Monday, August 13, 2007

Now That's What I Call Method Acting

Here an actress playing Helen Keller has really gotten into her role. This reminds me of my favorite Helen Keller joke:

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too if your name was ARGOLMMPHHORGL.


Helen Keller Actress Falls Off Stage - Watch more free videos

More Reasons Joe Morgan Should Be Fired

I know we frequently pimp Fire Joe Morgan on this site, but it's for good reason. Not only are those guys over there really sharp (God I wish I was Ken Tremendous), but Joe Morgan really is an awful announcer. Follow this link to FJM for some of Morgan's tasty tidbits from last night's ESPN broadcast.

I Wonder How They Met

This is pretty much what my wedding is going to be like except for all of the brown people and the ethnic music/food:

Sunday, August 12, 2007

A Curiosity


I'm sure everyone has already noticed this, but it seems highly improbable that Brad Daugherty is a NASCAR analyst for ESPN given that

a) he is a former NBA player

b) he is almost certainly too tall to fit in one of those cars

c) he's a black dude and NASCAR is whiter than hockey.


It's odd little quirks like these that keep life from getting too stale.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The Rick Ankiel Story


Does anybody want to help me write a heart-string tugging, G-rated script for The Rick Ankiel Story? You know every struggling writer in Hollywood is slopping one together as I type, so let's get cracking.

Brian Sabean, the Most Overrated GM in Baseball

Since taking over for Bob Quinn in 1997, Brian Sabean has been anointed one of the best General Managers in Major League Baseball. He got off to a strong start making several savvy trades and enjoying early success, but at this point the Giants are one of the oldest, least talented teams in the league and the farm system has had a decade long drought. His legacy will be that of a GM who failed to build championship level team around perhaps the greatest offensive player in the history of the game.

Under Sabean the Giants made the playoffs in 1997, 2000, 2002, and 2003. On it's face this is not too shabby, but when taken into the context of Bonds' ridiculous production over that span, it's hard to believe that Sabean could not slap together a supporting cast good enough to get Bonds into the playoffs every year. Once in the playoffs, I fully understand that a lot of luck is involved and the best team does not always win- you need look only to last year's Cardinals teams as the best example of this theory. The playoffs are a small sample size and teams and players can easily go through hot/cold streaks over a five or seven game series that are not indicative of their true performance ability. Bonds, for example, was brutal in both the 1997 and 2000 NLDS (posting an OPS of under .700 in 7 games) but was out of his gourd awesome in the entire 2002 playoffs before falling somewhere in between in the 2003 NLDS.

While playoff performance variance is understandable, what is egregious is Sabean's failure to surround Bonds with enough talent to make the playoffs every year. Any GM in the league would savor the opportunity to build around the best offensive player of our era. I'm not going to post up Bonds' stats from 1997 on, but if don't want to take my word for it, you can check them out click here. Outside of Sabean's first major deal which landed Jeff Kent for Matt Williams, Sabean has constantly acquired aging talent who are either at the end of their prime or whose prime coincided with the first Gulf War.

Before I get into the misguided acquisitions I must give credit where credit is due and pat Sabean on the back for some nice nice pick ups. He landed Jeff Kent and several other productive players for Matt Williams. This was Sabean's first and best major move as he actually acquired a player entering his prime, which as you will see is rarer than steak tartar. He also got some very productive years out of Ellis Burks and Jason Schmidt, but those good moves have been largely offset by Sabean's penchant for picking up players who are only a few years from wearing Oops I Crapped My Pants. Sabean must be taken to task for acquiring the corpses of Joe Carter, Andres Galarraga, Wilson Alvarez and Edgardo Alfonso as well as signing or trading for never weres like Jose Cruz Jr., David Bell, and Neifi Perez.

