Lupic-on Somone Your Own Size

Apparently New York Daily News writer/Sports Reporters panelist Mike Lupica is a real jerk. He's been responsible for several talented writers leaving the Daily News and more or less gave Jason Whitlock the boot off of the aforementioned Sports Reporters. Now Lupica's selfishness has essentially alienated DN sports columnist writer Lisa Olson. Now, at first I agreed with former Patriots Victor Kiam, that Olson was a was a real rabblerouser and a "classic bitch" for trying to get interviews in a NFL locker room. In recent years though, Olson has shown herself to be a capable little writer. That sentence was purposefully condescending, but she is readable, which is saying a lot for a sports journalist.

Our three New York readers might agree with this- Lupica's time at Newsday resembled Ric Flair's first run in the WWF. Lupica had been a long time stallwart and featured columnist at the News. Newsday brought him in, promoted him heavily, and annointed him their featured columnist as well. But the two were never really a great fit and after about two years, Lupica left Newsday to return to the news.

Johan Link Dump

From Keith Law of ESPN.com (he's a must read)

Baseball Prospectus' Nate Silver has a quick take.

Baseball America doesn't really like any of the prospects the Twins received.

Almost Amusing Anecdote From Today

I was at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square today for a work conference when I first got word about the Santana trade. SYHD contributor Nocedog texted me as soon as the story broke around 4pm today. I briskly walked out of the conference room to call Noce for more details. As I walked out the door, to my surprise I saw the NY Mets longtime PR man Jay Horowitz walking around the conference floor lobby. Apparently he was there for some MLB charity fundraiser.

"Did the Mets get Johan?!" I excitedly yelled to Horowitz who was about 8 feet from me at the time.

Horowitz looked up at me, gave a terse "no comment", and immediately re-entered the conference room from whence he came.

What are the odds that I would run into the Mets PR guy just minutes after word of the Santana trade broke? I guess 50/50- it either happens or it doesn't.

Later on in the day I had the pleasure of meeting Daryl Strawberry, who was also attending this fundraiser. I shook his hand and we exchanged pleasantries, right before several media outlets crowded him to get some react quotes about the Santana acquisition.

Pretty awesome day.

Wow

I agree with Tremont's take on this trade 100%. Omar Minaya absolutely fleeced the shit out of Twins' GM Bill Smith. The Mets just acquired the best pitcher in baseball, in his prime, for a bunch of prospects from a low ranked farm system AND didn't even have to give up their best prospect, Fernando Martinez. This deal is akin to the Red Sox trading for Pedro in his prime (though there are eerie similarities to the Frank Viola trade). Johan is going to run through the National League like a White Castle Ten Sack runs through my intestines. Shea is a pitchers park and depresses home runs for the first few months of the season. I would surprise if Santana has an ERA under two at by the beginning of June.

Here are some more quick thoughts on the move:

-The Mets now have the best rotation in baseball and have to be considered the favorites in the NL.

-This acquisition goes a long way to remove the awful taste in the mouths of fans resulting from last year's collapse.

-Both Humber and Mulvey would kill to have the career of the white Bobby Jones. Guerra is a crapshoot. Projecting young pitchers is incredibly difficult. He might be good one day, but his pedestrian K/9 ratio in A ball never really excited me. I don't see the 30hr potential in Gomez that some scouts were touting. He never put up power numbers in the minors, has poor strike zone recognition, and has a loopy swing with a lot of holes. No big loss.

-Johan neutralizes the Phillies two top bats, Howard and Utley, and hopefully those asshole Phillies fans are shitting themselves right now.

-The Mets now have a starter who can pitch deep into games, thus alleviating bullpen's workload. Not having a pitcher who could get through 5 or 6 innings absolutely killed the Mets down the stretch last season as the bullpen was completely worn thin.

-The Mets essentially replaced Glavine with Pedro and added Santana. Not too shabby.

-Is it too early to start dreaming about signing Mark Teixeira next offseason?

