I Hate To Kick a Man When He is Down...

Actually I don't, so here we go. I heard on the radio that the ratings for Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals were lower than 20-yr old reruns of "Mama's Family" on the ion network. Maybe the Rangers should sign Vicky Lawrence. Is being outdrawn by a 1980's sitcom rerun that wasn't even that popular in the first place the definition of cultural irrelevance? Also, it's not like the ion network is TBS or USA- cable networks that draw legit numbers. Though it is sandwiched between NBC and CBS on my cable provider, I cannot speak for its placement on other services. Granted the Versus network is somewhere from impossible to hard to find on most cable boxes, but there has to be more NHL fans than "Mama's Family" fans out there, doesn't there? I've met at least two hockey fans in my life, I can't say the same for "Mama's Family." In fact, that show stinks. Back when I was younger I would watch just about anything on TV (I think I've seen every episode of "Out of This World") but I remember my inner-Phil Mushnick not being able to stomach a nasally, twangy, faux-aged Lawrence and her hick family. Gary Bettman, you have some work to do.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Your face in Nasty

Boy's underarm. No race cars

In this foul pit stop.

My Suicide Note

Sure I should be grateful that I am not wanting for food, clothing, or shelter, that I was raised by loving parents, and that I'm a relatively healthy young man. But when I turn on Access Hollywood and watch George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and Don Cheadle being interviewed together on a yacht, I want to kill myself. Seeing four of the coolest guys on Earth hanging out, telling mildly embarrassing stories about one another, and displaying wit becoming of movie stars was depressing.
The fact that they deserve their success irritates me even more. Had it been Josh Hartnett, Marlon Wayans, Vin Diesel, and Paul Walker on that yacht, I would have been indignant at the injustice of the universe. Oddly, I would be somewhat comfortable with that. Instead I'm just envious of the "Oceans" fellas. Those guys are just way better at life than me.

Kevin Durant: Still the Best Player in the Draft

Kevin Durant will be in a lot of trouble if anyone bigger than Allen Iverson passes away and falls on top of his chest, with nobody else in the room. Other than said implausible situation, I can't foresee a scenario in which Durant's inability to bench press 185 pounds will negatively affect his career. He will be a 30 point scorer, by his third NBA season, at the latest. NOBODY has ever combined his length, handle, quickness, jumpshot, competitive spirit, and overall feel for the game.

Spurs/Cavs

Despite the fact that the Spurs are overwhelming favorites to win the NBA Championship, this series has a lot of juice.

Series Subplots
- For perhaps the first time in his career, Lebron James is playing with house money. The Cavaliers can lose in 5 or 6 games and this year will still be remembered as a great leap forward. In a strange way, on the biggest stage he has ever played on, he has less pressure than ever. (That is a bit hyperbolic, but you know what I'm getting at). I'm going to subscribe to Mad Dog Russo's ever-flawed "Loosey Goosey Theory", in this instance, and say that Lebron has an incredible series.
- I can't wait to see how Lebron James deals with Bruce Bowen. This series, I expect Bowen to reach new lows as an unconscionable ball buster. He is at his best/worst, when given the opportunity to harrass the most marketable guys in the NBA. I believe he completely resents them. Bowen will trip, elbow, grab, and finger Lebron's anus if he has to. How will Lebron respond to this?
- Is Daniel Gibson going to be Lebron's second banana for years to come? He has to prove that Games 4 and 6 against the Pistons were not flukes. This could become the most interesting angle of this series.
- Either Ilgauskas or Gooden are going to have to provide an inside scoring presence for the Cavs.
You: No shit Sherlock!
Me: Don't be a weisenheimer. I know that was obvious, but I couldn't not say it.
- Finally, can Ginobili convince Gooden to transplant that hideous patch of hair on the back of his neck to the top of Ginobili's head? Both parties would greatly benefit from such a transaction, I'm not getting my hopes up.

Spurs win in 6. They're just too good.

Mighty Ducks Win

According to the top story on espn.com this morning The Mighty Ducks have prevailed. I dont want to burst their bubble, but didnt this happen in 1993 or something? Regardless, this writer thinks more credit should be given to the Quack Attack's superior coaching staff-who else could take a group of kids like that and turn them into champions? If they can keep this team together, i'm expecting at least 2 more of these.

Youtube Clip of the Day

From the slept on MTV sketch comedy show Human Giant comes this skit:

Pun of the Day

It's being reported that the Miami Dolphins are looking to pass the Culpepper.