Sabean also got the John Cangelosi end of the stick on his most high profile trade of recent years. Sabean sent Francisco Liriano, Boof Bonser, and Joe Nathan to the Twins for perennial douchebag AJ Pierzynski. Pierzynski played one lackluster season for the Giants, while Nathan has been a lights out closer, Bonser is a solid back of the rotation guy, and Liriano was poised to be a star before having Tommy John surgery. Today not a single GM would trade any of those aforementioned players for Pierzynski let alone all three of them.

This past offseason, Sabean made another boner by signing Barry Zito for $126M. Just because he was the best pitcher on the market doesn't mean he had to be the best paid pitcher in baseball. Sabean would have been better off waiting a year to make a run at Carlos Zambrano, a true ace, but instead he overvalued Zito, who had lost several mph on his fastball over the past few years and benefitted greatly by playing the one of the friendliest pitchers parks in Major League Baseball. The Zito signing is going to be one of those gifts that keep on giving year after year as the Giants will have to pass on better pitching options down the road thanks to that albatross of a contract.

To make matters worse, the Giants are going to be absolutely miserable for the next several years. Besides Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain there are no young future stars (or even contributors) on the roster nor is there much hope growing down on the farm. Under Sabean the Giants farm system has produced one, count it one, offensive starter and that's the OBP allergic Pedro Feliz. In fact Sabean has demonstrated over the past two drafts that he has no clue how to cultivate position players by drafting almost identical no pop, decent speed, lead off hitting outfielders. One need only to look at the failed Jason Tyner experiment to realize that these are not the type of players worth spending a first round pick on.

Now, I realize that the Giants were a blown save away from winning the 2002 World Series, but a world championship would not necessarily change my view of the Sabean era. With Bonds, the Giants should have been in a position to win the Series every year- there is simply no excuse to squander the career of the best player of the last twenty years. Instead Sabean built a intermittent contender that was very shallow on talent and has the organized poised for some of the darkest days in its history.

(Note: Of course most of this is moot if the Giants take the money they will save by losing Bonds and put it towards Arod)

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Asterisky Business

Every Major League Baseball player that played before 1947 was a cheater. The most efficient form of cheating is to not allow quality competitors to even participate. Every single Major Leaguer at the time benefited from the exclusion of blacks, from Babe Ruth to Moonlight Graham. Sure Babe would have still been great, but he might not have looked quite so immortal if he had to face Satchel Page, or other great black pitchers, instead of some awful white 4th starter. Mediocre starters would have been bench warmers. Bench warmers, career Minor Leaguers. My SAT scores were pretty decent. But they would look substantially better if Jews and Asians were forbidden from taking the test. Whether or not they agreed with the segregationist policies, their participation alone is a tacit endorsement of them. The Nuremberg Defense does not apply here. They played these games of their own volition. Theirs is a disgraced era, tainted if you will, and none of their records should be acknowledged.

Everyone who played after 1960, put up completely fraudulant stats. I'm looking at you Roger Maris, and you Sandy Koufax, and even you Henry Aaron. Roger Maris hit 61* in '61, not coincidentally the first year of the expansion era. MLB added two teams in 1961, both of them to the American League. So the AL jumped from 8 teams to 10 teams. This meant 25 percent more pitchers in the league, the majority of whom would have been considered AAA ballplayers prior to expansion. This sounds like the perfect recipe for turning a very good Major League hitter, Roger Maris, into a monster.

The following year, two new National League teams debut. One of those teams, the 1962 Mets, were famously awful that year, bumbling their way to only 40 wins. Not entirely surprising then, that Sandy Koufax's ERA dropped a run that year and he began a reign of terror on the NL for the next 4 seasons.

Hammerin' Hank was still averaging 40 home runs a season, from ages 35 to 39 (1969 to 1973). It stands to reason that some of that production was aided by the fact that the Major Leagues were 50% bigger by 1969 than they were in 1960. Also, in the last 17 years of his career, Hank's teams played 8 more games per season than Babe Ruth ever did. Add that up and you get 136 more games.