-If the Mets don't sign Santana to an extension, I would seriously have to think about giving up on the Mets once and for all.

-With apologies to Keith Hernandez and Gary Carter, this will go down as the best trade in the history of the franchise.

Hot Tranny Action (The Johan Edition)

Twins trade Johan Santana to the Mets for Carlos Gomez, Deolis Guerra, Kevin Mulvey, and Phil Humber.-Nothing will re-energize a disenfranchised fan base more than acquiring the best pitcher in the world. The Mets have once again established themselves as the team to beat in the National League. I have been one of Omar Minaya's most vocal and least relevant critics for a while, but he deserves major props for getting this deal done. I honestly didn't think the Mets had a prayer of putting together enough of a package to score Johan. Omar kept his hat in the ring on the off chance the Santana market would collapse. His persistence paid off. This could be Minaya's crowning achievement.

On the other hand, the Twins GM and legendary Islanders' goaltender Bill Smith surrendered the most desired property in the sport, without acquiring a single can't-miss prospect. Despite the fact that scouts fantasize about their tools like Judge Reinhold fantasized about Phoebe Cates, Carlos Gomez and Deolis Guerra have never dominated at any level in the minor leagues. Kevin Mulvey and Phil Humber are the types of prospects who can only dream of becoming the next generation Steve Trachsel; a halfway decent pitcher for decade or so.

Both the Yanks and Sox had made better offers for Santana two months ago. But Bill Smith is the guy who blows off the 8 at the bar, because he's hoping to pick up a supermodel. The supermodel wants no part of him, the 8 takes off, and he goes home with complete pig.

Mookie if you don't post about this tonight, just kill yourself.

That Was a Tarot-ble Idea

Twas 2:30 am on a Saturday night. My buddy, McDud, and I had just gotten back to Alphabet City after straight dominating the Lower East Side (me sitting at a table by myself texting random people). My night to that point had consisted watching spirited jousting at Medieval Times, catching a cool band called The Howlies down at Pianos, and then going to some bar, of which I don't recall the name, down at the foot of the Williamsburg Bridge.

As McDud and I went to get a sixer of tall boys and chips to finish off the night in style, we walked by a Fortune Teller. The light was still on, so I ventured inside. I had never gone to see a psychic before, and here I was drunk and with a fresh paycheck in my wallet- serendipity at it best. The fortune teller, who was mildly attractive for a gypsy, came to the door and let me in. I'm pretty sure I tried hitting on her, but alas, in my pastey and slurring state, I was unsuccessful at wooing the young witch.

I was initially just going to get my palm read, but seeing that I was an easy mark, she assured me that a tarot card reading was much more accurate, and coincidentally more expensive. I quickly agreed to pony up a Andrew Jackson and away we go.

After dealing the cards and taking a long look at the outcome, the first thing to come out of her mouth is, "You give off a lot of negative energy." I instantly quipped sarcastically, "No shit Sherlock" and walked out of the place with my dignity and wallet still intact.

Well I wish that's the way it went. In actuality, I stuck around for the rest of the reading and paid an extra five bucks to get my palm read just so that I could feel the touch of a woman.

As I was walking out I asked her who was going to win the Superbowl. Surprisingly she told me that the Pats were going to win. She even gave me the exact score, which I will not share with anyone else because I don't want the betting line to shift. I politely thanked her and went on my way. (I actually made this last paragraph up just so I could tie this story to sports in some way.)

SYHD: Your Source for Hot Tranny Action

Before I get to the fun stuff, I have a point far more important than any other that has ever been made on this site. If you found this post by Google searching "hot tranny action", do yourself a favor and check out Revelation 16. Do you really wanna be on the business end of that shit storm? Repent!

Now to the MLB transactions. The last couple of weeks have been highlighted by clubs wisely following the John Hart template and locking up youngsters through their twenties. Teams rarely live to regret such decision. Apologies in advance for the redundant praise heaped on these deals.