I'm not sure if they are looking to trade Culpepper or just cut him, but if I'm a NFL front office (which I'm obviously not) I'd take a shot at Culpepper. He was rushed back from surgery last season and after having an additional offseason to recover he might yet be a productive NFL player once again. I'd sign him for an incentive laden contract with a low base salary since at this point he is a low risk/high reward guy. At the very least would be a great insurance policy for a shaky starting qb.

The Golden Era of NL Shortstops

Back in the late 1990's the American League tauted the three best shortstops in all of baseball and Derek Jeter. ARod, Nomar, and Miguel Tejada all seemingly redefined the position by being immense power threats as well as top notch glovemen...and Jeter had his queer inside out swing and his fairy jump throw from the hole. The Ozzie Smith's, Rafael's Santana and Belliard, were ushered out in favor of the new prototype shortstop who could actually hit the ball hard. Sure Barry Larkin and Cal Ripken were around, but there was a huge chasm between them and the next legitimate offensive threats at the position. For years the National League lagged behind the American League in elite shortstops (my sincerest apologies to Rey Ordonez), but as I write this the NL is long on top shelf shortstops (whew clever word play!). J.J. Hardy, Jose Reyes, and Hanley Ramirez all are having all-star caliber seasons and project to be amongst the most productive players in baseball for years to come. Here are their respective stat lines:

Player Age OBP SLG BA R HR RBI SB (sorry about the format)
Hardy 24 .340 .546 .294 36 16 47 0

Reyes 23 .398 .470 .315 42 2 26 31

Ramirez 23 .378 .491 .308 51 8 17 17

It's going to be infinitely fun over the next several years to debate about which of these young shortstops is the best in the league. Based on last year and this year's productivity I am going to have to go with with Reyes. He has the best OBP of the group and many sabermetricians tell you that OBP should be valued higher than SLG%. Ramirez is not that far behind Reyes however, as their OPS's are practically equal and Ramirez has the potential to steal as many bases as Reyes. Reyes's power numbers are still respectable since he hits so many doubles and triples and he is a more potent longballer than the modest two homeruns he has hit this year, but his slugging percentage is deflated because it does not take into account his stolen bases. If after a single, he steals first with no outs, it's as if he doubled, but that is not reflected in his slugging. There needs to be some sort of sliding scale metric to factor stolen bases into slugging percentage based on outs made after getting on base but before stealing the base, but that is a post for another time. JJ Hardy has the best power potential of the three and projects to be a 30 hr guy through the years. Hardy's glove is also comparable to the other two. This year his range factor is 3.78 and his zone rating is .819. In comparison Reyes is sporting a 4.03 and .901 and Ramirez has a 4.03 and .802.

All three of these players have taken dramatic steps forward over the last season or two and might be just the players the MLB marketing department should build around (especially Reyes and Ramirez) in the post-steroid era.

Coming soon: Taking a look at Trevor Hoffman and his ilk's place in baseball history.

Boggs a Hall of Fame Booze Hound As Well

Here is a link proclaiming MLB Hall of Famer Wade Boggs as one of the biggest beer drinkers in baseball. The author of the article now refers to a Miller Lite as a Boggs, I am not that easily swayed however, and will continue to them Lacheys.

(Kudos to loyal reader Jimer for the link)

Greg Oden Has a Blog

And here it is:
http://www.yardbarker.com/users/gregoden

Another Yankee Fan Goes Off the Deep End.

In a candid moment on his ESPN radio show, Yankee fan Max Kellerman proclaimed that he believes that the 2001 Yankees subconsciously lost the World Series on purpose, because it was too close to 9/11 and they didn't want a large group of people to get together so close to the incident, which would happen if there was a parade. That, my friends, is pure delusion.

'Sheed in the City

According to today's ESPN Insider, the NY Knicks have interest in acquiring Rasheed Wallace via trade this offseason. I am rooting for this to happen just so SYHD contributor/Sheed lover/Knick hater Fat Dizzle's red head will explode. (Upon reading this, somewhere in NYC Fat Dizzle will yell, "It's strawberry blond!")

Akon Getting His Ache On

We here at SYHD like to have some continuity in our postings. A few weeks ago Down Right Nashty put up a youtube clip of Akon dirty dancing on stage with a 15 yr-old girl. Now we have a clip of Akon bringing a fan on stage, putting him in a fireman's carry, and tossing him off stage because that fan had just thrown something at him. Akon gets excellent distance on his heave.