Without the extra games and expansion teams, it's pretty safe to say Aaron never would have broken Ruth's record. 755 never happened. 714 is still the record. Oh wait I erased those records. Who hit the most home runs between '47 and '59? He is the true Home Run King. Actually a lot players lost time to the Korean War between '51 and '53. Those seasons should be stricken from the record. What kind of pussy boy would be playing baseball, while his countrymen were being drafted into war? The guy who hit the most homers from '47 to '50 and '54 to '59...He's our man!

Do I believe all of this nonsense? Sort of. Nothing I said was factually incorrect. The point is that any fan smarter than Kige Ramsey is able to look at the homerun record, or any other record, and understand that the context of one era is different from another era. Even within a given era, there are a million variables. Henry Aaron had the benefit of a home park nicknamed "The Launching Pad" and was protected by Hall of Famer Eddie Matthews for much of his career. That equals more home runs. Barry Bonds has played in extreme pitchers' parks and has had a subpar supporting cast for much of his career. That equals less home runs. Were steroids a factor? Sure. But one of a great many.

Derek Jeter Has Herpes?




If this is true, it's time for Arod to make an appointment with his physician. Word is that he spread the gift that keeps on giving to Jessica Alba amongst others. I'm sure Derek will land his feet though and end up scoring a Valtrex endorsement deal.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Robinson(derrated)


Honest question: Can one of our SYHD Mets fans tell me why I shouldn't think Robinson Cano is every bit the player that Jose Reyes and David Wright are? Please spare me irrelevant drivel like "Reyes is the most exciting player in baseball" and "David Wright plays the game the way it should be played". My purpose is not to trash the great young Mets players. It is to say that Cano is wildly underrated in relation to them.

Side note: I don't want to hear another thing about over-hyped Yankees prospects. Since 2005, their farm system has graduated Robinson Cano, Chien Ming Wang, and Melky Cabrera. All of them flew fairly under the radar on their journey to the big leagues. Still 24, Cano is the second best second baseman in baseball and he was never considered a can't miss prospect. Wang was the runner-up for last year's AL Cy Young Award and scouts said he was a back of the rotation guy. Melky is 22 and is already an above average starting centerfielder. He was projected to be a 4th outfielder in his prime. If anything, Yankees prospects have been systematically under-hyped.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Huge arenas lack
Ample storage; tables and
Chairs left under ring.

Someone Is Not Doing Their Homework

During tonight's Mets-Braves game the SNY announcing team has repeatedly referred to the Braves Willie Harris as a youngster. They have mentioned Harris' "inexperience" when discussing his at bats against the crafty El Duque and when discussing whether or not he was aware of Mets reliever Aaron Heilman's tendencies. Ron, Gary, Keith, you guys are generally sharp, but you've dropped the ball on this one. Harris is 29 yrs old and has been in the league since 2001. Granted he hasn't played that much, but he is not the precocious neophyte (all respect due to Walt 'Clyde' Frazier for that line) that you guys are making him out to be.

Conducting a little more research, Harris was a teammate of El Duque's on the 2005 Chicago Whitesox and probably faced him when Hernandez was a Yankee. So I would say Harris is fairly familiar with El Duque.

A plug for the Angry Nintendo Nerd.

If anyone needs a chuckle, and fondly remembers their Nintendo playing youth of the 1980s, check this guy out. His ripping apart of certain video games and video game accessories is hysterical. Their is a fair amount of cursing though, so if this bothers you, don't watch it.

You Go Girl

The only column I now consider a must read on espn.com is that of ESPN's ombudsman Le Anne Schreiber. In her latest piece she takes on "Who's Now?" (she didn't like it!) and thinks there should be a 30 min SportsCenter featuring just the day's news and highlights while forgoing the ridiculous cross-promotion and fluff which litters the bloated 60 and 90 minute versions (an idea that I've advocated for a while). Keep preachin'!

