several flurries, which were mostly sizzle than steak. Those flurries were enough to steal a few rounds and one judge even gave the fight to De La Hoya (I swear that same judge gave Soda Popinksi the decision over me sometime in 1990 despite having knocked Soda Pop down five times in the match). In the end though, Mayweather was simply too fast, too accurate, and too efficient for De La Hoya, who tried his best but could not find a formula for success.

The problem with the fight was that there was never an instance where either fighter was ever in trouble. There was never that moment when either fighter connected on a punch or combination that made the crowd go "OOHHH." There was never blood in the water. The casual viewer would have been more satisfied had the fight been like Hagler-Hearns- much shorter in duration, but with much more action. While the hype going into the fight was monumental, the post fight buzz has been significantly muted. Maybe boxing would be better served by trotting Gatti-Ward out to fight 15 bare knuckled rounds every month.

The big winner in all of this? Floyd Mayweather Sr.'s hair. Word is that Jerry Rice's hair is extremely jealous.

When Life Hands You Clemens...

You get Clemens's aid. Tremont covered this already so I'll be brief. Clemens to the Yanks is not much of a surprise. They had a substantial need for a pitcher and the deep pockets to outbid all suitors. Plus Andy Petitte offered up the use of the his futon, so the Sox and Astros never had a chance. Non-sequitor alert: How does every one get on Bonds for steroids, but Clemens gets a free pass? Like Bonds, Clemens has put on substantial bulk throughout his career and has had unprecedented production at the four decade mark. Also like Bonds, Clemens is a jerk, so I don't know why he gets such a free pass from the media.

Lincecum's Shot

In a match up of two young guns, Phillies lefty Cole Hamels "outdueled" Giants phenom Tim Lincecum yesterday. Lincecum gave up 4ER over 4 1/3 innings, but did strike out five Phils including three in the first inning. Lincecum flashed the plus fastball that made him nearly unhittable in the minor leagues as well as a pretty nasty curve. I'm sure that nerves played a significant role in Lincecum's wildness (5 BB) and his control should improve in his next start. His stuff is for real though.

Cry, Cry Again

It was a great weekend for the Rocket, but a disappointing one for the Rockets, as they fell to the Jazz 103-99 in Game 7. Once again Tracy McGrady could not advance to the second round of the NBA playoffs and apparently took it really really hard...did he just watch Field of Dreams or something?. You can't blame him though. The guy flat out balled in Game 7, putting up a gaudy stat line of 29 pts, 13 assists, 5 rebs, and 3 blocks. I hope he doesn't get labeled as a loser because he has always put up excellent playoff statistics, but it might be inevitable knowing the reactionary nature of the sports media.

In other Rockets news, Jeff Van Gundy did what he does best...walk away from a team. This marks the second occasion Van Gundy has stepped away from his duties as a NBA head coach (see: the "basketball team" that is the NY Knicks). I will cut Van Gundy some slack however, if he needed to have emergency hair plug surgery and would not be able to keep up with his responsibilities in the mean time.

Rocket Man-ia

SYHD is "Your home for all the De la Hoya/ Mayweather coverage you can handle". Seriously, we spit the bit on the biggest fight in years. Our apologies. Now, on to Roger Clemens...

While I'm generally happy that Roger Clemens signed with the Yankees, I hate the way they let/had him announce his return. It reminded of when a wrestler would jump from the WWF to WCW and just show up in the crowd. All that was missing was a dumbfounded Tony Schiavone shouting "Is that...Yes it is!!! That's The Rocket!!!! What is he doing here?!" The whole stunt was so cheap. It makes it that much more difficult to root for Clemens.

While I'm not entirely comfortable with how much the Yankees spend on their payroll, I do get annoyed by Mets and Red Sox fans who whine about how unfair it is. If you are a Royals fan, you can complain until your heart is content. But if you are a fan of one of the "haves", you can go tell it to Sweeney. Your team is seriously benefitting from the system that's in place, albeit somewhat less than the Yankees. Nobody wants to hear Donald Trump complain about how rich Bill Gates is and nobody feels remotely sorry for you.

Top Ten Reasons Rasheed is the Coolest Guy in the NBA- continued

5. College Career: Sheed left UNC as the ACC's all-time leader in FG percentage at an amazing 63.5%- mostly on the strength of rim-shaking dunks like the ones pictured. (Note: Every time Duke plays UNC ESPN shows a video montage of past highlights that always includes a Stackhouse dunk from the game pictured on the right, leaving out this Sheed dunk- despite the fact that it was clearly the superior dunk. This infuriates me.)