• Yankees sign Robinson Cano for 4 years $30 million, with club options that could take the package to 6 years $56 million: The Yankees locked up the odds on favorite to be the best second baseman of the next six years for less than $10 million per year. This pleases me to no end.
• Rockies sign Troy Tulowitski for 6 years $31 million and Matt Holliday for 2 years and $23 million. Like Cano, Tulo isn't a bad bet to be the best shortstop in baseball for the life of this contract. Sure the Rockies could have paid him a half million for the next 2 years, but to what end? If he progresses like everyone thinks he will, they would might have had to pay twice that in arbitration/free agency. Matt Holliday is good player who appears great in Coors Field, which is infested with invisible ball-carrying fairies. (Science was always my weakest subject). Thus he is a strong candidate to be overrated. However, this contract represents a fair valuation of his skills.
• D-Rays sign Carlos Pena to a 3 year deal worth $24 million. I don't expect Pena to ever reproduce his 2007 season, but he won't have to in order to justify this contract. He has always had one of the sweetest swings in the game. This is why his lack of production was a complete mystery for so many years. Perhaps this problem has been solved and he is on a late blooming David Ortiz-type career path. Even if he isn't the next Big Papi, he should be more than an adequate first baseman for the next three years.
• White Sox sign Octavio Dotel for 2 years $11 million. Pretend for a moment that I am a White Sox fan and I have been on a fruitless robbery spree in Texas with my best friend, and White Sox GM, Ken Williams. This would be my conversation with him after the Dotel signing...

Tremont: "You don't give $11 million to a middle reliever who hasn't pitched more than 30 innings since 2004! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That I don't forgive! What were you thinking?"

Williams: Don't call him a middle reliever.

Tremont: That's what he is.

Williams: Don't call him a middle reliever! His name is Octavio.

Tremont: And my name is Tremont. So what?

Shortly after this exchange I would jab him in the nose with a screwdriver.

(If that dialogue made no sense to you, don't continue to be a jerk. Watch "Bottle Rocket". Right after you finish reading Revelations.)

Turning on Jesus

A must have for the Priest in your life.

SYHD Movie Review: Rambo

It was fucking awesome!!! Rambo rips the throat right out of a dude. And does other badass stuff. Go see it.

Funniest Thing I've Heard in a While

Though many of you have probably already listened to this, some people hacked into the weekly Big East conference call and hilarity ensues. The dejection that can be heard in the moderator's voice is as funny if not funnier than the prank calls themselves. Listen to it here.

(Hat tip to The Big Lead)

From the Uncool Nickname Department...

During the Nets-Warriors highlights this morning, venerable Sportscenter anchor Steve Levy referred to Richard Jefferson as "RJeff". Not only are the first letter of the first name and first syllable of the last name nicknames ridiculously played out and unimaginative, but RJeff just sounds miserable. It's awkward to say and has no flow to it. Back to the drawing board Steve-o. Personally, I think he should be called Dick Jefferson considering that's what he likes in his mouth and in his ass.

Want to Work for the Worldwide Leader?

As a public service to anyone who currently works for, or is thinking of applying to that little Bristol-based network, I thought it would be appropriate at this time to recap what is/is not acceptable behavior for keeping ones job intact.

Sending around pictures of your penis like they are an office Christmas card: acceptable.

Trying to spark a debate about the media's possible bias towards black quarterbacks: unacceptable.

Getting completely and utterly shitfaced at a company roast and insulting the savior of over 1/3 of the world's population: acceptable.

Hugging an intern: unacceptable.


Booyah indeed.

Stop the Presses?

The Florida Gators have been running an exorbitant amount of full court presses this season? They ran it exclusively after every made basket in their game against South Carolina on Wednesday night. The Gators created a lot of turnovers off the press, but it also led to a shitload of open looks from the outside or easy layups. This got me wondering whether the full court press is a complete wash, or even detrimental to a team when used throughout a game. In its entirety does the press create more turnovers or lead to more easy baskets?