Tremont: Closet Fashionista

I apologize in advance for going all Vogue Magazine on you with this post, but over the past 10 to 12 years, fashion has remained remarkably stable. SYHD contributor Nocedog has been trying to convince me of this for a while and I am finally convinced. I am watching an ER rerun from 1998 and none of the characters look egregiously out of style. There is not a single dated haircut or article of clothing. Nobody would bat an eye if the same episode was filmed today.

There has not been this much fashion inertia, over such an extended period of time, since at least the mid-fifties. I'm not saying this is either good or bad, it just is.

I will now attempt to reattach my testicles.

756!

Finally it's fucking over. Bonds hit #756!!! This moment has been anticipated/dreaded for several years now. Over the past 5 years, I would say that Bonds, home run records, and steroids in baseball have been the second biggest topic of conversation in America after terrorism and the war in Iraq. Millions of words have been written. Billions of words have been said. I have nothing to add. I will just say that, even with the steroids, breaking the home run record is still pretty god damn awesome.

A few ancillary notes:
- Eat crow, Mookie. Hammerin Hank was super gracious in congratulating Bonds. Good for him.
- Giant fans better savor this moment for the next five years, because this team is going to be abysmal for a while. The Giants don't have a single position player on their team or in their organization that is a good bet to be above average over the next few years. They might be the only team in baseball about which I can make that claim.
- Also, Frisco, have fun watching Barry Zito's arm decompose for the next six and a half seasons. Tonight his fastball was consistently popping 83-85 MPH. I pay to play baseball in an Over-18 ham-and-egger league and I see that kind of heat pretty routinely. Obviously the tomato cans in my league can't match Zito's shoulders-to-ankles curve ball. Still, very few pitchers can be successful in the majors without a respectable fastball. Barry Zito is either going to have find another 5 MPH somewhere (Were he still alive, my late grandfather might have found them behind my ear) or turn himself into the new Jamie Moyer. Neither seems particularly likely. That $126 million contract is going to be a disaster.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Build It And He Will Come

Just in case you were wondering what Greg "The Hammer" Valentine has been up to...Apparently if you build a wrestling ring in your backyard he just may show up to clean house.

Wang is Slang For Penis, Pass It On



Are all sportswriters and copy editors 100 years old? If not, why do they all keep writing these hilarious dick puns for all of Chien Ming Wang's appearances? Look at the history, brilliantly recorded by FJM.

Now, the Yankees official web Site has the most egregious offense yet. When describing Wang's last start, they decided to go with this gem:

The Royals got a taste of vintage Wang on Friday

Really? Was Billy Butler going to town on the remains of John Holmes? Or did Chien Ming Wang just pitch well?
Funny they should mention the Royals, since earlier they were involved in this sexual act:

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

Basically, the Royals are either a bunch of orally-fixated sluts (especially that Emil Brown), or people don't realize what they're writing. I just can't wait until we get this headline:
d
Surging Wang finishes strong on the backs of Arod, Posada

Nightly Wrestling Haiku


Two scoops of Mankind

And a pinch of Kane gives you

The rip-off Abyss

A Weak-Chinned Bust in the Hall?