Stat lines like this: 13/19 FG, 7/8 FT, 33 points, 6 Rebounds, 5 blocked shots, 4 fouls in win vs. Joe Smith and Maryland, semifinals, ACC tournament highlighted Rasheed's legendary 2 year run through the ACC. Somehow the Golden State Warriors still chose Joe Smith with the #1 pick in the 1995 draft; they made the playoffs this year for the first time since 1994.

Basketball aside, it was reportedly known that if Rasheed could not be located during his time in Chapel Hill (this was prior to widespread use of cellular telephones)- to head straight for the campus arcade, where Sheed would undoubtedly be found playing Mortal Kombat II or NBA Jam. He actually conducted interviews there, and once tried to motivate his teammates with the line "Let's go out and play like we're Chicago on NBA Jam." Sheed still carried a solid 2.9 GPA at Carolina, yet never chose a major in two years. Apparently he was more concerned over whether to go with sub-zero or scorpion.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Brutus the Barber
Is no longer a Beefcake
since parasailing.

Notes From The Bleachers

- Chien Ming Wang has now pitched 54 big league games and has a career 3.78 ERA. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while, but it's probably about time to stop worrying about the fact that he doesn't strike a lot of batters out.

- By the end of the fifth inning, the whole stadium was aware that Wang had a perfect game going, but nobody was mentioning it directly. Even I was discussing it in roundabout ways with my friends, as if it were their teenage sister's unwanted pregnancy. I am not remotely superstitious, but I didn't want to be accused of jinxing the no-no. Of course I find the whole thing ridiculous. I want to tell everyone to stop acting like some Italian grandmother who thinks somebody gave her the mal occhio, because her tomato plants didn't yield as much as usual. But, I guess you have to pick your battles.

- Is there another potentially historic sports achievement that is verboten to discuss while it is in progress? I can't think of one, but add your two-cents in the comments section.

- A group of Taiwanese nationals sat two rows in front of me at the game today. They wear all wearing Wang jerseys and proudly splayed their nation's flag above their heads after every out. With every extra perfect inning from Wang, they got a little more giddy. They became the stars of our section. Strangers were slapping them five and asking them to wave their flag more. It was really a beautiful moment. I wanted Wang to throw a perfect game for them almost as much as for me. Finally after 7 1/3 inning, Wang gave a solo homerun and within minutes the Taiwanese group packed up their flag and went home. I went from loving those guys to hating them almost instantly. I can't believe I allowed myself to feel thrilled for a bunch of fair-weather fans that split to beat traffic the moment their countryman lost his perfect game. In fact, if Red China wants to reclaim their former island, I say we let them. (Perhaps I'm overreacting)

My Pick To Win The 2007 Kentucky Derby

Expect an SJP landslide victory if it rains at the Derby. SJP loves the slop, eats it up. Her father was a mudder. Her mother was a mudder.

What Happened to Randolph Childress?

While sitting alone in my apartment at 2:00 on a Friday night, eating leftover Arby's and watching "The Cure" videos on youtube, two things have popped into my head. First, Robert Smith seems really depressed. Somebody should really send him an e-card or something to cheer him up. Secondly, I am reminiscing about the unbelievable performance Wake Forest's Randolph Childress put on in the 1995 ACC championship. Check out highlights of his quarterfinals performance against Duke here. I may be guilty of fetishizing, but I would argue that Randolph's three game run in the '95 ACC tournament was among the greatest three days of basketball any human has ever played in organized competition. So, whatever happened to Randolph Childress? Apparently, he is averaging 14 points a game in the Italian league. For some reason, this greatly saddens me. Now I know how Robert Smith must have felt when he wrote "Pictures of You".

The Greater Good

Mr. Met: A suspiciously engorged cranium.

As a Mets loyalist I've looked at the burgeoning Kirk Radomski scandal, riddled with juicers, sprucers and gooses (OK, geese), with a weary, leary eye. Sure, this gentleman, once a clubhouse assistant (a/k/a jock jockey) for Queens' Kings, was a supplier for some of baseball's most surrepticious steroid users. He's believed to be the primary pinch hitter (the Lenny Harris, if you will) for baseball's drug-needy after BALCO folded up shop. And Radomski, by all accounts, is a pesky stool pigeon. A rat with gouda wedged between his chompers. His testimony may leak (or will, if you're cynic) and will be bulging with names like Dante Bichette (or not) and Paul Molitor (OK, definitely not). And yet, because his affiliation with an actual Major League Baseball organization is so loose and ill-defined, he is slathered with the Mets emblem. Which, naturally, implies the Mets complicity in his dastardliness. Nonsense. These Mets he worked with were model citizens.