Obviously, when the pressor has a clear athletic advantage and the presees lack enough capable Greg Louganises (ball handlers) to break it effectively, then the press will create more points than it will give up and is a sound strategy. But where teams are evenly matched, will the press hurt or help the team applying it (assuming that the team runs it soundly)? Is the press generally less effective in the early stages of the game, but then wears an opposing team down in the second half much like a big running back wears down a defense in the fourth quarter?



The biggest indictment of the press is that it's never used in the pros. To analogize it to football once again, the press is like the option offense. It can be dangerous at the college level, but in the professional ranks, the athletes are too fast, athletic, and skilled for it to work on a regular basis. Or maybe teams simply don't practice the defense enough and are not committed to making it work. While the offensive talent is superior to college, aren't there more athletic defenders in the pros as well? Shouldn't the one just cancel the other out, and with all things being relative, the press should be just as effective in the pros as it is in college. But that comes back to the question posed at the beginning of this rambling post, is the press a benefit or a detriment to the team imposing it?

I'm going to try to pose this question to the fine researchers over at http://www.basketballprosectus.com/ since they have the time, capability, and intelligence figure this out. Plus they'll get paid to do it. Lucky shits.

Nightly Wrestling Haiku

Warrior is not
A big fan of gay movies
Sorry Heath Ledger

Warrior thinks Ledger death is good for kids.

Shame on you America! Shame! Shame!

When was it decided that Maria Sharapova was the sex figure of this generation? Has anyone taken a look at this woman? Sure, I will give you that there is a fetish like attractiveness to her size and grunting ability. But that midget in Total Recall was kind of intriguing too. Sharapova's WTA specs list her as 6'2'' and 130lbs. I would bet my life that she is not a pound under 160. This monster is supposed to be the heir apparent to Anna Kournikova? I really think people are forgetting how ridiculously hot Anna Kournikova was. She was a once in a lifetime looker. To mention Sharapova and her Zach Thomas-like shoulders in the same sentence with Kournikova is an insult. AN INSULT I TELL YOU!!! Sharapova does not have lips for god's sake!! And don't give me this crap about how Sharapova is sexier because she actually wins tennis tournaments. Who cares? Lindsay Davenport wins tennis tournaments, but I don't fantasize about bedding her.

*I urge all of you to watch the Australian Open finals and tell me that Sharapova is even in the same league as Ana Ivanovic, let alone Kournikova. This Sharapova stuff is a travesty. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!*

Cowboys Lose on Failure to Hold

The 2006 season ended infamously for the Dallas Cowboys because Tony Romo failed to hold successfully during a game winning FG attempt. The 2007 season ended less obviously because Wade Phillips failed to instruct his team to hold N.Y. Giants wide receivers at the end of the first half.

Here is the situation. With 1:01 to go in the first half of the divisional playoff game between the Cowboys and Giants, Marion Barber scores on a 1 yard touchdown run to put the Cowboys up 14-7. At this point in the game Dallas seemed pretty much in control. To everyone's surprise however, Eli Manning leads the Giants down the field, all the way to the Cowboys 4 yard line with 11 seconds remaining in the half. If the Cowboys can hold the Giants to a field goal here, they will keep the momentum and probably win the game. They fail to do so though, as Manning throws a 4 yard touchdown pass to Amani Toomer.

Here is my question. Why wouldn't Wade Phillips tell his defensive backs to deliberately hold the Giants wide receivers and prevent them from getting off the line of scrimmage? The worst that happens is you get a half the distance to the goal line penalty and you waste 5 seconds. Now you only have 6 seconds remaining in the half and the Giants are forced to make the tough decision of whether or not they have time to run another play and then kick a field goal if it is unsuccessful. If the Giants decide to run another play, then the Cowboys can just hold again, and the Giants will almost certainly be forced to kick a field goal on the last play of the half.

Why does no team ever do this? What is the point of playing straight up defense at this point of the game? Similarly, shouldn't a defense always do this if they are protecting a lead at the end of a game and the other team has the ball on their own side of mid field? Wouldn't you rather give up 5 yards and burn time off the clock, then risk the chance of a long pass?