I know it sounds crazy, but Jorge Posada may well be building a Hall of Fame worthy resume. He may end up being one of those unlikely cases, ala Dennis Eckersley, where nobody even thought about him being a Hall of Famer until his late thirties. I have watched Posada play for 11 years and until this summer I had never given a second thought to his potential HOF candidacy. He still has some work to do to be a deserving candidate, but at this point I do not think it's implausible that he gets it done. Here is my case for Jorge Posada: Future Hall of Famer...
1) Unless he soon goes down Thurman Munson style, he will undoubtedly be remembered as the 3rd best catcher to make his Major League debut between 1975 and 2000. Don't argue with me dickhead, I did the research. Between the Johnny Bench, Carlton Fisk, Thurman Munson, and Gary Carter era and the Pudge Rodriguez, Mike Piazza, and Jorge Posada era, seventeen years passed between the debuts of a catcher as good as Posada. Lance Parrish is really the only guy for whom a case could be made. Yes his prime was better than Posada's, but he didn't have a great year after the age of 30. Posada is in the midst of his best season at 35. With three more merely mediocre seasons, Jorge Posada will have easily left Parrish in his wake.
If you're clearly one of the three best players at your position over a 25 year span, you at least deserve some consideration.
2) If Posada continues his torrid pace this year, he will finally have his signature season. Until this year, he has always been in the .260s to .280s in BA, high .300s to low .400s in OBP and high .400s to low .500s in slugging. He has posted consistently excellent numbers for a catcher, but this year he is off the charts. If the Yankees make the playoffs in squeaker and A-Rod falls off a bit, Posada is a serious MVP candidate. That hardware would bolster his case in the eyes of the voters.
3) Even the greatest catchers in baseball history have historically been shot by 35. Posada just keeps improving. Of course, I don't expect Posada won't replicate this season again. However if he can put up his '04 through '06 numbers in '08 through '10, he will be approaching 2000 hits and 300 HRs. (I will grant you that this is a tall order as he approaches 40. But he has defied normal aging patterns thus far. Perhaps he is the exception to the rule.) Only six catchers in history have hit 300 homers. I suppose a few more have gotten 2000 hits, but I don't feel like looking it up.
4) I don't want to sound like every sports writers in the country, but shouldn't he get just one bonus point for being a significant part of 4 championship teams.
Tomorrow I will attempt to construct a Hall of Fame argument for Mike Mussina, another rarely discussed HOF candidate.

Remember When...


Ron Artest was public enemy numero uno in professional sports? With the recent transgressions of Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, The Cincinnati Bengals, and Chris Benoit, Artest,in the grand scheme of the sports landscape, is a equivalent of a punk skateboarder loitering at the local 7-11.

Non-Sequitur alert: Do the Chargers come out smelling like roses from the LT-Vick trade or what? Sure they have held the advantage in the trade for a few years, but now they are the unanimous winner by TKO.

Monday, August 6, 2007

'Toine Noir?


At a local state fair, I asked 82 people which player in the NBA looks most like they would always reek of cheap cologne, and the answer may (or may not) surprise you.
In a landslide, 74 people voted for Antoine Walker. Rounding out the rest of the votes were 5 for Kenny Thomas and 3 for Nick Collison.

To the Victors Go the Spoils, To the Losers Go Carrie Bradshaw

Interesting tidbit in today's Daily News from yesterday's Jets intrasquad scrimmage:

"There was plenty on the line. The winners got buckets of ribs and fixings from a popular BBQ joint to eat on the bus ride home. The losers got stuck with cold turkey sandwiches and had to watch re-runs of “Sex and the City.” The winners also received some video entertainment, but Mangini declined to be specific."

Contributor Fat Dizzle, who used to watch "Sex in the City" reruns on a daily basis, would hardly consider watching Ms. Bradshaw strut around the upper west side in her Manolo Blahniks a punishment.

Inexplicable Injury of the Night

Luis Castillo had to leave last night's game because of heat exhaustion. This is a little dumbfounding because he was born and raised in the Dominican Republic and played in south Florida for 10 seasons, thus he has had plenty of experience playing games in sweltering conditions. While maybe I would have some compassion for the man guess if he couldn't take being under the hot sun after running around the bases four times, but get this...yesterday's game was played at night! From my rudimentary knowledge of science, I believe the air temperature is cooler once the sun goes down. Man, maybe Castillo had gotten too used to playing in that cushy climate controlled piece of shizzle known as the Metrodome, but he has only been a Twin for the past season and a half. Can one lose his tolerance to play in 85 degree weather that quickly? Plus it's not like he plays all of his games in climate controlled stadiums. He's played quite a few outdoor games in summer weather conditions since leaving the Marlins. The likely explanation? That punching Judy Castillo hit two doubles yesterday and since his legs haven't had to move that much in one game in years, his body simply broke down. It's the equivalent of making a sprinter run a 5K.

