Monday, December 31, 2007

30 Increasingly Bold Predictions for 2008

Totally plausible

1) Hockey games continue to be played. I continue to ignore them.

2) The Yankees will lose to the Red Sox in the ALCS. A-Rod will be the scapegoat for batting .240 in the series. The fact that he hit .409 with 3 homers in the Divisional Series against the Tigers will be forgotten.

3) The Colorado Rockies go from the World Series to 4th in the NL West.

4) The Patriots lose to the Colts in the AFC Championship game.

5) The Phoenix Suns upset the Spurs and then the Celtics to win the NBA Championship.

6) The Mets miss the playoffs again. Willie Randolph is fired.

7) Bobby Bowden dies.

8) Memphis basketball loses one game all season. They win the national championship.

9) Ryan Howard hits 62 homers. People say he is the "true home run king".

10) Someone will be paralyzed in a UFC match. Congress will conduct high profile hearings in an effort to ban the sport.

Very unlikely, but not at all impossible

11) Roger Federer finally wins the French Open. Then loses at Wimbledon.

12) With the addition of a Pro Bowl D-lineman, the Jets have the best defense in the NFL next season.

13) Roy Hibbert falls to the 20th pick in the draft. Within 6 months, seventeen teams regret passing on him.

14) Diamond Dallas Page will die of an overdose. It just feels like his time to go.

15) Athlete's gang affiliations become 2008's dog fighting.

16) Wayne Chrebet makes a comeback with the Jets. Although he clearly has nothing left in the tank, the Jets hold onto him all season as a 5th receiver for PR.

17) Gheorge Muresan passes away this summer. The phrase "gentle giant" appears in every obituary.

18) Joba Chamberlain and Tim Lincecum win their respective league's Cy Young Awards.

19) David Beckham and the LA Galaxy mutually agree to a buyout of his contract.

20) Andre Ethier and Alyssa Milano start a relationship that results in their engagement in 2009.

A full court hook shot; Lefty

21) There will be a modest dance hit, featuring samples of Mike Tyson's craziest quotes, set to house music.

22) Isiah Thomas, mercifully fired after this season, will be the runner-up on next fall's Dancing with the Stars.

23) Prince and Cecil Fielder mend fences and replace Donovan McNabb and his mother in the Campbell's Chunky Soup commercials.

24) Donyell Marshall admits that he has been living with HIV for the past 8 years. Why Donyell Marshall? Why not Donyell Marshall?

25) Allen Iverson and a UPN starlet will be the stars of the celebrity sex tape of 2008.

26) Another color is discovered in the spectrum between orange and yellow. Roy G. Biv becomes obsolete. It has nothing to do with sports, I just feel strongly about this one.

27) Curt Schilling blows out his shoulder in Spring Training. He immediately announces his retirement and that he will run for president as an Independent.

28) Alex Rodriguez's daughter is kidnapped, setting off a media frenzy a la the Lindbergh baby. Her semen filled corpse will be found buried beneath Kyle Farnsworth's gazebo.

29) Ronde Barber joins Tiki in retirement. They live openly as an incestuous gay couple.

30) Travis Henry fails to impregnate anyone all year.

1 comment:

Oatmeal said...

Kyle Farnsworth is a dick