Anyway, Wade Phillips failed to employ this maneuver, and it may be the biggest playoff blunder that nobody will ever hear about.

Nobody F**ks with the Jesus!

As a Catholic and a human being, I am personally appalled by Dana Jacobson's outrageous "F**k Jesus" joke at the Mike and Mike roast. We must be tolerant of each other's religions. If anyone should realize that it should be a good-for-nothing dreidle spinner.

But seriously, folks. I rarely defend my own religion (primarily because I don't believe a single word of it), but can you imagine if Jacobson said "F**k Mohammed" instead of Jesus? Thousands of Muslims would make it their life's work to help her lose ten ugly pounds.

P.S. I feared that some of you Philistines wouldn't understand my last sentence. It is a reference to the old joke "You wanna lose ten ugly pounds? Cut off your head." Combine the fact that Dana Jacobson's jaw is the envy of Evander Holyfield and that all Muslims behead at the slightest insult and you have a finely crafted joke.

P. P. S. Did I overexplain? God damn it. I'm always doing that. I don't know why I always feel the need to sit here in my ivory tower, atop my high horse, each of his legs on a soapbox and act like I'm so superior. I should respect you, the SYHD reader, far more.

P. P. P. S. Naaaaaah. Being that I personally know most of my readers, my feelings of superiority are well-founded. By and large you're dullards. I run no risk of overexplaining the most basic knock-knock joke for many of you.

Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes

I can't believe the autistics that run the NFL are actually allowing the two Redskins Pro Bowlers to honor Sean Taylor by wearing his #21. I would have guessed that the mere thought of such a drastic change would have sent Roger Goodell into a conniption like "Rain Man". He better have his stooges measure the width of the players wrist bands at the Super Bowl to save his rep. Nobody wants a damn hippie for commish.

Speaking of autistics running major sports organizations, just this once I wish the NCAA would allow for just a shred of nuance. O.J. Mayo accepted a couple of tickets to a basketball game from Carmelo Anthony. The NCAA lets coaches, who are under contract, bounce around from university to university with impunity. But God forbid somebody picks up the check at IHOP for a student athlete. It's so wrong.

Bi-Annual Wrestling Haiku

If you don't support
Free market principles, Kane
will powerbomb you.


Kane endorses Paul

Ana, Ivanovic You All Night Long

I enjoyed this video of rising tennis star Ana Ivanovic. Not only is Ivanovic extremely nice too look at, but the Serbian house music is oddly intoxicating.

On a creepier note, I developed an unhealthy obsession with Ms. Ivanovic sometime last year. I had a completely fantastical construction of every aspect of her life. Now that she is becoming somewhat famous, I am worried that fantasy Ivanovic will be mercilessly stripped from me with stories on TMZ about her doing cocaine with Frankie Muniz or something. If this happens I may have to kidnap her and keep her in a big jar in my basement.

Buzzer Beater

I know you don't want to get a cheap foul, but perhaps the coach of the losing team should have thought about telling a couple of tall dudes to just stand in the way of the full court chucker instead of having a meet and greet at half court.

TheBigLead

There is Violence in Rambo?

Keeping with the pattern of death that has plagued our morbid blog recently, here is a statistical breakdown on the amount of killings in the four Rambo films. I found it especially interesting that Rambo was shot at in 38 separate sequences in Rambo III and managed to avoid death on all 38 occasions. Also worth noting, there is a death every three minutes in the new Rambo movie. Suffice to say, I will be at the movies Friday night.

Get Your Ledger Puns Here! Fresh Ledger Puns!

-If he really wanted to commit suicide that badly he should've just jumped off the ledge-er. (Hat tip to Greg Ostertag)

-I guess Ledger wasn't in good mental heath afterall.

-I guess Heath is an expatriot in more ways than one now. (Hat tip to Downright Nashty)

-Supposedly a suicide note was found in the apartment. It was handwritten by Ledger to his wife, Michelle Williams, and was entitled "10 Things I Hate About You."