Congrats To Tommy Strikeout



The weekend of milestone's ended last night with Tommy Glavine capturing his 300th career win. As a Mets fan I would like to congratulate Tommy and hopefully the MLB Hall of Fame committee will now see fit to elect Tommy into Cooperstown as a Metropolitan (Yeah right). The best part about Glavine winning #300 is that we will no longer be subjected to shots of Glavine's mother Millie (seen in this photo in between Glavine's wife and son). I mean yikes! You would think that in anticipation of her son's milestone victory she would have gotten a little more TV ready.

On the contrary, I will miss the gratuitous cut aways to Glavine's wife. Here at SYHD we often comment on athletes significant others, but here is a case where Glavine has pulled at the exact level he should have. She is attractive, looks young for her age, and remains thin. What more can you ask for? Her only glaring deficiency? While she was interviewed during Glavine's last start she kept using the plural "we" when discussing her husband's quest to win #300. Unless she taught him his change up or dissected his mechanics on a nightly basis (not in a sexual sense) I don't think she can really take credit for his accomplishments.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Quick Hit on Bonds and 755

There really isn't a fresh take on Bonds tying Aaron's HR record and those who want to know my feelings on Bonds can check out this earlier post. The whole steroid issue doesn't really phase me and I am turned off by all the people that make Bonds out to be the world's biggest villain and who act like Bonds breaking the record is the greatest injustice in the history of man. Those fans holding up asterisk signs, who undoubtedly thought they were extremely clever, are nothing more than petty, self-appointed, self-important, arbiters of morality and fairness. How does Bonds hitting 755 negatively effect their lives in any way? None. So stop getting so worked up over it!

I thought the most interesting reaction was that of Bud Selig, who upon watching the ball clear the leftfield wall, did not clap or smile, but rather he exhibited signs of relief that this whole circus is almost over.

ARod's 500th HR is Pretty Much Irrelevant

So Arod hit number 500 yesterday which will thankfully shut up people like this. While it's certainly a great career milestone and historically significant because he is the youngest player to reach the five-hundo mark, but when he hits number 600 in 2 or 2 1/2 seasons for the Red Sox or Cubs yesterday's achievement will be wholly irrelevant. Hopefully the Rutgers student who reeled #500 in understands this and negotiates an agreement on that ball quickly. As part of any settlement I'd demand that Arod autograph this picture, but that's just me.

Sunday Afternoon Blues

Much like when the Jets are slated to play on Monday Night Football, my Sundays are miserable when the Mets take part in Sunday Night Baseball. Sunday afternoon is completely devoid of programming options outside of a Mets game (I'm currently relegated to watching the Yankees play the Royals) whereas on a Sunday night I usually do not watch much of the ESPN night telecast because there are other shows the pique my interest- particularly on HBO, Flight of the Conchords anybody?

Now I know what you're probably thinking. It's summertime, you say. I should be outside doing stuff! Well, I've already read the Sunday paper outside and there is no one around to play golf or wiffleball with and I find floating in the pool boring, so my it's looking like I'm left watching Melky Cabrera face off against Gil Meche.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Nightly Wrestling Haiku


"Stagger" Lee Marshall

Dialed 1-800-Collect

To speak on Nitro

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Pro Bowlers Wear Shoes that Won't Scuff a Freshly Waxed Floor

ESPN.com currently has the following link on their homepage..."Colts expected to release former Pro Bowler Simon". Why can't the NFL just get on board with all other major American sports and call their top players "All Stars"? Now I have followed football for twenty years and for 5 seconds after reading the aforementioned headline, I honestly believed that the Colts had released a professional bowler. I truly thought that there was a dude in Colts camp, who made his living hurling a heavy ball at ten pins, in a forward facing triangle formation.

I'll accept seventy five percent of the blame for my own stupidity. However, such misunderstandings would never happen if the NFL didn't give such stupid titles to their best players.

Return of The Nightly Wrestling Haiku!!!


I call him "The Brain".

Humanoids call him "Weasel".

He's Bobby Heenan.