SYHD Insider

SYHD Contributor Johnny Dakota reports:

So I'm in Chicago for business, when I run into Mike Miller in a bar. He was pretty cool. He told me that he just talked to Donovan, who is currently arguing with the Magic as to whether it has to be 3 or 5 years before he can take another NBA job. He also said that 4 of our top 6 recruits were out the door, which is why Billy felt if he didn't come back, he would hurt UF for a long time. Also he says that Teddy Dupay lives in Utah (no word how the pyramid scheme is doing).

He also looks more 6'5'' in person

(Damn ESPN is reporting this as I am writing. Big brother gets us again.)

This Joke Had To Be Made

Roger Clemens's first start of the season will be delayed due to a fatigued groin. In related news, Derek Jeter may have to miss tonight's game due to a sore buttocks.

Mad Dog Russo Does Not Like People Who Work Hard At Their Jobs

I was just listening to Mike and the Mad Dog and they were talking about Mets pitching coach Rick Peterson. They were speaking highly of Peterson's ability to make reclamation projects such as Oliver Perez and Jorge Sosa into effective major league pitchers. So far so good, I'm in agreement with them. Then Dog goes onto to say (several times) that he hates to lavish such praise onto Peterson because Peterson treats his job like a he is a scientist. (Note: Peterson is known for using extensive video and computer analysis to work on pitching mechanics.) Isn't that exactly what you want from your pitching coach? I would much rather have a pitching coach that views pitching mechanics as a science and uses all available technology to analyze a delivery, than one who shuns technology and goes simply by his eyes and his gut. Granted Peterson can be aloof and pretentious and if Dog had berated Peterson for being either I would not take exception with him, but to undermine the guy for doing his job as efficiently and effectively as possible is downright idiotic.

Weekend Wrap-up

Sorry about the delay in posting this, but I woke up to find my basement flooded thanks to the remnants of Tropical Storm Barry Lyons making its way up north. So without further ado:

Big Play-Rod
ARod had the last laugh in what had to be the 10th or 11th most tumultuous week of his life. After creating a stir earlier in the week for purposely distracting a Blue Jay trying to catch a pop fly and getting caught possibly cheating on his wife I was very interested to see how ARod would bounce back. He was relatively quiet in his first two games and looked like he was going to draw the ire of Joey Meatball (the identity I give to the average Yankee fan) when he popped out with a man on third and one out late in the game. But ARod is safe in NYC for now (except if the NY Post is lurking around, which it most assuredly is) until the next time he does something un-Jeterlike.

Billy Donevan in Orlando
Rarely does a party breaking a contract benefit both sides quite like this. Orlando Magic fans (all twelve of them) will be thanking their lucky stars that Billy D. has decided that he'd rather stay in Gator country. Donovan has been very successful in the NCAA because is a dynamite recruiter and motivator. Donovan is at his weakest however, when drawing up X's and O's on the dry erase board. His substitution patterns were erratic and he all too often insisted on running the full court press to his team's detriment. Though he is a cut above former St. John's coach Mike Jarvis and his controlled freelance offense.

Donovan wins for several reasons. He gets to remain in his comfort zone in Gainesville where he will most likely get the royal treatment for as long as he remains. Outside of Coach K, I can't think of a college basketball coach who has greater job security. While Donovan cited recruiting trail travel as a main reason for leaving for the NBA, Florida is almost to the point where the school and its reputation recruits for itself. I don't think Coach K pounds the pavement that hard anymore, rather leaving it to his assistant coaches and the aura of Duke to bring in the nation's top talent. Billy will be taking a bit of a pay cut by leaving the Magic ($5.5M/yr to $3M/yr), but he is still making a lot more than he netted last season ($1. something million) and I believe his salary increases over the life of the contract. And as former Gainesville resident I can attest to the fact that he can live pretty comfortably in that town making $3M/yr, as long as he doesn't hit up Swamp on gameday weekends- those markups are brutal.

The University of Florida wins because they hold onto the coach they never wanted to leave in first place. Also they have come away victorious out in tug of wars against Kentucky and the NBA.

There are two losers in this saga however. The first is VCU coach Anthony Grant who was in line for the Florida job had it been permanently vacated by Donovan. I'm sure Grant will land a big time program job sometime in the not too distant future, but Florida is his dream job at this point. The second loser? Stan Van Gundy. Why? Just because last time I checked, he was still Stan Van Gundy.