Comment of the Day

Please check out this Deadspin post and then read the first comment on it. This made me lol so loud that my father came into the room to see what so funny. Unfortunately, he does not appreciate such edgy humor and shook his head in disgust as he exited stage left.

A Non-Partisan Fan's Guide on Who to Root For in the Super Bowl

This guy is really bugging the piss out of me. It would be nice to see men of this age in South Beach go back to the customary Geritol and warm milk in lieu of champagne.




On second thought, this guy is a huge douchebag. Is he holding a goddamn goat? God I hate Tom Brady.




















On third thought, how can one possibly route for this guy? He might as well be licking something else white and creamy in this ill-conceived spot with his ad-whore sibling.



So here's my recommendation for the non-partisan fan and what I will be rooting for prior to Super Sunday. Two plane crashes. Its a win-win-win situation. Patriots remain undefeated-no more pictures of pretty boy signal callers cradling farm animals -and no more bizarre advertisements of Manning brothers licking random objects. Who's with me?

NFL Rules Question

The Ostertag family has long had a debate about the two feet inbounds for a reception rule in the NFL. What happens if a wide receiver catches a pass in the middle of the endzone standing on one leg and never moves? He just stands there like a statue on one leg for eternity. Is it ever a catch?

Moreover, is the rule that you must have two feet down inbounds or just all of your available feet? Specifically, what if there were a one legged wide receiver? Would he ever be able to successfully catch a pass in the NFL? If not, wouldn't that violate the Americans With Disabilities Act?

If not, and the rule was that each receiver had to get all of his feet inbounds, thus allowing for a one legged fella to catch a pass, would Greg Olsen then have to get all three of his legs down? I don't think the FCC would approve of that.

What Martin Luther King Day Means to Politicians

For one it means falling asleep during a speech.



For another it means referencing a song by black guys that only white guys liked....8 years ago.

Eight Overrated Ladies of the 80s (#1): The Chinese Democracy of Posts

Three months after I began this awful countdown, it reaches its merciful conclusion. I really know how to write a column, huh? Build a modest amount of interest, wait until everyone has forgotten about it, then return with a lackluster post. Better never than late.

1) Daryl Hannah- No woman has ever better fit the phrase "looks good from far, but far from good". Tall, blonde, with a super model figure, Daryl Hannah has the shell of truly gorgeous woman. I guess that is enough for most to find her attractive. However something is seriously amiss with this would-be beauty.

It's tough to perfectly pinpoint what it is about her face that I find so unappealing. She just vaguely gives off the vibe that she was slapped together in a "Weird Science" type experiment, but something went slightly wrong. Her sunken features give her the appearance of the re-animated corpse of a gorgeous woman who past away just long enough to start decomposing. Like Mr. Bentley on "The Jeffersons", her head is too long, making her look like the world's shortest sufferer of giantism.

Frustration with her deceiving ugliness led Jackson Browne to physically abuse Daryl Hannah during their relationship. I can't blame him. JFK Jr. went so far as to crash his plane to escape the haunting images of her grotesque face.

And this is how this series ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Elizabeth Isn't the Only Chatty Cathy in the Family

A few minutes ago Tim Hasselbeck was a guest on the Daily News Live on SNY. Hasselbeck made the case that not having Shockey on the field has helped Eli Manning immeasurably. He said that it has allowed Manning to make the proper read without getting chewed out in the huddle by a pouty Shockey. Shockey, Hasselbeck said, becomes a major distraction if he doesn't get the ball early and often. When asked whether the Giants should bring Shockey back, Hasselbeck hinted that perhaps they should not.

Now of course this is just one man's opinion, but it is a rather informed one. Hasselbeck was Eli's friend and backup until this year. As such he has insight on the dynamics of the Giants.

Third Tynes a Charm for Giants Kicker

-I'll put money on the fact that the above headline makes an appearance in tomorrow's NY Post.

-So now I have to root for the Pats in the Superbowl? Yuck.

-At least this gives the world one more chance to see Eli Manning throw a crippling interception or two (if we're lucky).