That Wedding Had a Lot of Hart
So this past weekend fellow poster Greg Ostertag Body Spray and I attended the wedding of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart's youngest daughter. While we were initially disappointed by the lack of established professional wrestlers in attendance (Niedhart was the only one), we were overjoyed once we saw The Anvil walking his daughter down the aisle while doing his trademark goatee stroke. Ostertag and I got pictures with the former tag team champion and he even gave us a tidbit of inside information- namely that Greg "The Hammer" Valentine had tiny sausage fingers. My personal highlight was dancing to "Hey Ya!" with Diana Smith, the widow of The British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith, who was one of my favorite wrestlers growing up. She is also the sister of Bret and was one of several Hart's that we met throughout the reception. We also met Harry Smith, the son of Diana and Davey Boy who just signed a contract with the WWF as well as his friend TJ Wilson who also signed a contract with the federation and was trained in the famous Hart Dungeon. TJ was extremely affable and talked to us dorks about the wrestling industry for quite a while. Here is a link of them cutting a promo and then wrestling in the now defunct Deep South Wrestling promotion.

The closest I came to receiving a running powerslam? I caught the garter belt and had to put it on Nattie Neidhart (the older daughter) while a sunglass adorned Anvil stared me down. I placed it halfway up her lower leg before chickening out and calling it quits. In retrospect I think it was a wise decision though.

Roger Clemens to Pitch in One More Minor League Game

The Rocket will most likely make his much anticipated 2007 "Major League" debut Saturday night against one of the top 15 AA lineups in America right now. While a 7-0 loss seems likely for the Pirates, the positive spin is that, assuming ESPN shows the game, the Buccos will be on national television for the first time since Barry Bonds was wearing a baseball cap under 9 and 3/8 in size. (Note: This is not completely true as a few years ago ESPN showed the Pirates vs. Diamonbacks game and advertised it as "Watch Randy Johnson Strike out 20 Batters Sunday Night Against the Pirates." This is not a joke by the way. It actually happened.)

I have the Price is Right on in the background as I'm surfing the net. I was busy watching Paris Hilton's trip to jail getting cheered at the MTV Movie Awards when I was shook out of my giddiness by the new Rod Roddy rip-off belting out, "Miguel Alvarez come on down!" As a huge fan of HBO's Oz, I was expecting Alvarez to shank Barker, stare menacingly at Barker's Beauties, or at least throw some acid in the eyes of someone on contestant's row. Unfortunately, it was not Oz's Alvarez, but rather some portly fellow who probably just hit the high water mark of his life. Ah the disappointments we must deal with.

The Pampered Shef

Why has the number of African American baseball players decreased so drastically over the past two decades? I have argued that it is primarily the result of basketball and football becoming far more popular in the black community, but I'm willing to hear other theories. What say you, Gary Sheffield?

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out."

Fairly prescient of you Gary. Did you notice how passionate Latin American countries are about baseball. That Dominicans play it day and night, often using milk cartons as makeshift gloves. Perhaps you notice the growing of antipathy of African Americans to the sport.

… [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them"

Oh boy. This sounds like it's going to remarkably stupid, but I'll hear you out.

"Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is."

I'm sorry. Are you putting your people down or are you dissing the Latin American ballplayer? I think you were attempting the latter, but actually accomplished the former. You are essentially saying that African Americans are uncoachable. "Coachability" a valued trait in every profession. Okay perhaps you don't want your punk rockers to be coachable, but other than that...

"And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands."

You are a pampered c**t, Gary Sheffield. You have been treated with kid gloves all of your life, because you are an excellent baseball player. You were admittedly involved in gangs as an adolescent. A major league team was willing to overlook your violent history and pay you a fortune coming out of high school. You have admitted to deliberately making errors, in order to get traded from Milwaukee. Since then, you have been a malcontent everywhere you have gone. And for these sins, you have been punished to the tune of making over $100 million in salary. How can you not understand that you have had every advantage in the world based upon your ability to swing a bat?

"These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

So you are saying that if two guys are equally good at playing baseball and one of them is a shithead, hellbent on doing things his way all of the time, and the other is cooperative and open to suggestion, the team is going to pass on the shithead. Finally we agree. You can take baseball out of the equation and this is still pretty much a universal truth. But I don't like your implication that black people are all ungrateful pieces of garbage. Speak for yourself on that one.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Pat Patterson won

The Intercontinental

Title in Rio

Why aren't there more power arms?

I'm surprised that with all the advancements in training and conditioning over the past 30 or so years, that there really aren't any more pitchers that can throw 100 MPH. In fact, there may even be less now than there were 35 years ago. Just some food for thought.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

The only man who

Could catch his own Hail Mary

Was Mr. Perfect.

Lebron!!!!!!!

Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Eldridge Recasner...I have never seen any of these men play better down the stretch of a playoff game than Lebron James did tonight. The guy is on another level. I don't know what else to say about it.

Lebron is going to save us the boredom of another Spurs/Pistons final. We are at the dawn of another golden age of NBA basketball. Ignore those who say otherwise.

The A-Rod Apologete: Cheating on his Wife? On the Field?

So apparently Alex Rodriguez is having an extra-marital affair. A professional athlete cheating on his wife? You could knock me over with a feather! Sports writers have been keeping such things secret, since the cigar-chomping, derby-wearing days. Suddenly they choose to break precedent and smear A-Rod's name. Thank you, New York Post. Last summer, they exposed Rodriguez as a (gasp!) sunbather. Yesterday, they ran "Lindsay Blo-han" on the front page and "Stray-Rod" on the back page. Job well done; equal parts clever and hard-hitting! Today their front page story was "A-Rod Spotted with Blond in 5 Cities". If you don't think they have an anti-A-Rod agenda, you are completely lost.

Yesterday Alex Rodriguez shouted something while passing Blue Jays third baseman Howie Clark, distracting him and causing him to let a routine pop-up fall. If Pete Rose did it in 1975, it would have been considered a heady play, by a guy who just wants to win. Since it was A-Rod, it was labeled a dirty play. Was it Bush League? Sure, but I love it. In fact, I hope this is a sign of things to come.

Alex, besides me, nobody likes you anyway. Therefore, you should just embrace your inner-heel. Be the dick everybody thinks you are. Tell children that there is no Santa Claus. Trip old ladies. Move to the San Fernando Valley, dye your hair blond, and a join a dojo whose sole purpose is to torment the working-class Italian kid that just moved from Jersey. Enjoy yourself. What's the worst that can happen? You'll get bad press?

SYHD'S Amateur Student-Athlete of the Week

SHYD is proud to honor Allison Stokke as our inaugural amateur student-athlete of the week. Allison was the 2006 California State Pole Vaulting champion and currently holds five amateur pole vaulting national records. Congratulations Allison on this magnificent accomplishment!

Bad News

I'm off to Florida to attend the wedding of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart's daughter so I will not be able to post today. Don't worry though, I'll try to update from the Sunshine State tomorrow and hopefully I'll have some good pro wrestler interaction stories for Monday. In the meantime, I hope some of my fellow contributors can pick up the slack. This weekend will only be a success if The Anvil signs my wrestling haiku or if Bret Hart throws me in a Sharpshooter.

From the Rumor Mill

ARod isn't the only married ballplayer cavorting around town with a women who is not his wife (Kudos to the NY Post for the "Stray-Rod" headline). A very reliable source has informed SYHD that Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek was seen canoodling with America's favorite sideline reporter Erin Andrews last week at the W Hotel when the Sox were in for their series against the Yankees. Tek and Andrews were getting cozy at the bar and later were seen entering an elevator together. Somewhere David Wright would be crying in his beer if he hadn't just made a cool $20M from the sale of Vitamin Water to Coca-Cola.

P.S.: This same informant witnessed Wright courting Andrews last summer.

P.P.S: I don't give one iota about journalistic responsibility.

You Hate Him-But You Want Him

A bombshell was dropped in Tinseltown today when everyone's favorite heel- Kobe, a.k.a.-the mamba, a.k.a.-the rapist, Bryant demanded a trade from Jack Nicholson, Dianne Cannon and the rest of Lakerland because he feels he was misled about their alleged desire to compete for a championship immediately following the departure of The Big Aristotle. Granted, noone was more unlikable over the past 8 years for a multitude of reasons-the three straight championships, the incident in Eagle, running Shaq out of town, his amazing trick flailing elbow, etc...But im guessing any NBA fan who has read this article has already run the trade scenario of what his team would have to give up to obtain Kobe through his head (personally I think a package of Shawn Marion, Leandro Barbosa, a first this year and the Hawks unprotected next year would work nicely.) Knicks fans aside who no doubt wouldn't care, (they would sign Charles Manson to an eight year deal at this point if he had a jump shot) I would bet thatfans of the other 28 teams would have a new take on #24's trials and tribulations. Suddenly "the rapist" would be "the guy who was framed by that crazy white chick" and the "ballhog" would be a "scorers fist mentality with a killer instinct". And thats what makes sports great-if the most talented jerk in the game is traded to your team he will suddenly in your eyes make a heel to face turn quicker than if he took a steel chair to the back of Vince McMahon's head. Lets face it-you hate him now-but you want him.